9/28/2004

California Coastline Dreamin

Audible Flux Headlines: A series of earthquakes, one of them registering magnitude 5.9, shook central California on September 28, 2004


What a mess! That's your bad Karma from killin that deer dude! (note the deer head mounted on the wall)

Man! I always miss these things--well not always, but I missed this one. Most everybody else felt it in the Fresno area, but I was outside (and in Madera). It's a little harder to feel them when your not in a building (the small quakes anyway).

I am disappointed to miss this latest quake because they are really a cool experience (as long as nobody gets hurt that is).

Unlike other natural disasters, earthquakes come without warning. One moment your watching cartoons, or talking shit about a co-worker with somebody, or sitting on the can reading Maxim. Then, without any warning, the floor under you is rolling and stuff is rattling around you and your stomach gets a big knot because all your life (as a Californian) you have been told that the "Big One" will come someday and, for a few seconds, you think this might be it. The "Big One" will come and crumble life as you know it leaving Fresno with a coastline and LA underwater.

That would be so sweet....The Fresno coastline part that is. LA, San Diego, San Fran, Pismo Beach, they have all had the coastline for way too long! It's time for us people inland to get some of that Ocean air-you selfish Coastline bitches!

MICROBREW....MACRO HANGOVER!

Yes, I have a drinking problem. The problem is with the damn hangovers. And I have legendary hangovers. Last weekend was no exception.

But before I tell you that, nobody gets worse hangovers than me. Mine last for a full day, sometimes into the next. I puke all day, usually about every 45 minuets or so, until the late evening (it used to be just the morning but old age is creeping up on me).

I’ve never missed a day of work but I sure have missed plenty of classes, overstayed welcomes (because I couldn’t drive home puking ya know), had to pretend I had the flu at family gatherings, had GREEN things come out of me and last Sunday, miss a day of hanging around with my friends watching Football (Mike Martz sucks!).

I missed that day of Football because I underestimated the power of MICROBEER. When they say it’s 7.5 % alcohol, they ain’t shitin you! But you know I didn’t have anymore than anybody else did, but yet something chemical in my weak-ass, stomach of an infant, belly, went haywire. That 7.5% Sent me into a day long puke-fest the likes of which couldn’t be rivaled by the worst morning sickness.

The thing is, I’m not a rookie at drinking (my mom is so proud). I know how to drink and know I can get heavy duty hangovers at the drop of a pint glass. But yet that knowledge just floats out of my brain when the Micro beers start flowing. “It won’t happen this time.” I say to myself. “I haven’t been getting hangovers from those Ultra’s.” (I think they must just put a drop of alcohol in those.)

So remember kids, take it from a drunk who knows, just because the beer is from a Microbrewer doesn’t mean it won’t give you a big-ass hangover.



9/20/2004

Real Time might be the best show on TV

I love great comedy writing (yes, that's why I hate my writing). It takes a lot of talent to write something funny and make a great point at the same time. Bill Maher and his staff at Real Time do a great job at this.

Here is a quote from Bill's last show (during his "New Rules" segment) that gives you an idea of what I'm talking about:


New Rule: Stop building "fuck-you-mobiles." A company called International is offering a pickup truck that is twice as heavy as the Hummer and so bad for the environment you can actually watch the sky falling in your rearview mirror. They call it the "image enhancer" for - quote - "folks who just want more." In other words, "assholes." But at a cost of a hundred grand, wouldn't it just be cheaper to go ahead and get the penis enlargement surgery?

It's funny because it's true. There are people or "assholes" out there, who actually buy vehicles just because they know it's pissing-off some enviromentalist. They don't even try and come up with that bull-shit primise of acutally NEEDING a vehicle that size because of their family (even though that family is just one bratty-ass kid).

9/19/2004

It's Muppet Killin Time!



YOU CAN SHOOT EWOKS!
(more details to follow--but do you need more?)

9/15/2004

FINALLY, A Hurricane I Can Get Interested In!

THIS IS A DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT USUALLY THIS SELF CENTERED OR UN-FEELING TOWARDS PEOPLE IN HARMS WAY OR TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOST LOVE ONES. I AM SIMPLY FINDING HUMOR IN A SCREWED UP SITUATION (plus when your a struggling writer like myself, you've got to pimp out every thought in your head).

Headlines: Tropical Storm Bonnie Batters Florida
My thought?...Well I didn't have a thought, I was busy researching players for my Fantasy Football draft.

Headlines: Hurricane Charley Hits Florida
My thought?....Florida again huh...Why do people put trailer homes there?

Headlines: Hurricane Frances Deals It To Florida
My thought?...Damn that new Father Of The Pride show on NBC sucks ass!

Headlines: Hurricane Ivan Heading Towards New Orleans
My thought?...New Orleans? Oooohh cool. Now I am interested. That's a nice change up. I was getting so bored of those Florida ones. If girls pull up their top to Ivan, will the Hurricane spit out some beads?

WWE RAW!



Most of you have probably seen this picture already but have you taken a good look at it?

Notice how the guys are mostly just laughing or have a "Oh cool!" look on their face. The girls have a "OH MY GOD!" expression. Whenever a fight breaks out at a game, the guys are like "Yes, a fight!" and girls are "I can't believe they are fighting."

-I like pointing out obvious stuff I guess.

9/13/2004

All My Rowdy Songs Are Coming Over Tonight

For years now, the start of every Monday Night Football Show begins with a modified version of Hank Williams song "All My Rowdy Friends are Coming Over Tonight". The song is now better know as the "Are you ready for some Football?" song. Every year the song changes a little and the video tries to become a little more "rowdy".

Do you think all Hank Williams does now is just re-write his song every year to fit the even "more rowdy" new season? I'm sure it must be tough finding the time to do that year after year with all of his big county fair tours throughout the year.

When fans go to his show, do they call out for Hank to do the Football song? Do they even remember the original version? Do fans clamor for specific year versions? "Hey Hank, play Are You Ready 99!" Or do fans talk about seeing him at different places "Yea Randall, I saw him play at my trailer park picnic area last October and he did the 2001 version-he tore it up! Let me tell ya, I was ready for some damn Football that night!"




9/07/2004

The Orchid THIEF

In what should not be surprising news but still is, the movie "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid" is still number three at the box office and has made twenty four million so far. And I think that screenwriter Charlie Kaufman (he wrote the screenplay for the movie Adaptation) should be laughing his ass off at the movie's premise.

If you have not seen Adaptation here is the scene that shows why Kaufman should be chuckling:

VALERIE
So, tell me your thoughts on this
crazy little project of ours.

In one motion, Kaufman swabs his forehead and pulls a book
entitled The Orchid Thief from his bag.

KAUFMAN
First, I think it's a great book.

VALERIE
Laroche is a fun character, isn't he?

Kaufman nods, flips through the book, stalling. A photo of
author Susan Orlean smiles from the inside back cover.

KAUFMAN
Absolutely. And Orlean makes orchids so
fascinating. Plus her musings on
Florida, orchid poaching. Indians.
Great, sprawling New Yorker stuff. I'd
want to remain true to that, let the
movie exist rather than be artificially
plot driven.

VALERIE
Okay, great, great. I guess I'm not
exactly sure what that means.

KAUFMAN
Oh. Well... I like to let my work
evolve, so I'd want to go into it with
sort of open-ended kind of... and also
not force it into a typical movie form.

VALERIE
Oh. That sounds interesting... what
you're saying. I mean, I'm intrigued.

KAUFMAN

(blurting)
It's just, I don't want to ruin it by
making it a Hollywood product. Like, an
orchid heist movie or something.
Or changing the orchids into poppies and
turning it into a movie about drug
running. Y'know? Why can't there be a
movie simply about flowers? That's all.


VALERIE
That's what we're thinking. Definitely.

KAUFMAN
Like, I don't want to cram in sex, or car
chases, or guns. Or characters learning
profound life lessons. Or growing or
coming to like each other or overcoming
obstacles to succeed in the end. Y'know?
The book isn't like that. Life isn't
like that. It just isn't. I feel very
strongly about this.


Okay, if you have not figured out where I am going with this story here is the description for the movie Anacondas: The Hunt for the BLOOD ORCHID.

A scientific expedition is sent to the jungles of Borneo to search for a rare black orchid by a powerful pharmaceutical company that hopes the orchid can be used to unlock the secrets of youth and immortality. What they discover is that the orchid is already being used by a powerful group... a swarm of giant snakes that derive their super strength, size and vitality from the flowers, and extremely large snakes are also extremely hungry snakes...



Now I am sure Charlie Kaufman sees this and just thinks "I knew they were going to do something like that.
But I bet if his "brother" Donald was alive, he would think Anacondas was a great script.


9/03/2004

Ranting and Questioning

Name one old guy who is better off than Michael Douglas.

Magic Shell ice-cream syrup is the greatest food product ever invented.

Don’t you hate those ass-holes who use the drive-up ATM to do ALL of their banking for the month as you wait for their ass?

Baseball is the only sport that is good on the radio.

HEY A.O.L….STOP SENDING ME YOUR DAMN DISC’S! YOU COULD PUT TEN ZILLION FREE HOURS ON IT…I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

Why is it when magazines review albums, they never put the song that has been released as one of the “hot tracks”? Does the reviewer think it makes him look smarter because he can name songs that aren’t on the radio?

Could Macy Gray just please go away already?

I love walking around in a new unwashed t-shirt.

Yes, I am a dork.

9/02/2004

"THE RIGHT" IS FOOLIN YA!

All of these right wing attacks on Kerry’s Vietnam record need to stop. “The Right” have muddied up the water so bad it is making people forget the indisputable facts:

• Kerry volunteered to go to Vietnam. (Bush?)
• Kerry could have gotten out of it Nam if he really wanted to. (Bush?)
• Kerry has a clean record as a soldier. (Bush?..Soldier?)
• Kerry finished his time. (Bush?)

In the words of Stan Lee…NUFF SAID.

9/01/2004

Would You Like Plastic or Paper?

CD's that are packaged in the cardboard cases instead of the traditional plastic jewel cases, bug the hell out of me.

Call me anal-retentive or a dumbass who thinks about stupid things too much, but they screw up my CD shelf. It doesn't look right and sometimes the boxes are too big to fit properly in the shelf and they throw off the spacing. Sometimes the boxes start wearing out too.

I can understand the bands might think cardboard cases are better for the environment but that's only if I threw away the case. Why would I throw away the case?...I love the case, it's my friend. It just feels right in my hand plus it's easier to take out the booklet when it's a jewel case. Sometimes It takes a few minutes to even find the book in the cardboard ones. Besides, aren't you using more tree's with the paper ones. And couldn't you use recycled plastic for the jewel cases (yes you can use recycled paper too but I'm trying to make a friggin point here).

Please, somebody make a compact disc law or something and stop the Cardboard madness...MADNESS I TELL YOU!