12/27/2004

The Big Wheeling Seventies

It’s inevitable that every Christmas, while wrapping gifts or tearing them open, you reminisce about gifts you got as a child. This year, for me, it was the Big Wheel.

The Big Wheel was an orange, red and I want to say…blue, plastic tricycle. It was the first “vehicle” that I owned. My first little bit of freedom, a cool way to go down the sidewalk. Not like the lame, bike with training wheels or holding your mommies hand way.

The best part was skidding. You get up a full head of steam, pick a driveway of somebody you didn’t like, and slam that front wheel sideways as hard as you can. If you left a nice black mark and got the old man in the house to glare at you from his front window, you’ve done your job.

I thought I was pretty damn cool with my Big Wheel—but then came the Green Machine. It was bigger and had a hand brake and well…it was green. It seemed like the most expensive piece of equipment ever engineered.

It was the bike for the “elite” neighborhood kid, who was better known as the asshole or “poop-head” of the block. Or the kid compensating for a small penis even though he didn’t know about the whole big penis envy thing yet. It’s now called “Humvieitis”.

Even after I learned how to ride a bike, I still rode my Big Wheel more often times than not. One of the last memories I have of my Big Wheeler was riding it when I was probably fifty pounds over the recommended weight for a rider. So basically it was last year.

I guess I would say that the Big Wheel was the greatest toy of the seventies, if not OF ALL TIME! Wait, Electric Football came out then didn’t it?

12/14/2004

IT'S A DEMOCRATIC CHRISTMAS

Have you ever wondered, (when holiday shopping in Target, buying socks from grandma and a new Playstation game for yourself) "What political party does this Target donate to the most?"

What's that? You haven't? Yea me neither. But if you are curious, go to choosetheblue.com .
There you can find out if your favorite store, car maker, utility company, porn producer or even restaurant, contributes to your party more than the other.

I do warn you though, you may become very disappointed to find out that some of your favorite places donate to the wrong party. Like, I found out that Taco Bell donates 83% to the Republican Party. So now I guess I'm going to have to get people to buy me my Taco Bell. Would that still count?

Sonic Drive-in donates 100% to the Democratic Party though. Think there is any chance Sonic will start making Gordita Crunches?

12/07/2004

Is Santa Outsourcing Jobs?

Zogby International did a pole involving what political party people think the Grinch, Santa and Ebenezer Scrooge are in. Here is what they thought:

Ebenezer Scrooge.........Republican. That one is obvious--an old white guy with lots of money. But what is he after he changes into nice and giving Ebenezer on Christmas morning. A flip-flopping damn liberal that's what!

Santa Claus.......Democrat. Okay, I get it. He is a giving guy, no matter if you are poor or not. But he does run a monopoly type business. And I don't know how much he is paying those elves but I get the sense that it's next to nothing. At least he isn't outsourcing work overseas...or is he? I called the 1-800 Santa customer service center the other day and I got an "elf" that called himself "Steve" but had a real think Indian accent.

The Grinch......Republican. This just shows how two-party-happy we are. It's so obvious he is a Libertarian. He's got that "Everybody do what they want but be quiet about it and just leave me the fuck alone!" thing down.


*Check out the full details of the poll here.


12/02/2004

SOMEBODY GIVE ME A RIDE TO AA!

This is a message that was on my machine last weekend. Keep in mind I don't know this person or George and my number is stated on my out going message:

1:00 a.m.(Slurring)
"Georgie, it's Cheryl. Give me a call back at the number you see across your phone or just come pick me up....or just come down or do something god-dammit....now...bye."

Okay, so 'Cheryl' is drunk, needs a ride home from George and called the wrong number; no big deal right?
THIS IS LIKE THE FIFTEENTH TIME SHE HAS CALLED MY HOUSE FOR GEORGE, OVER MANY MONTHS.

It's always late and she is always looking for George and she always sounds drunk. The times I've talked to her, I just say you have the wrong number. At first I didn't think she had the wrong number. I just thought this George guy met Cheryl at a bar and gave my number to her as a fake. But now I just think George's number is really close to mine and Cheryl's drunk ass can't dial correctly.

The best calls are when she has called earlier asking for a ride and then calls back at 4:00 a.m. pissed off at George because he hasn't shown up. Poor old George doesn't even know she has called. I just wonder what she says to George the next day, "Hey ass-hole, why didn't you pick me up last night?" George says "I didn't get any calls last night." Cheryl replies "Bullshit, you were screening last night."

I figure this Georgie guy must be her brother because I don't know any guy who would be letting his girlfriend go drinking without him, every weekend, and then come pick her stumbling booze hound ass up.

Maybe one night, I'll pick up the phone and pretend I'm George, ask where she is at, and come pick her up.
I'll bet George would really appreciate it. And Cheryl will have a story to tell when she enters AA.