8/31/2004

PART TWO OF DAVID LEE ROTH IN THE "LISTENING ROOM"

Back again by unpopular demand is part two of a four part interview I had with David Lee Roth, the former lead singer of Van Halen. I am playing the new “Best Of Both Worlds” best of CD that features the Dave and Sammy era of Van Halen. As Dave and I listen I get his comments on the songs.

AND THE CRADLE WILL ROCK
DAVE: This one is about babies and how I have none. The reason I don’t have any is because I’m fixed for one and because you can’t ROCK on stage and have a CRADLE at home. Are you hearing me Van Hagar boys?

BLACK AND BLUE
DAVE: In this one, Sammy is singing about how he likes to do it rough in bed and shit. I’ll bet he gets girls in bed and tells them to pull on his big Goldie Locks hair and say things like “Harder harder, you big haired fatty!”

JUMP
DAVE: It’s my number one chart topper, baby! Just try and do that Sammy, you can’t!
I bet I know the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear this song. It’s me wiping my ass with the mic stand in the video, isn’t it?

TOP OF THE WORLD
DAVE: What world are you top of Sammy? Cabo doesn’t count bitch! Any place you can be king of by drinking a grip of Tequila, is not a WORLD to be TOP OF.
Oh and Eddie, nice rip of your Jump riff.

OH PRETTY WOMAN
DAVE: I would always tell Edward, you’re halfway to a hit when you do a cover, and half way to an all day party when you have a plate of blow.

LOVE WALKS IN
DAVE: It’s too bad a producer didn’t WALK IN when Sammy was singing and tell him to shut up.
Isn’t this one of Sammy’s alien songs? I heard that Sammy is the real alien and he WALKS Into Alex’s bedroom every night to give him one of those anal probes.

BEAUTIFUL GIRLS

DAVE: Oh yes man, I love em and I need em. Too bad the only girls I get now are out of the yellow pages….um…no aaa I mean Sammy gets them out of the yellow pages, yea that’s what I heard, Sam.

CAN’T STOP LOVING YOU
DAVE: Unfortunately Sam CAN’T STOP writing songs about love. I think this one is a secret love letter to Alex.

UNCHAINED
DAVE: Oh shit, I’m off the chain and I have hit the ground runnin. This one is just about me being a bad-ass.


That was part two. Part three and four will be up soon.

(The part of David Lee Roth was actually written by Mike Seay. It’s pretty close to what Dave would say though. Only his comments would be funnier and make less sense.)

8/22/2004

Oh So I'm The Ass-hole Now? (part 1 and 2)

I must be an idiot!

If you were on United Flight 6054 from Kauai to LAX last Friday night, I'm the ass-hole who kept his overhead light on the whole damn flight. I don't think the poor dude next to me got a damn bit of sleep.

Let me explain. This was a five hour "red-eye" flight. So most people, the sane ones anyway, fully plan to sleep most of the flight. They take some PM pills and/or have a drink or just actually close their eyes and fall asleep. Now I did have a drink but it didn't really matter. I just can't sleep sitting up in a chair. Maybe for like thirty seconds but that is about it.

TIMELINE 8:30 PM
I am on the plane and have found my seat. I am flying with my wife and friends (Mahalooo guys) but I am sitting next to none of them due to a overbooked flight. I've got the isle (the isle is best for me since I have a pea sized bladder) and the seats next to me and across the isle from me haven't been taken yet. The people next to you can make or break a flight.
The worst is the crying baby or brat kid that have parents that don't realize or care that their kid is a brat.

Who am I gonna get? Nice, it's a couple about my age, they ought to leave me alone, which is what we all want really...Yes? But who will be in the isle next to me?....Oh how nice, it's a bonus, a German speaking women who has, yes you guessed it, a baby and a little kid. The question is, are they brats? Actually they seem fine so far. So I get settled in for a nice five hour plus flight.

TIMELINE 9:10 PM
We are well into the air and over the Pacific. The movie is about to start (Shrek 2, about as good as a in-flight movie can get) and I do a quick lavatory run to empty out the aforementioned pea sized bladder. I catch a glimpse of the Wife already passed out and my friends still up and ready to watch Shrek2. About three quarters of the plane is still up.

TIMELINE 11:30 PM
The movie is over and the captain has turned off the interior lights so that people can start sleeping (again, normal people anyway). There are about a dozen overhead lights on now, mine being one of them. I'm reading now but I want to start writing stuff but I keep thinking the guy next to me will try and read what I'm writing. I don't know why I am thinking this-As if this guy gives a shit about what I'm writing. I am mostly just afraid he'll look over and think what a dumb-ass I am for writing about being on a red-eye flight.

TIMELINE 12:45 PM
The baby across the isle has finally started to cry. I think I am the only one that is not bothered by this since I am the only fool in the area with his light on. There are actually twelve lights currently on in the entire plane.

TIMELINE 1:15 AM ( 4:15 LA time)
Out of approximately 300 people, I am now the only one with his light on. Yep I am the only loser who isn't trying to sleep. I'm still worried the guy next to me is looking at my writing even though he has his head buried in his hands-probably thinking "I wish this jack-ass would turn off his fuckin light."

TIMELINE 4:55 AM (now switched to LA time)
The Captain has announced that we are getting ready to land and everybody needs to wake the hell up. I'm the only person to have kept his light on the whole flight. I don't know if I should feel proud or stupid.

In the end, I'm not sure why I decided to write about sitting through a red-eye flight being the only person who tried to stay awake. Writing practice? Pass the time? To just piss off the guy next to me?
Nah, probably just to be an idiot.

8/12/2004

If Anybody Gives a Damn

If there is actually anybody who checks this blog regularly, other than my cousin Trent (yes, I told everyone you said "Hi.", Trent), you might like to know I won't be able to post anything for a week or so.

I will be going on "Vacation" (doing a stint in Corcoran State Prison) and won't be near a computer (I'll be in cell block B, bottom bunk, being Randal's 'bitch').

So please be kind and check back next week for more pseudo witty writing (please send a carton of smokes to me at Corcoran, or "The Cork", so I can trade it for some extra pudding).

Thanks Guys!

8/10/2004

THEY WERE GOING TO SHUT OFF THAT STRIPPER'S POWER, HONEY

Strip bars or "gentlemen clubs" (could there be a more contradictory description of guys going into a "gentleman's club"?) are in most cities. If your city doesn't have one, Las Vegas helps bring back up the national topless bar per city ratio your city is pulling down.

In Las Vegas there is a topless bar called "The Crazy Horse II". Apparently one crazy horse running around wasn't enough--just tell the cab driver "the deuce" (FYI). On a recent trip to a best friend's bachelor party, I happen to meander into "The Deuce". Purely for writing research mind you.

As odd or perfectly sane as it may sound, one of the best parts is telling a good looking girl who has just come up to you asking to "dance" for you, no thanks. When is there any other time that this happens? None, not even during a blue moon, leap year or a L.A. Clipper championship run. Sometimes they go away quickly looking for another sucker and sometimes you gotta start coming up with reasons. For example, "I'm too shy." " My wife would kill me." "My boyfriend is in the bathroom."--actually that one can back-fire sometimes.

But the most common stripper turn down line might be "I don't have enough money." That is a big mistake.
"You have a ATM card don't you?" the stripper asks. You say "Well, yea sure." The stripper replies "Don't worry, we can just run your card, the statement will just say The Power Company. So when your wife looks at the statement, you're okay."

The Power Company? Who the fuck thought that was a smart one to use? Who's town's utility company is just called The Power Company? And what woman is going to actually think you paid the power bill in Las Vegas at three in the morning?

I would love to hear an explanation by one of these guys: "Yea well ya see honey, we were all asleep in our hotel rooms when suddenly the front desk called and said they were a little short on the electricity bill and the only way to keep the power on was for one of the guests to donate eighty eight dollars. None of the other ass-holes wanted to help out so I stepped up and made the donation. I'm really a bit of a hero at the Luxor now. A true "gentleman" you might say."


8/04/2004

Friggin Enough Already

Quincy, Qunicy, Quincy. I have heard enough about it.

Freshly former Dallas QB, Quincy Carter, has been cut for unknown reasons (coke cokie coke cokesters…allegedly). With all of the coverage of this, you would think the Vatican released the Pope.

Sportscenter spent it’s first five minuets on it (they of course came back to the story later). Dan Patrick spent almost his whole three hour radio show on the story. It was one of the lead stories on my Yahoo page-although one of the other stories was the best 80’s cover songs, so maybe that’s a bad example.

Do you think if the Jacksonville Jaguars released their mildly talented QB there would be so much press? (And nooo, I can’t think of Jacksonville’s starting quarterback and I feel good about it). The answer is no, there wouldn’t be nearly the press

I understand the reason for all of the coverage. It’s the Cowboys, Parsells, J. Jones, “America’s Team”. Are they still “America’s Team”? Is God still looking through that damn hole in the stadium? NO GOD OF MINE DAMMIT!

My God is busy with watching out for Marshall Faulk to make sure he stays healthy this year. For Mark Bulger to become the bad-ass that Dieter Brock never could be….Wait, what was I talking about?...Oh yea, cokeheads (allegedly).

Attention national media…we all don’t give that much of a damn about nose candy quarterback’s getting dumped during training camp…allegedly.

8/03/2004

Don't EXPECT Anything From This Review!

MY REVIEW OF "THE VILLAGE"

Expectations. It's what most of us have going into a big, widely talked about, movie. Especially a movie that is made by writer/director M. Night Shyamalan. Just in case you don't know, he is the filmmaker behind Sixth Sense, Unbreakable (underrated movie!) and Signs.

I luckily went into this movie with little expectations and came out entertained. The Village didn't go where I expected it to go but that is what happens with a M. Night movie. That is his shtick. Take you through a few twists and turns, all the while leaving a trail of bread crumbs for the audience to follow that eventually leads to the climatic ending.

The ending I found satisfying but many around me didn't. Not because it was bad necessarily, but because they 'expected' something else. Expected it to be scarier or for a certain character to be or do a certain thing (It's hard to talk about a movie like this without giving plot points away. At least for a hack writer like myself).

At one point I did become disappointed in the film. It started to feel like a well written Scooby-Doo episode only without all the "zoinks" and scooby snacks. But another one of M. Night's twists came along and got me back on track.

After it all, I found the movie to be well written, flawlessly acted, beautifully shot and worth the money. If you like character driven films that play with your movie thought process, go see this film. But if you go into movies expecting one thing and getting annoyed when it doesn't materialize, then don't go.

I expect nothing less.

8/01/2004

Things Can Get Damn Funny Underwater!

THE FUNIEST SHOW YOUR NOT WATCHING!

Cartoon Network’s “Adult Swim” programming is shown late at night (or the beginning of the night for you drinkers…okay us drinkers) and has some of the funniest shows on television. The funniest might be Sealab 2021.

Sealab 2021 is something a little different. It takes the old classic dramatic early 1970’s series (Sealab 2020), keeps the characters and the animation but writes completely different stories and dialog. What was once a cheesy 70’s drama cartoon series, is now a crazy and hilarious cartoon for today.

Generally what may happen in an episode is the crew (assigned to exploring the possibility of underwater colonization) may start a debate about if they would put their brains in robot bodies. Or Affirmative Action promoting everyone to Captain. Or fighting giant squids over a toy oven. All the while a catastrophe threatens the colony, so Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn (the only smart and level one) has to save the day as the others are oblivious.

Check out the “Adult Swim” block of programming on the Cartoon Network. New Sealabs are shown Sunday nights. And if you have a issue with being an adult and watching “cartoons”, it’s really called a animated series…CAPTAIN.