The Big Wheeling Seventies

It’s inevitable that every Christmas, while wrapping gifts or tearing them open, you reminisce about gifts you got as a child. This year, for me, it was the Big Wheel.

The Big Wheel was an orange, red and I want to say…blue, plastic tricycle. It was the first “vehicle” that I owned. My first little bit of freedom, a cool way to go down the sidewalk. Not like the lame, bike with training wheels or holding your mommies hand way.

The best part was skidding. You get up a full head of steam, pick a driveway of somebody you didn’t like, and slam that front wheel sideways as hard as you can. If you left a nice black mark and got the old man in the house to glare at you from his front window, you’ve done your job.

I thought I was pretty damn cool with my Big Wheel—but then came the Green Machine. It was bigger and had a hand brake and well…it was green. It seemed like the most expensive piece of equipment ever engineered.

It was the bike for the “elite” neighborhood kid, who was better known as the asshole or “poop-head” of the block. Or the kid compensating for a small penis even though he didn’t know about the whole big penis envy thing yet. It’s now called “Humvieitis”.

Even after I learned how to ride a bike, I still rode my Big Wheel more often times than not. One of the last memories I have of my Big Wheeler was riding it when I was probably fifty pounds over the recommended weight for a rider. So basically it was last year.

I guess I would say that the Big Wheel was the greatest toy of the seventies, if not OF ALL TIME! Wait, Electric Football came out then didn’t it?



Have you ever wondered, (when holiday shopping in Target, buying socks from grandma and a new Playstation game for yourself) "What political party does this Target donate to the most?"

What's that? You haven't? Yea me neither. But if you are curious, go to choosetheblue.com .
There you can find out if your favorite store, car maker, utility company, porn producer or even restaurant, contributes to your party more than the other.

I do warn you though, you may become very disappointed to find out that some of your favorite places donate to the wrong party. Like, I found out that Taco Bell donates 83% to the Republican Party. So now I guess I'm going to have to get people to buy me my Taco Bell. Would that still count?

Sonic Drive-in donates 100% to the Democratic Party though. Think there is any chance Sonic will start making Gordita Crunches?


Is Santa Outsourcing Jobs?

Zogby International did a pole involving what political party people think the Grinch, Santa and Ebenezer Scrooge are in. Here is what they thought:

Ebenezer Scrooge.........Republican. That one is obvious--an old white guy with lots of money. But what is he after he changes into nice and giving Ebenezer on Christmas morning. A flip-flopping damn liberal that's what!

Santa Claus.......Democrat. Okay, I get it. He is a giving guy, no matter if you are poor or not. But he does run a monopoly type business. And I don't know how much he is paying those elves but I get the sense that it's next to nothing. At least he isn't outsourcing work overseas...or is he? I called the 1-800 Santa customer service center the other day and I got an "elf" that called himself "Steve" but had a real think Indian accent.

The Grinch......Republican. This just shows how two-party-happy we are. It's so obvious he is a Libertarian. He's got that "Everybody do what they want but be quiet about it and just leave me the fuck alone!" thing down.

*Check out the full details of the poll here.



This is a message that was on my machine last weekend. Keep in mind I don't know this person or George and my number is stated on my out going message:

1:00 a.m.(Slurring)
"Georgie, it's Cheryl. Give me a call back at the number you see across your phone or just come pick me up....or just come down or do something god-dammit....now...bye."

Okay, so 'Cheryl' is drunk, needs a ride home from George and called the wrong number; no big deal right?

It's always late and she is always looking for George and she always sounds drunk. The times I've talked to her, I just say you have the wrong number. At first I didn't think she had the wrong number. I just thought this George guy met Cheryl at a bar and gave my number to her as a fake. But now I just think George's number is really close to mine and Cheryl's drunk ass can't dial correctly.

The best calls are when she has called earlier asking for a ride and then calls back at 4:00 a.m. pissed off at George because he hasn't shown up. Poor old George doesn't even know she has called. I just wonder what she says to George the next day, "Hey ass-hole, why didn't you pick me up last night?" George says "I didn't get any calls last night." Cheryl replies "Bullshit, you were screening last night."

I figure this Georgie guy must be her brother because I don't know any guy who would be letting his girlfriend go drinking without him, every weekend, and then come pick her stumbling booze hound ass up.

Maybe one night, I'll pick up the phone and pretend I'm George, ask where she is at, and come pick her up.
I'll bet George would really appreciate it. And Cheryl will have a story to tell when she enters AA.



I first thought about fascism when I saw the movie "Bull Durham". Crash Davis said that fastballs are "Boring and besides that they're fascist." I wasn't absolutely sure what fascism was, I just thought it had something to do with politics and telling everybody 'This is how it is, you have no choice in the matter.'

Now, you would think I learned about fascism in high school or something but I was to preoccupied with worrying that, at any moment, I might have to get up in front of the class while I still had a boner.

So with all of my worry over 'random wood', I think I missed the fascism lesson. So now I have found --thanks to Trent (still somehow single ladies). Email me and I will send you his picture-- a great piece on how we (America) have become a fascist country. No matter what your political view, read it with an open mind by clicking HERE!

Did you read it? No? Ahhh, come on, you can't look at porn 24/7. Take just a minute and learn something. Okay, if you read the fascism PDF, you can take a look at these two hot porn stars here!



Well, I kinda talked to Howard. But as it turns out, I am one of the last.

Being the geek that I am, I go on a few web-site message boards. My favorites are http://www.viewaskew.com (Kevin Smith's) and http://www.howardstern.com . Every once in a while, Howard and Kevin will go on the boards and answer some stuff and talk to people.

The other night Howard got online (the message board's front page will tell you who is online) at the same time I was. He was on-line to check if people had questions for him to address, during his Letterman appearance, about his move to satellite radio.

I quickly wrote something out that I was wondering about and that I thought he would answer. And to my amazement, he replied to my message. Here it is: (I'm wifflefresno...duh)
Howard Stern
The Howard Stern Show

Reply Options

Yesterday, 5:16:53 PM

Originally Posted by
When you are on Letterman (if you aren't goin to already) lets us in on what your sirius channel will have. Will you keep replaying that day's show on the channel so you can hear it if you can't listen live?


Howard Stern
I am developing the three channels...the channel I am on will repeat my show (not sure how many times) and have other original programming...I am so anxious to get it all going.. it is so the future...I have Sirius on in my apartment 24/7 and the thing fucking rocks...lots of great stuff...cool listening to the jet game and watching the scores roll across...that technology will be put to good use...

The King Of All Media talking with the King Of All Geeks. What a country...a dorky, sick, perverted, run by Christian families country, but a country none the less.

Howard's board has now been shut off. If you have ever been on there, you can kinda see why (some poster's got pretty twisted). But I think it might of got shut down because Howard just didn't want to deal with the shear volume of people on there.

Too many people on the website; I wish I had that problem...(sigh, tear).



A mosh pit can be a beautiful thing; whether you are in it or not.

I was recently at a KORN/CHEVELLE concert. It was a general admission show which is increasingly rare nowadays, given all the mayhem, injuries and even death they can cause.

If you are at a G.A. show and the band is at all hard rock or metal, a pit or two will always break out. When I was in my concert going hey-day, pits were a big thing. I always thought that pits would kinda be a passing concert fad. But Fresno Korn/Chevelle fans showed me that pits are alive and well.

I went to the concert with my friend Aaron. We are too old to be getting in pits anymore. But due to our late arrival to the show (pre-concert drinking) they wouldn't let us down on the floor anyway. I guess our old 90's concert reps preceded us.

With the floor being too full, we were forced to the second level on the side of the stage. Terrible spot to hear the show but it's a great vantage point for watching the crowd.

Mosh pits had already been happening prior to Korn, but once the boys hit the stage--it was on! The crowd was immediately at fever pitch. Several 'pits' were in full swing and the rest of the crowd was in full metal moshing mode.

It really is an amazing sight. A flood of people, looking like ants after their nest has been disrupted. It made me long for being in the mosh pit.

You may think that mosh pits just consist of big dudes just looking to flatten people. And though there are a couple of those guys, most moshers are just looking to have a good time. There is even a etiquette in 'the pit'. Even when somebody gets knocked down, somebody else picks them up and nobody trys to step on them. And much of the time, a good hit is followed by hugs at the songs end.

Maybe one day, even in my older age and small stature, I'll try getting in a pit again. Just so I can feel, even for just a night, like a young, beautiful, ant-metal-head at fever pitch.



When you are a 'geek', 'fanboy', 'madchild' like myself, you worry about different things than most people.

When I first learned that George Lucas was going to film the first three movies of the Star Wars series, or the "prequels", this is what I worried about; Is James Earl Jones (voice of Darth Vader)going to live long enough to make it to the last movie, where his voice will be needed?

I didn't think about if his family will miss him or that the acting community will be losing a great talent, I thought; "That would really FUCK UP Star Wars III (now titled "Revenge Of The Sith")." Well I no longer have to worry because James Earl is still around and 'Revenge' is "in the can".

"Revenge of the Sith" will feature how Anikian Skywalker "dies" and resurrects himself as Darth Vader. I have been waiting to see this ever since Luke was told --a long time ago in a galaxy far far away -- that Vader "killed" his father.

Below is a link to the latest trailer for Episode III. If you are a Star Wars fan and this trailer doesn't get friggin hyped as hell, well then aaahh, I guess you are not a Star Wars fan.

Give it a few to download and then come back and tell me what you think in the comments.


Don't Blame Me, Blame Kevin Smith

If anybody, unrelated to me, reads this blog on a regular basis -- What is wrong with you? There must be better ways to waste your time. Maybe re-setting your automatic sprinkler timer or something.

And if you actually enjoy my writing (or don't enjoy -- more likely) you have Kevin Smith to blame.

I only got interested in writing, mostly, because of Kevin. I really connected with his writing (screenwriting and comic book). I also thought it was really cool how he would use his friends in all his movies (wink wink Derek).

So one day, I got fired up and started writing unfinished screenplay's, lame blogs, and various stalkerish letters. I have only looked back like a couple dozen times since.

Speaking of Kevin Smith, here is a link to some really funny PSA's on registering and voting, that Kevin directed. They played on Comedy Central. If you missed them, check them out by clicking Kevin Smith PSA's.


Wal-Mart Sells Evil...But It's Cheap!

The next time you go to Wal-Mart (or Sprawl-Mart as The Simpsons appropriately call it) and you are looking to get some paint ball equipment or a new spare tire, think about this;
Wal-Mart couldn’t give a damn about their employees.

Here is just a small example of the politics that Wal-Mart gets involved in. Wal-Mart contributed $650,000 to the campaign against California Proposition 72, which would have required employers (Sprawl-Mart) to pay for their workers’ health insurance. Wal-Mart helped defeat it by the way.

Wal-Mart has donated $153,000 to the Californian Republican party in the past two years, spent more than $1 million in March to convince Contra Costa County voters to kill an ordinance that would have effectively banned Wal-Mart supercenters—that’s their grocery store/regular Wal-Mart (beer, motor oil and bullets all in one trip).

Actually, Wal-Mart lost one recently after it spent $1 mil to pass a measure that would permit Wal-Mart to build a supercenter in Ingelwood without undergoing the usual environmental reviews.

All this and they pay their employees some of the lowest in wages and benefits in the industry.

So when you are in Wal-Mart sometime soon, think about how you are getting that 50 cents less on the latest Tim McGraw disc or car battery (Is there a Tim McGraw endorsed car battery?).

Hopefully that "thinking" stuff will stop you from buying that Tim McGraw album all together.


What Would Yoda Do?

Hypocrite. That’s what I am. I think of the “Right” as being closed minded, uninformed and just plain wrong. Maybe I am the one who is closed minded, who is uninformed and, dare I say, wrong.

I‘ve always felt like the Republicans are the “Dark Side” and I (a Democrat) am on the good side of "The Force" (Is "the force" supposed to be capitalized?..Who knows). Democrats with Luke and Chewie, Republicans are with Darth Vader and the Emperor. Actually I am probably more like a Ewok but think I’m Han Solo.

The problem is, even though we Dems may truly believe we are on the good side of the Force, so do the Republicans. Right or wrong, that is what we both believe. Now, for the next four years, it is up the Democrats to convince the American public that they are right. But how do you pull somebody back to the good side of “the force”?....

•Show Americans how bad the Republicans are with the environment. I just hear Dems talk about it, give me specific examples and keep at it. Republicans aren’t going to look at this for themselves, if it isn’t in front of their face, they assume everything is fine. Don’t just say we are going to have a 10% fossil fuel reduction in 2038 or some other meaningless number, say we demand 10% now and 50% in two years. Go big!

•Keep out of big corporations pockets. Even if Democrats are in socially better pockets than Republicans, you can’t be hypocrites on this. Don’t give the “Dark Side” ammo (don’t give in to hate).

•Explain to everybody, plainly, how the deficit is adversely affecting us. It’s very easy for Republicans to ignore because they don’t see it being a problem. “Give me my tax cut, I don’t care how you do it.”

•Somehow people have to be reminded that we have a separation of Church and State in this country. We have somehow forgotten. Even Senator Palpatine (Star Wars character) didn’t call upon the Force when running for the Senate.

•Stop trying to be like a different version of the Republicans. You have to go your own way and show why it’s the best way (light sabers good, blasters bad).

Democrats must change. We can’t show up in 2008 with the same game. If we do, there may never be balance brought back to the Force.


I Can't Stop Looking At The Monkeys

Not that anybody has been waiting for it, but I will give a rundown on the Election results later.

I like to try and interject humor (I did say try) with my observations and I am just to bitter and afraid of what this country is going to be like after another four years of Bush polices, to interject humor--except for this...

LISTEN UP NETWORKS! For the love of all that is un-annoying TV watching, stop having news sets with windows that look out to the street where people are gathered around, looking to get on TV.

These people stand back there looking like jack-asses and I can't help but watch what they are doing. I start drifting away from what is being talked about and just look at the dorks in the back.

Why is this necessary? Are the ratings better when you have people in the background looking like monkeys as opposed to a non-monkey background?

I think the only way to stop this is if somebody does something real vulgar. I'm not sure if flipping the bird would be enough.

We need some full frontal nudity. While watching CNN, I saw a girl lift up her top enough to show some writing on her midsection. That was a step in the right direction, but I think maybe we need (and it pains me to say it) some slongs to peak out. Nothin that would make me feel inadequate mind you, just big enough that it could be seen on camera.

Maybe monkey size.


I'm Gambling On America's Future

Being a "social" gambler (whatever the hell that means), I always find it interesting what odds Vegas has for non-sport events and what not (the sporting odds are pretty interesting too). The only thing they left out is a line on Florida screwing this whole election up.

Courtesy of americasline.com.


October 31 , 2004

By BENJAMIN ECKSTEIN, President & DAVID SCOTT, Senior Analyst



Name Party Title Odds
*George W. Bush (R) President -120
John Kerry (D) Massachusetts Senator EVEN


Bush wins popular vote and electoral vote 4/5
Bush wins popular vote, Kerry wins electoral vote 8/1
Kerry wins popular vote and electoral vote EVEN
Kerry wins popular vote, Bush wins electoral vote 20/1


Bush and Kerry each get 269 electoral votes 20/1


over 29 1/2 -110
under 29 1/2 -110



(Tuesday, November 2 game)

John Kerry + 2 1/2 -115
Carmelo Anthony -2 1/2 -115



(Tuesday, November 2 game)

George Bush +1 1/2 -115
Kobe Bryant -1 1/2 -115

*I hope Vegas is wrong but, unfortunately, they usually aren't.

If you are registered to vote and you don't want Bush Jr., please get your ass out there and vote Tuesday--I've got a 'hundy' on it.


Don't Support Troop Supporters!

As I drove through Fresno's A #1 intersection Blackstone and Shaw, (this is where groups in Fresno tend to come out and protest or support things), I saw a group of "supporters". They were called Republican women for something.

They had signs with things like "Honk if you support our troops". I can't stand that. Republicans always pull that statement out.


They always infer that they are the ones that support our troops and if you don't support the war, you don't support our troops. Even a pacifist supports the troops. It's almost slanderous.

The real signs they should be holding is "Honk if you support the war". A war protestor is actually fighting for the troops to come home alive, ya dipshit's. Somebody who is pro war is actually "supporting" more troops to die....HELLOOOO???


Ashlee Simpson Can't Even Lip-Sync!

This is just too funny to pass up. Did you catch Saturday Night Live last weekend? If not (or maybe you just feel asleep like me) you missed a once in a season (or more) moment.

Ashlee (Yes, that's how she spells Ashley) Simpson, the SNL musical guest (I use the term musical loosely) totally screwed-up her second song (by the way, she was obviously lip-synching on her first song). Either her band started playing a song that surprised her or the lip-sync track was off and played the first song, but she became a deer in the headlights and just walked (actually she did a "ho-down") off stage.

I think SNL is going to start making sure they don't book un-professionals anymore.

Funny-ass shit. Click the link below to see it!

Simpson Screw-up


The sad thing is she blames her band in the end. They were the only ones being professional and going on with the show. "Ashlee" just slinked away.


I Am Very Talented...at video games

It’s the first, of what will likely be many, “I have writer’s block, even though there is no such thing, post”.

This will be the official picture for these posts. It represents how I can’t think of anything good to write about so I am going to just post this lame picture.

I actually don’t think writer’s block exists. “Writer’s block” really just breaks down like this:
• The story/idea you are working simply sucks and you should just move on (I MOVE ON A LOT!)
• You haven’t researched your idea enough…you just haven’t worked hard enough (BIG LAZY-ASS MO-FO).
• Being too much of a perfectionist. (WHAT’S A PErFECTtIONST?)
• Plain have no talent (YO!).

Current reason for the lack of a new post falls under the “lazy” category. I’ve been working to much this week and I decided to use what little down time I had to play video games…like so many other great “talents”.


Audible Flux Expands For Lame Reasons!

I have decided (given the deluge of non-existent emails asking me to give more of my thoughts on sports) to start a sports blog.

Being a big sports fan, it would only seem logical I would be writing more stuff about sports on Audible Flux. But I realize not everybody wants to read about sports stuff (not that anybody gives a crap about reading most of the regular stuff on here), so I have tried to keep sports thoughts to a minimum.

Well now (regardless of the Audible Flux reader apathy) I have a second blog to show off my geek-boy writing. Be on the look out for heavy coverage of all the big influential and relevant leagues like the NHL, USFL, Indoor Soccer League, XFL and Fresno Wiffleball League.

Come check it out at SportsFlux!


Know How To Make A White Russian?

If you like the movie The Big Lebowski, what the hell is wrong with you? You should LOVE The Big Lebowski!

Do you love drinking as well? Here is the game for you! But be careful, if you play this game like it tells you to, YOU MAY DIE!

The beginning of the movie Entire cup or beer
Dude smokes pot 2 drinks
Walter mentions Vietnam 1 drink
Donny says dude 1 drink
Someone bowls a strike 2 drinks
You see George Bush 5 drinks
Every time Dude drinks a White Russian 1 drink
Every time the Dude wears Jellies 2 drinks
Every time a weapon is in the film 1 drink
Every time Walter says Shomer Shabbas 1 drink
The Dude rides in a car (not driving) 1 drink
Every time Flea is in the picture 1 drink
Song on soundtrack starts 1 drink
Every time the dude puts on sunglasses 1 drink
Everytime someone says gold bricker 2 drinks
End of movie Finish what is left

(Inventors: Matt, TJ, Dan, Andrew, Jared FSU Deviney Hall 2000-2001)

Please let AUDIBLE FLUX know if you actually have played this game and what hospital you were taken to.


Under The Influence

Yes I see that the document has been altered (the date of birth is filled out wrong) but I swear it's from a legit source (insert Nightline joke here). Okay, my cousin sent it to me. But trust me, he is a honest guy! (he is also single ladies!)

I'm a forgiving person so I can overlook this little Bush screw-up. I mean G.W. was in Kenneebunkport for crying out loud. That is one big-ass party town! Everybody would drink and drive around there, it's just what ya did.




This is the first of a regular topic I will be trying; it’s called a “retro topic”. The premise is if blogs existed in the 80’s, this is something I might write about. And my first topic is, of course, the band Winger.

You remember Kip and his sexy-ass bass antics. I bet you also remember the song Seventeen.

I was thinking, if that song were released today, Kip probably would be arrested (wasn’t Kip like 33 at the time?) and the F.C.C. would have fined Clear Channel for playing the song. Here are some of the Lyrics, for those who don’t remember.

And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
but I'll show you love like you've never seen
She's only seventeen, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me
Come to my place, we can talk it over, oh everything going down in your head
She said take it easy, I need some time, time to work it out, to make you mine
And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
I'm only seventeen, you ain't seen love, ain't seen nothing like me
She's only seventeen, seventeen

If those lyrics don’t scare you, take a look at some more disturbing ones that show up later:
She's a magic mountain, she's a leather glove
I’ve got chills.


Fair and BIASED Reporting

AUDIBLE FLUX Headlines:Fox News reporter Paul Schur recently posted a fake story about John Kerry on the Fox News website. When the story was posted, it was posted as a real story. The story goes like this:

Shur reported that John Kerry, at an appearance after the debates, said to supporters "Didn't my nails look great? What a good debate!" "Women should like me! I do manicures."

The article also claimed that Kerry was comparing himself to G.W. Bush saying, "I'm metrosexual -- he's a cowboy."

If your going to post a fake story about Kerry, don't ya think you could post something better than that?

Fox News says it was a in-office joke that somehow got posted on to it's website and the reporter, Paul Schur, has been disciplined.

Okay but how the hell is this guy not getting fired? Isn't credibility the biggest thing a reporter should have. Now PAUL SCHUR has none. And by the way, it's not that easy to just "accidentally" post an article to a website. Especially a site as major as Fox News.

I think if Fox News was actually "fair and balanced" like they say they are, they would post a fake George Bush Jr. story. Maybe something like he's a homophobe and was a cocaine-head and has been caught drunk driving and is a "pro-lifer" but the biggest supporter of the death penalty...

...no wait, that wouldn't be fake -- It would be "FAIR AND BALANCED" though.

*Here is a link to the whole story


The National Pastime is still Baseball

USA Today recently did one of their poll/graphs on what is the biggest spectator sport in the U.S. Of course it was Football with 23%. Baseball was 13%, NBA 10% and College Football came in at 7%.

It always pisses me off when I hear or see stuff about Football being the biggest sport. If Baseball was only played once a week like Football, Baseball would surely be the biggest. But this fact is always left out of the equation.

Could you imagine what it would be like if the Red Soxs and Yankees only played twice a year? How bout the Giants and Dodgers? The D-Rays and Tigers....well okay, that wouldn't be too great. But just think if the Cardinals and Lions played 15 times a year. Are you still pickin Football as America's sport?


California Coastline Dreamin

Audible Flux Headlines: A series of earthquakes, one of them registering magnitude 5.9, shook central California on September 28, 2004

What a mess! That's your bad Karma from killin that deer dude! (note the deer head mounted on the wall)

Man! I always miss these things--well not always, but I missed this one. Most everybody else felt it in the Fresno area, but I was outside (and in Madera). It's a little harder to feel them when your not in a building (the small quakes anyway).

I am disappointed to miss this latest quake because they are really a cool experience (as long as nobody gets hurt that is).

Unlike other natural disasters, earthquakes come without warning. One moment your watching cartoons, or talking shit about a co-worker with somebody, or sitting on the can reading Maxim. Then, without any warning, the floor under you is rolling and stuff is rattling around you and your stomach gets a big knot because all your life (as a Californian) you have been told that the "Big One" will come someday and, for a few seconds, you think this might be it. The "Big One" will come and crumble life as you know it leaving Fresno with a coastline and LA underwater.

That would be so sweet....The Fresno coastline part that is. LA, San Diego, San Fran, Pismo Beach, they have all had the coastline for way too long! It's time for us people inland to get some of that Ocean air-you selfish Coastline bitches!


Yes, I have a drinking problem. The problem is with the damn hangovers. And I have legendary hangovers. Last weekend was no exception.

But before I tell you that, nobody gets worse hangovers than me. Mine last for a full day, sometimes into the next. I puke all day, usually about every 45 minuets or so, until the late evening (it used to be just the morning but old age is creeping up on me).

I’ve never missed a day of work but I sure have missed plenty of classes, overstayed welcomes (because I couldn’t drive home puking ya know), had to pretend I had the flu at family gatherings, had GREEN things come out of me and last Sunday, miss a day of hanging around with my friends watching Football (Mike Martz sucks!).

I missed that day of Football because I underestimated the power of MICROBEER. When they say it’s 7.5 % alcohol, they ain’t shitin you! But you know I didn’t have anymore than anybody else did, but yet something chemical in my weak-ass, stomach of an infant, belly, went haywire. That 7.5% Sent me into a day long puke-fest the likes of which couldn’t be rivaled by the worst morning sickness.

The thing is, I’m not a rookie at drinking (my mom is so proud). I know how to drink and know I can get heavy duty hangovers at the drop of a pint glass. But yet that knowledge just floats out of my brain when the Micro beers start flowing. “It won’t happen this time.” I say to myself. “I haven’t been getting hangovers from those Ultra’s.” (I think they must just put a drop of alcohol in those.)

So remember kids, take it from a drunk who knows, just because the beer is from a Microbrewer doesn’t mean it won’t give you a big-ass hangover.


Real Time might be the best show on TV

I love great comedy writing (yes, that's why I hate my writing). It takes a lot of talent to write something funny and make a great point at the same time. Bill Maher and his staff at Real Time do a great job at this.

Here is a quote from Bill's last show (during his "New Rules" segment) that gives you an idea of what I'm talking about:

New Rule: Stop building "fuck-you-mobiles." A company called International is offering a pickup truck that is twice as heavy as the Hummer and so bad for the environment you can actually watch the sky falling in your rearview mirror. They call it the "image enhancer" for - quote - "folks who just want more." In other words, "assholes." But at a cost of a hundred grand, wouldn't it just be cheaper to go ahead and get the penis enlargement surgery?

It's funny because it's true. There are people or "assholes" out there, who actually buy vehicles just because they know it's pissing-off some enviromentalist. They don't even try and come up with that bull-shit primise of acutally NEEDING a vehicle that size because of their family (even though that family is just one bratty-ass kid).


It's Muppet Killin Time!

(more details to follow--but do you need more?)


FINALLY, A Hurricane I Can Get Interested In!


Headlines: Tropical Storm Bonnie Batters Florida
My thought?...Well I didn't have a thought, I was busy researching players for my Fantasy Football draft.

Headlines: Hurricane Charley Hits Florida
My thought?....Florida again huh...Why do people put trailer homes there?

Headlines: Hurricane Frances Deals It To Florida
My thought?...Damn that new Father Of The Pride show on NBC sucks ass!

Headlines: Hurricane Ivan Heading Towards New Orleans
My thought?...New Orleans? Oooohh cool. Now I am interested. That's a nice change up. I was getting so bored of those Florida ones. If girls pull up their top to Ivan, will the Hurricane spit out some beads?


Most of you have probably seen this picture already but have you taken a good look at it?

Notice how the guys are mostly just laughing or have a "Oh cool!" look on their face. The girls have a "OH MY GOD!" expression. Whenever a fight breaks out at a game, the guys are like "Yes, a fight!" and girls are "I can't believe they are fighting."

-I like pointing out obvious stuff I guess.


All My Rowdy Songs Are Coming Over Tonight

For years now, the start of every Monday Night Football Show begins with a modified version of Hank Williams song "All My Rowdy Friends are Coming Over Tonight". The song is now better know as the "Are you ready for some Football?" song. Every year the song changes a little and the video tries to become a little more "rowdy".

Do you think all Hank Williams does now is just re-write his song every year to fit the even "more rowdy" new season? I'm sure it must be tough finding the time to do that year after year with all of his big county fair tours throughout the year.

When fans go to his show, do they call out for Hank to do the Football song? Do they even remember the original version? Do fans clamor for specific year versions? "Hey Hank, play Are You Ready 99!" Or do fans talk about seeing him at different places "Yea Randall, I saw him play at my trailer park picnic area last October and he did the 2001 version-he tore it up! Let me tell ya, I was ready for some damn Football that night!"


The Orchid THIEF

In what should not be surprising news but still is, the movie "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid" is still number three at the box office and has made twenty four million so far. And I think that screenwriter Charlie Kaufman (he wrote the screenplay for the movie Adaptation) should be laughing his ass off at the movie's premise.

If you have not seen Adaptation here is the scene that shows why Kaufman should be chuckling:

So, tell me your thoughts on this
crazy little project of ours.

In one motion, Kaufman swabs his forehead and pulls a book
entitled The Orchid Thief from his bag.

First, I think it's a great book.

Laroche is a fun character, isn't he?

Kaufman nods, flips through the book, stalling. A photo of
author Susan Orlean smiles from the inside back cover.

Absolutely. And Orlean makes orchids so
fascinating. Plus her musings on
Florida, orchid poaching. Indians.
Great, sprawling New Yorker stuff. I'd
want to remain true to that, let the
movie exist rather than be artificially
plot driven.

Okay, great, great. I guess I'm not
exactly sure what that means.

Oh. Well... I like to let my work
evolve, so I'd want to go into it with
sort of open-ended kind of... and also
not force it into a typical movie form.

Oh. That sounds interesting... what
you're saying. I mean, I'm intrigued.


It's just, I don't want to ruin it by
making it a Hollywood product. Like, an
orchid heist movie or something.
Or changing the orchids into poppies and
turning it into a movie about drug
running. Y'know? Why can't there be a
movie simply about flowers? That's all.

That's what we're thinking. Definitely.

Like, I don't want to cram in sex, or car
chases, or guns. Or characters learning
profound life lessons. Or growing or
coming to like each other or overcoming
obstacles to succeed in the end. Y'know?
The book isn't like that. Life isn't
like that. It just isn't. I feel very
strongly about this.

Okay, if you have not figured out where I am going with this story here is the description for the movie Anacondas: The Hunt for the BLOOD ORCHID.

A scientific expedition is sent to the jungles of Borneo to search for a rare black orchid by a powerful pharmaceutical company that hopes the orchid can be used to unlock the secrets of youth and immortality. What they discover is that the orchid is already being used by a powerful group... a swarm of giant snakes that derive their super strength, size and vitality from the flowers, and extremely large snakes are also extremely hungry snakes...

Now I am sure Charlie Kaufman sees this and just thinks "I knew they were going to do something like that.
But I bet if his "brother" Donald was alive, he would think Anacondas was a great script.


Ranting and Questioning

Name one old guy who is better off than Michael Douglas.

Magic Shell ice-cream syrup is the greatest food product ever invented.

Don’t you hate those ass-holes who use the drive-up ATM to do ALL of their banking for the month as you wait for their ass?

Baseball is the only sport that is good on the radio.


Why is it when magazines review albums, they never put the song that has been released as one of the “hot tracks”? Does the reviewer think it makes him look smarter because he can name songs that aren’t on the radio?

Could Macy Gray just please go away already?

I love walking around in a new unwashed t-shirt.

Yes, I am a dork.



All of these right wing attacks on Kerry’s Vietnam record need to stop. “The Right” have muddied up the water so bad it is making people forget the indisputable facts:

• Kerry volunteered to go to Vietnam. (Bush?)
• Kerry could have gotten out of it Nam if he really wanted to. (Bush?)
• Kerry has a clean record as a soldier. (Bush?..Soldier?)
• Kerry finished his time. (Bush?)

In the words of Stan Lee…NUFF SAID.


Would You Like Plastic or Paper?

CD's that are packaged in the cardboard cases instead of the traditional plastic jewel cases, bug the hell out of me.

Call me anal-retentive or a dumbass who thinks about stupid things too much, but they screw up my CD shelf. It doesn't look right and sometimes the boxes are too big to fit properly in the shelf and they throw off the spacing. Sometimes the boxes start wearing out too.

I can understand the bands might think cardboard cases are better for the environment but that's only if I threw away the case. Why would I throw away the case?...I love the case, it's my friend. It just feels right in my hand plus it's easier to take out the booklet when it's a jewel case. Sometimes It takes a few minutes to even find the book in the cardboard ones. Besides, aren't you using more tree's with the paper ones. And couldn't you use recycled plastic for the jewel cases (yes you can use recycled paper too but I'm trying to make a friggin point here).

Please, somebody make a compact disc law or something and stop the Cardboard madness...MADNESS I TELL YOU!



Back again by unpopular demand is part two of a four part interview I had with David Lee Roth, the former lead singer of Van Halen. I am playing the new “Best Of Both Worlds” best of CD that features the Dave and Sammy era of Van Halen. As Dave and I listen I get his comments on the songs.

DAVE: This one is about babies and how I have none. The reason I don’t have any is because I’m fixed for one and because you can’t ROCK on stage and have a CRADLE at home. Are you hearing me Van Hagar boys?

DAVE: In this one, Sammy is singing about how he likes to do it rough in bed and shit. I’ll bet he gets girls in bed and tells them to pull on his big Goldie Locks hair and say things like “Harder harder, you big haired fatty!”

DAVE: It’s my number one chart topper, baby! Just try and do that Sammy, you can’t!
I bet I know the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear this song. It’s me wiping my ass with the mic stand in the video, isn’t it?

DAVE: What world are you top of Sammy? Cabo doesn’t count bitch! Any place you can be king of by drinking a grip of Tequila, is not a WORLD to be TOP OF.
Oh and Eddie, nice rip of your Jump riff.

DAVE: I would always tell Edward, you’re halfway to a hit when you do a cover, and half way to an all day party when you have a plate of blow.

DAVE: It’s too bad a producer didn’t WALK IN when Sammy was singing and tell him to shut up.
Isn’t this one of Sammy’s alien songs? I heard that Sammy is the real alien and he WALKS Into Alex’s bedroom every night to give him one of those anal probes.


DAVE: Oh yes man, I love em and I need em. Too bad the only girls I get now are out of the yellow pages….um…no aaa I mean Sammy gets them out of the yellow pages, yea that’s what I heard, Sam.

DAVE: Unfortunately Sam CAN’T STOP writing songs about love. I think this one is a secret love letter to Alex.

DAVE: Oh shit, I’m off the chain and I have hit the ground runnin. This one is just about me being a bad-ass.

That was part two. Part three and four will be up soon.

(The part of David Lee Roth was actually written by Mike Seay. It’s pretty close to what Dave would say though. Only his comments would be funnier and make less sense.)


Oh So I'm The Ass-hole Now? (part 1 and 2)

I must be an idiot!

If you were on United Flight 6054 from Kauai to LAX last Friday night, I'm the ass-hole who kept his overhead light on the whole damn flight. I don't think the poor dude next to me got a damn bit of sleep.

Let me explain. This was a five hour "red-eye" flight. So most people, the sane ones anyway, fully plan to sleep most of the flight. They take some PM pills and/or have a drink or just actually close their eyes and fall asleep. Now I did have a drink but it didn't really matter. I just can't sleep sitting up in a chair. Maybe for like thirty seconds but that is about it.

I am on the plane and have found my seat. I am flying with my wife and friends (Mahalooo guys) but I am sitting next to none of them due to a overbooked flight. I've got the isle (the isle is best for me since I have a pea sized bladder) and the seats next to me and across the isle from me haven't been taken yet. The people next to you can make or break a flight.
The worst is the crying baby or brat kid that have parents that don't realize or care that their kid is a brat.

Who am I gonna get? Nice, it's a couple about my age, they ought to leave me alone, which is what we all want really...Yes? But who will be in the isle next to me?....Oh how nice, it's a bonus, a German speaking women who has, yes you guessed it, a baby and a little kid. The question is, are they brats? Actually they seem fine so far. So I get settled in for a nice five hour plus flight.

We are well into the air and over the Pacific. The movie is about to start (Shrek 2, about as good as a in-flight movie can get) and I do a quick lavatory run to empty out the aforementioned pea sized bladder. I catch a glimpse of the Wife already passed out and my friends still up and ready to watch Shrek2. About three quarters of the plane is still up.

The movie is over and the captain has turned off the interior lights so that people can start sleeping (again, normal people anyway). There are about a dozen overhead lights on now, mine being one of them. I'm reading now but I want to start writing stuff but I keep thinking the guy next to me will try and read what I'm writing. I don't know why I am thinking this-As if this guy gives a shit about what I'm writing. I am mostly just afraid he'll look over and think what a dumb-ass I am for writing about being on a red-eye flight.

The baby across the isle has finally started to cry. I think I am the only one that is not bothered by this since I am the only fool in the area with his light on. There are actually twelve lights currently on in the entire plane.

TIMELINE 1:15 AM ( 4:15 LA time)
Out of approximately 300 people, I am now the only one with his light on. Yep I am the only loser who isn't trying to sleep. I'm still worried the guy next to me is looking at my writing even though he has his head buried in his hands-probably thinking "I wish this jack-ass would turn off his fuckin light."

TIMELINE 4:55 AM (now switched to LA time)
The Captain has announced that we are getting ready to land and everybody needs to wake the hell up. I'm the only person to have kept his light on the whole flight. I don't know if I should feel proud or stupid.

In the end, I'm not sure why I decided to write about sitting through a red-eye flight being the only person who tried to stay awake. Writing practice? Pass the time? To just piss off the guy next to me?
Nah, probably just to be an idiot.


If Anybody Gives a Damn

If there is actually anybody who checks this blog regularly, other than my cousin Trent (yes, I told everyone you said "Hi.", Trent), you might like to know I won't be able to post anything for a week or so.

I will be going on "Vacation" (doing a stint in Corcoran State Prison) and won't be near a computer (I'll be in cell block B, bottom bunk, being Randal's 'bitch').

So please be kind and check back next week for more pseudo witty writing (please send a carton of smokes to me at Corcoran, or "The Cork", so I can trade it for some extra pudding).

Thanks Guys!



Strip bars or "gentlemen clubs" (could there be a more contradictory description of guys going into a "gentleman's club"?) are in most cities. If your city doesn't have one, Las Vegas helps bring back up the national topless bar per city ratio your city is pulling down.

In Las Vegas there is a topless bar called "The Crazy Horse II". Apparently one crazy horse running around wasn't enough--just tell the cab driver "the deuce" (FYI). On a recent trip to a best friend's bachelor party, I happen to meander into "The Deuce". Purely for writing research mind you.

As odd or perfectly sane as it may sound, one of the best parts is telling a good looking girl who has just come up to you asking to "dance" for you, no thanks. When is there any other time that this happens? None, not even during a blue moon, leap year or a L.A. Clipper championship run. Sometimes they go away quickly looking for another sucker and sometimes you gotta start coming up with reasons. For example, "I'm too shy." " My wife would kill me." "My boyfriend is in the bathroom."--actually that one can back-fire sometimes.

But the most common stripper turn down line might be "I don't have enough money." That is a big mistake.
"You have a ATM card don't you?" the stripper asks. You say "Well, yea sure." The stripper replies "Don't worry, we can just run your card, the statement will just say The Power Company. So when your wife looks at the statement, you're okay."

The Power Company? Who the fuck thought that was a smart one to use? Who's town's utility company is just called The Power Company? And what woman is going to actually think you paid the power bill in Las Vegas at three in the morning?

I would love to hear an explanation by one of these guys: "Yea well ya see honey, we were all asleep in our hotel rooms when suddenly the front desk called and said they were a little short on the electricity bill and the only way to keep the power on was for one of the guests to donate eighty eight dollars. None of the other ass-holes wanted to help out so I stepped up and made the donation. I'm really a bit of a hero at the Luxor now. A true "gentleman" you might say."


Friggin Enough Already

Quincy, Qunicy, Quincy. I have heard enough about it.

Freshly former Dallas QB, Quincy Carter, has been cut for unknown reasons (coke cokie coke cokesters…allegedly). With all of the coverage of this, you would think the Vatican released the Pope.

Sportscenter spent it’s first five minuets on it (they of course came back to the story later). Dan Patrick spent almost his whole three hour radio show on the story. It was one of the lead stories on my Yahoo page-although one of the other stories was the best 80’s cover songs, so maybe that’s a bad example.

Do you think if the Jacksonville Jaguars released their mildly talented QB there would be so much press? (And nooo, I can’t think of Jacksonville’s starting quarterback and I feel good about it). The answer is no, there wouldn’t be nearly the press

I understand the reason for all of the coverage. It’s the Cowboys, Parsells, J. Jones, “America’s Team”. Are they still “America’s Team”? Is God still looking through that damn hole in the stadium? NO GOD OF MINE DAMMIT!

My God is busy with watching out for Marshall Faulk to make sure he stays healthy this year. For Mark Bulger to become the bad-ass that Dieter Brock never could be….Wait, what was I talking about?...Oh yea, cokeheads (allegedly).

Attention national media…we all don’t give that much of a damn about nose candy quarterback’s getting dumped during training camp…allegedly.


Don't EXPECT Anything From This Review!


Expectations. It's what most of us have going into a big, widely talked about, movie. Especially a movie that is made by writer/director M. Night Shyamalan. Just in case you don't know, he is the filmmaker behind Sixth Sense, Unbreakable (underrated movie!) and Signs.

I luckily went into this movie with little expectations and came out entertained. The Village didn't go where I expected it to go but that is what happens with a M. Night movie. That is his shtick. Take you through a few twists and turns, all the while leaving a trail of bread crumbs for the audience to follow that eventually leads to the climatic ending.

The ending I found satisfying but many around me didn't. Not because it was bad necessarily, but because they 'expected' something else. Expected it to be scarier or for a certain character to be or do a certain thing (It's hard to talk about a movie like this without giving plot points away. At least for a hack writer like myself).

At one point I did become disappointed in the film. It started to feel like a well written Scooby-Doo episode only without all the "zoinks" and scooby snacks. But another one of M. Night's twists came along and got me back on track.

After it all, I found the movie to be well written, flawlessly acted, beautifully shot and worth the money. If you like character driven films that play with your movie thought process, go see this film. But if you go into movies expecting one thing and getting annoyed when it doesn't materialize, then don't go.

I expect nothing less.


Things Can Get Damn Funny Underwater!


Cartoon Network’s “Adult Swim” programming is shown late at night (or the beginning of the night for you drinkers…okay us drinkers) and has some of the funniest shows on television. The funniest might be Sealab 2021.

Sealab 2021 is something a little different. It takes the old classic dramatic early 1970’s series (Sealab 2020), keeps the characters and the animation but writes completely different stories and dialog. What was once a cheesy 70’s drama cartoon series, is now a crazy and hilarious cartoon for today.

Generally what may happen in an episode is the crew (assigned to exploring the possibility of underwater colonization) may start a debate about if they would put their brains in robot bodies. Or Affirmative Action promoting everyone to Captain. Or fighting giant squids over a toy oven. All the while a catastrophe threatens the colony, so Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn (the only smart and level one) has to save the day as the others are oblivious.

Check out the “Adult Swim” block of programming on the Cartoon Network. New Sealabs are shown Sunday nights. And if you have a issue with being an adult and watching “cartoons”, it’s really called a animated series…CAPTAIN.



David Lee Roth, the clever, enigmatic, former lead-singer of Van Halen sits in our ‘listening room’ to give us a blow by blow opinion of the new Van Halen best of album called “Best of Both Worlds

Dave is handed disc 1’s playlist as we put the CD in the player.

DAVE: They called it Best of Both Worlds? I know which ‘world’ is best Sammy. Why didn’t they call it “A Little Aint Enough For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge”?
DAVE: Oh no, not this damn thing again. Eddie thinks he’s so cool. NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN TO YOU MASTERBATE EDWARD!

DAVE: It’s about time you go on a diet Sammy…you fat ass.

DAVE: What the hell is this goofy shit? I can’t stand this one. Is this a Weird Al Yankovic song?

DAVE: Wuu-ohh, Sammy is getting serious everybody. Is this one of those where Eddie and Alex write the lyrics and then Sammy says he wrote it? When I was in Van Halen, all I saw was Alex staring at me with those oversized cop sunglasses.

DAVE: Now here’s a good Sammy one…oh wait, this one is mine. Ain’t is like a anti Sammy love song…that’s all I got.

DAVE: Van Halen goes Country. Sad, just sad.

DAVE: This one is a classic. I can still remember when I wrote this. I came to Eddie and said “Hey jack-ass, listen to these”…(Dave has just been informed it’s a cover song)

A cover what now?

DAVE: Ahh Sammy, this is so uplifting and so…gay. Wait, is he singing about getting high? This is a better song than I thought. Well done guys.

DAVE: I’ve got it bad baby! I am on all cylinders on this one. Even Eddie and Alex sound okay.

DAVE: Did Sammy write a song about cake? Who writes a song about baking ingredients? I once banged a girl with a YEAST infection but I didn’t think to write a song about it.

**That is part one of Dave’s Listening Room. Look for part two soon.

(Dave is written or 'played' by Mike Seay)


Wearing a Beard Makes me Tired

I have so many things I need to be writing about so I decided to write about nothing. 



At recent show in Las Vegas, singer Linda Rodstadt incited a near riot while performing her encore. No it wasn’t that her singing sucks but it was because she stopped to praise filmmaker Michael Moore for his movie “Fahrenheit 9/11”. Linda called Michael a “great American patriot.”

Many of the ‘fans’ began booing and then stormed out of the show. Some of these now former fans went outside and began tearing her posters down and throwing drinks in the air. Linda was never let back into her suite at the Aladdin and was told to leave.

Now could you see Liberals doing something like this if say Dave Matthews Band stopped during their show and said “Hey Rush Limbaugh is a cool dude, check out his radio show.”? There is no way. Maybe if Matthews said something like “Keep pot illegal!” then there would be a riot (insert, ‘lazy pothead would run out of energy and forget what he was mad about’, joke here).

Another thing a liberal wouldn’t have done is throw his drink in the air-- He would have downed that shit before he threw it!

I never thought that conservatives knew how to riot. Of course they chose a LINDA RONSTADT SHOW to do it but hey, it’s a start.


I Have a 'Special Interest' in 'Girlie Men'

I tend to lean a little more to the left than to the right (okay, I’m a lefty—physically and politically), but even I am saying take it easy on California Governor Schwarzenegger.

The Governator was speaking in Ontario the other day. During a speech on the State budget, Arnie called Democrats “girlie men” because they are dragging their feet on passing the Governor’s budget. He also said, “If they don’t have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, ‘I don’t want to represent you, I want to represent special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers.”

Democrats are saying the “girlie men” remark was sexist and homophobic. Now it could be said that (since he is implying that Democrats are being spineless by saying they are girlie) he is calling women spineless, but I don’t think that is what he meant. If he did mean it that way, he should be called sexist! But he is just using an old Saturday Night Live sketch where the characters Hanz and Franz would dress and act like Arnold then call wimpy guys “girlie men”.

The statement that Democrats should be mad about is Arnie saying they “represent special interests and trial lawyers.”

I’ll take being called a girlie man over a special interest representative any day.


Yes, Yes, I Can See You Jackass!

Wow, your at the game and you have a cell phone..yea dork!

If you watch any Baseball at all, you have seen them (hell, maybe you have been one of them). The dorks who sit around home plate, get on their cell phones, and wave to somebody watching them on TV. You see me waving…yea…hey look, I’m still waving huh? Ooohh, you can see me again?...I’ll keep waving then.

Can’t the director of the broadcast do something about this? Maybe blur them out or put an ad in front of their face? As soon as you see a fan around home plate put a cell phone to their ear, throw up a Viagra logo or a Sportscenter is next!

I readily admit, when I call people dorks it’s the pot calling the kettle black. But at least I keep it to the confines of the local comic book shop or Bloggin page.

If one day you find yourself next to one of these people, give them a solid punch to the arm as soon as they start waving. Now that is something I wouldn’t mind seeing!


eBay is eNuts!

People will sell anything and nothing.

Maybe you have heard about the British teen who was trying to sell his virginity on eBay (I sure would like to see the buyer feedback message after that transaction). This probably doesn’t surprise you but that is not the only odd thing people are trying to sell on eBay.

Somebody is selling nothing for $1.00. The seller says “Help prove to my friend that there is a demand for nothing.” At least he has a sense of humor.

Also on sale are high quality “Brass Balls”. These are Marine Grade people--not to be placed in girlfriend’s purse (that’s not a joke line by the way, that is their warning label).

Sticking with our male genitalia theme, “Biker Balls are the ultimate motorcycle accessory!” I couldn’t have said it better myself. These are plastic molds made to look like male balls that can be hung from your ATV or riding mower (insert your joke here).

Finally, a hair stylist is selling an over 2 hour video of a girl getting 20 inches of her hair cut off. Yep, not lying, she isn’t nude or anything. It’s at the low price of $30.00 minimum bid.

Turns out, the smartest buy is the guy selling nothing.


Screenwriters, check this out!
Anybody who’s into screenwriting or thinking about it should try these websites.

http://www.scriptsales.com Has everything you need! The best is the updated list of scripts that have sold recently. It gives the scripts logline and who wrote it and what it sold for (most of the time). The forum is great for asking questions or posting some of your work so it can be critiqued.

www.joblo.com/moviescripts.htm You can look at movie scripts for free plus there is a lot of movie related things to check out. They also have a good message forum but it’s frequented by a lot of younger “aspiring” writers who like hit-men and zombie movies a little too much.

www.wordplayer.com Great site for screenwriting advice and writing in general.  Probably the best I have come across so far.