7/31/2004

ROTH REVIEWS VAN HALEN'S LATEST?

David Lee Roth, the clever, enigmatic, former lead-singer of Van Halen sits in our ‘listening room’ to give us a blow by blow opinion of the new Van Halen best of album called “Best of Both Worlds

Dave is handed disc 1’s playlist as we put the CD in the player.

DAVE: They called it Best of Both Worlds? I know which ‘world’ is best Sammy. Why didn’t they call it “A Little Aint Enough For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge”?
ERUPTION
DAVE: Oh no, not this damn thing again. Eddie thinks he’s so cool. NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN TO YOU MASTERBATE EDWARD!

IT’S ABOUT TIME
DAVE: It’s about time you go on a diet Sammy…you fat ass.

UP FOR BREAKFAST
DAVE: What the hell is this goofy shit? I can’t stand this one. Is this a Weird Al Yankovic song?

LEARNING TO SEE
DAVE: Wuu-ohh, Sammy is getting serious everybody. Is this one of those where Eddie and Alex write the lyrics and then Sammy says he wrote it? When I was in Van Halen, all I saw was Alex staring at me with those oversized cop sunglasses.

AIN’T TALKIN’ ‘BOUT LOVE
DAVE: Now here’s a good Sammy one…oh wait, this one is mine. Ain’t is like a anti Sammy love song…that’s all I got.

FINISH WHAT YA STARTED
DAVE: Van Halen goes Country. Sad, just sad.

YOU REALLY GOT ME
DAVE: This one is a classic. I can still remember when I wrote this. I came to Eddie and said “Hey jack-ass, listen to these”…(Dave has just been informed it’s a cover song)


A cover what now?

DREAMS
DAVE: Ahh Sammy, this is so uplifting and so…gay. Wait, is he singing about getting high? This is a better song than I thought. Well done guys.

HOT FOR TEACHER
DAVE: I’ve got it bad baby! I am on all cylinders on this one. Even Eddie and Alex sound okay.

POUNDCAKE
DAVE: Did Sammy write a song about cake? Who writes a song about baking ingredients? I once banged a girl with a YEAST infection but I didn’t think to write a song about it.

**That is part one of Dave’s Listening Room. Look for part two soon.


(Dave is written or 'played' by Mike Seay)

7/22/2004

Wearing a Beard Makes me Tired



I have so many things I need to be writing about so I decided to write about nothing. 


7/20/2004

NO 'SUITE' FOR YOU!

At recent show in Las Vegas, singer Linda Rodstadt incited a near riot while performing her encore. No it wasn’t that her singing sucks but it was because she stopped to praise filmmaker Michael Moore for his movie “Fahrenheit 9/11”. Linda called Michael a “great American patriot.”

Many of the ‘fans’ began booing and then stormed out of the show. Some of these now former fans went outside and began tearing her posters down and throwing drinks in the air. Linda was never let back into her suite at the Aladdin and was told to leave.

Now could you see Liberals doing something like this if say Dave Matthews Band stopped during their show and said “Hey Rush Limbaugh is a cool dude, check out his radio show.”? There is no way. Maybe if Matthews said something like “Keep pot illegal!” then there would be a riot (insert, ‘lazy pothead would run out of energy and forget what he was mad about’, joke here).

Another thing a liberal wouldn’t have done is throw his drink in the air-- He would have downed that shit before he threw it!

I never thought that conservatives knew how to riot. Of course they chose a LINDA RONSTADT SHOW to do it but hey, it’s a start.

7/19/2004

I Have a 'Special Interest' in 'Girlie Men'

I tend to lean a little more to the left than to the right (okay, I’m a lefty—physically and politically), but even I am saying take it easy on California Governor Schwarzenegger.

The Governator was speaking in Ontario the other day. During a speech on the State budget, Arnie called Democrats “girlie men” because they are dragging their feet on passing the Governor’s budget. He also said, “If they don’t have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, ‘I don’t want to represent you, I want to represent special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers.”

Democrats are saying the “girlie men” remark was sexist and homophobic. Now it could be said that (since he is implying that Democrats are being spineless by saying they are girlie) he is calling women spineless, but I don’t think that is what he meant. If he did mean it that way, he should be called sexist! But he is just using an old Saturday Night Live sketch where the characters Hanz and Franz would dress and act like Arnold then call wimpy guys “girlie men”.

The statement that Democrats should be mad about is Arnie saying they “represent special interests and trial lawyers.”

I’ll take being called a girlie man over a special interest representative any day.




7/12/2004

Yes, Yes, I Can See You Jackass!

Wow, your at the game and you have a cell phone..yea dork!

If you watch any Baseball at all, you have seen them (hell, maybe you have been one of them). The dorks who sit around home plate, get on their cell phones, and wave to somebody watching them on TV. You see me waving…yea…hey look, I’m still waving huh? Ooohh, you can see me again?...I’ll keep waving then.


Can’t the director of the broadcast do something about this? Maybe blur them out or put an ad in front of their face? As soon as you see a fan around home plate put a cell phone to their ear, throw up a Viagra logo or a Sportscenter is next!


I readily admit, when I call people dorks it’s the pot calling the kettle black. But at least I keep it to the confines of the local comic book shop or Bloggin page.


If one day you find yourself next to one of these people, give them a solid punch to the arm as soon as they start waving. Now that is something I wouldn’t mind seeing!

7/11/2004

eBay is eNuts!

People will sell anything and nothing.

Maybe you have heard about the British teen who was trying to sell his virginity on eBay (I sure would like to see the buyer feedback message after that transaction). This probably doesn’t surprise you but that is not the only odd thing people are trying to sell on eBay.

Somebody is selling nothing for $1.00. The seller says “Help prove to my friend that there is a demand for nothing.” At least he has a sense of humor.

Also on sale are high quality “Brass Balls”. These are Marine Grade people--not to be placed in girlfriend’s purse (that’s not a joke line by the way, that is their warning label).

Sticking with our male genitalia theme, “Biker Balls are the ultimate motorcycle accessory!” I couldn’t have said it better myself. These are plastic molds made to look like male balls that can be hung from your ATV or riding mower (insert your joke here).

Finally, a hair stylist is selling an over 2 hour video of a girl getting 20 inches of her hair cut off. Yep, not lying, she isn’t nude or anything. It’s at the low price of $30.00 minimum bid.

Turns out, the smartest buy is the guy selling nothing.

LOOKIE HERE SCREENWRITERS!

Screenwriters, check this out!
Anybody who’s into screenwriting or thinking about it should try these websites.


http://www.scriptsales.com Has everything you need! The best is the updated list of scripts that have sold recently. It gives the scripts logline and who wrote it and what it sold for (most of the time). The forum is great for asking questions or posting some of your work so it can be critiqued.


www.joblo.com/moviescripts.htm You can look at movie scripts for free plus there is a lot of movie related things to check out. They also have a good message forum but it’s frequented by a lot of younger “aspiring” writers who like hit-men and zombie movies a little too much.



www.wordplayer.com Great site for screenwriting advice and writing in general.  Probably the best I have come across so far.