KORN. LIVE. YOU. FREE.

DORKTOWN has teamed up with the Bako writer/podcaster/badass Nick Belardes to give YOU a chance to win tickets to see Korn kick off their world tour in Bakersfield.

A special code number will be given in the next Dorktown podcast (show 20 or a special emergency show in the next couple days), along with codes given in three podcasts hosted by Nick Belardes (click to find more info). Once you listen to the designated podcast, you will email Nick at noveltown@noveltown.net with the correct "codes". First one to do so get two tickets to Korn.

More news and podcasts to come.

SHOW 19...TOASTED

Download this: SHOW 19 (WARNING - Adult type themes and such)

Download it so you can hear:
-Graciela Moreno reports on C's nudeness.
-The Stanley Cup in Fresno.
-"Libation" is the latest Fresno Podcast.
-Bell's saw a Carls JR. power play.
-C's High Horse: Orchard Park.
-Rejuvenate the Forestiere Underground Gardens...With sex clubs?
-Fresno's too damn spread out.
-The boys call up some strippers and don't fool anybody...Toy Shows Maaann.
-NEW SEGMENT: "Played or Propa" Is Kopi played out? "Lost"? Big Wheels? Pat Hill's Fumancu?
-Another Bells ARMENIAN LESSON.
-The EEHHHHHH'S are given out.

YOU...LISTENER'S...YOU ROCK!

Show 18 Loves Bakersfield?

Bells and C (Mikie) are back with their Fresno podcast way. Download this: Show 18 Warning! Adult Content...content.

-Happy New Bells Years.
-Wiffleball news.
-Run wild in the Figs Bells.
-Pete "The Truck Guy" found us and he has a gun.
-Dorktown reviews Fresno bar The Dirty Olive.
-NEW SEGMENT: C's High Horse.
-NL Belardes gives us a ECHL rivalry report.
-Pat Hill a Ram.
-Famous Bullard Knights (sorry Jarah).
-Fresno Famous will let anybody ruin their site.
-NEW SEGMENT: Armenian class is in session.
-OR GAME: Bells stole condoms...kinda.
-Get Fuzzy gone from the Bee.
-NEW SEGMENT: Fonzy EEhhhhhhhh's

--------------------------------------------
Get your voice on the show by calling Dorktown at 559-224-2483 (24/7) and leaving a message.

(thanks to the good folks at Money Shot for the Dork Hotel pic)

Where Have All The Figs Gone?--Show 17

Remember when Fresno had these things called Fig Orchards? Mike, Derek and Aaron remember how they threw dirt-clods at passing cars from them.

"Producer" Becky tries to get them to wrap-it-up. Bells is not "in studio" and won't even answer his phone.

Palm and Bullard 7-11 is party central - so are the Californians.

Fig Gig. Air Guitar at Fresno State had moshpits.

The Fresno Intersection Game is played - Do you know where your Citibanks are? Derek starts an impromptu OR GAME (Stratomatic rules).

Bakersfield author "N.L." leaves Dorktown a message and Mike confuses it with Steve Martin's.

DOWNLOAD THE SHOW! palmandbullard.mp3
(Show 17 "The Fig Show" [even though it will say 16xmas])

Sixteen Merry Holidays

Happy Holiday's from Bells, MIKE, and Becky. (Download the show: xmasshow16.mp3 [44:22])

Armo's are way better than Cracker's.

The latest game from Dorktown: INTERSECTION. Can you name that Fresno intersection?

Bullard grads (like K-Fed) make sex tapes...or do they?

We finally get a call on the listener line and Bells gets a "bootie call".

What are the greatest "Hair Bands" of all time?

Is Table Mountain worth 4.9 million?

DUI checkpoints: Fresno, we're number one.

X-mas drivers suck - So does Dr. Phil.

Howard Stern moves on - no David Lee Roth in Fresno.

Americans need to learn more about Canadians.

We beg you to call us (559-224-2483) when you need to make a drunk call.

Get yourself kicked-out of Hero's Comics in Fresno...and tape it.

xmasshow16.mp3[44:22]
-----------

TAKING CARE OF BISNITCH:
*Go To Our iTunes page and subscribe!

*Get involved and call our Listener Line at 559-224-2483 and leave us a message.

HEY! LOOK TO THE RIGHT! Yep, everything you need - our forum, email, other Fresno "casts"...

Dorktown Is Fifteen

Bells and Mikie welcome back to Dorktown...Aaron Ford.

Aaron gives a La Selva Beach update as the listeners get an LA King game update.

Aerosmith is coming to Fresno and Van Halen fans are not amused.

We have our first Dorktown Line (559-224-2483) call, really "unplanned". It just happens to be Mikie's cousin and screenwriter Trenton Seay. He helps the boys talk Star Wars and old Fresno movie theaters. Bells gives Mikie shit about having nu-metal CDs and Trent can't remember an old Fresno girlfriend.

A new Dorktown game debuts called TAGLINE.

Fresno's podcasting scene is getting big...big.

Why are WE still podcasting?

Fresno State football...we're off the bandwagon. Timeout is badass on EA's NCAA Football.

The Village at Fashion Fair is open.

Podcasting is hard to do sober -- We should have drank the Mad Dog.

We go out playing "Flowing's" promo.

Download us: dorktown15.mp3

TAKING CARE OF BISNITCH:
*Go To Our iTunes page and subscribe!

*Get involved and call our Listener Line at 559-224-2483 and leave us a message.

THIS IN NOT A PROMO

Everybody needs a promo - I guess. But this is more of a public service than a podcast "promo".

Do you have a promo for your podcast? How 'bout exchanging with this one: Dork advisory.mp3. If you play our "promo", let us know and we'll promote yours.

*A show note: We will be doing a new show over Thursday or Friday. I'm thinkin' you'll be able to contain yourself till then.

TAKING CARE OF BISNITCH:
*Go To Our iTunes page and subscribe!

*Get involved and call our Listener Line at 559-224-2483 and leave us a message.

One Long Drunk

Man, you can't stop a long podcast, you can only hope to contain it. Contain it we did not. This Dorktown Podcast broke all kinds of time records (laughs and time) - hopefully it was worth it.

Derek Snyder joins Mikie and Bells as they relive Derek's Fresno radio days (KFSR and KMJ's Raidio Tradio). Also, the Dorktown boys check in on a supposed Scorpions show at Fresno Fair's Paul Paul theatre. Fresno Famous' promo is played.

Then it gets real ugly as the guys' buzzes take over the show and it just turns messy. But they do mange to play a LYRIC GAME and a OR GAME with Derek.

Please just take a few minutes and download the mother! We've never laughed so damn much! Dorkshow14.mp3 (52:21)(explicit)
---------------
*Go To Our iTunes page and subscribe!

The Wait is Over - Show 13

(Bells [above] says FU)

We've been gone a while but we're back with: Show 13 Dorks.mp3

-Bells gives a backstage breakdown of the System Of A Down/The Mars Volta Fresno show.
-Save Mart suites rule.
-An Oakland U2 concert update from Ford and D, and it sounds like shit.
-Volta's afros are real!
-Another shit-cell-phone update from the U2 show in Oaktown.
-Dave Childers doesn't like Liberal rants.
-Has Fresno hit concert overload?
-Ford and U2 try to check-in again as Bells proclaims he is the Fresno Wiffle King.
-Fresno band PINKEYE is played.
-The debut of the Lyric Game as Becky joins Mikie and Bells (Even though you can't hear her).
-Dorktown Radio says no to BASS PRO in Downtown Fresno - Hunters ain't goin' to the Fulton Mall.

-The Mcrib is back...time to puke!
-New Rock 104's former DJ,The Rev, is on KRZR now and Bells doesn't care.
-Fresno's latest podcast The Old 1-2 is good.
-Bells mimics concert cell phone calls and we say thank you and good night to:
Fresno Famous, Trent Seay and all the fine listeners.

DOWNLOAD THIS: Show 13 Dorks.mp3


-------------------
Let the hosts know what ya think, in comments or email mike@dorktown.net . You can even call the listener-line and get your voice on the show. It's 24 hours a day and nobody will pick up. Call 559-224-2483.

*Subscribe to this feed:

Show In The Works

We are currently "working" on a new Dorktown show (By working I mean we aren't doin' shit) and you should be hearing something from us next week. Until then, you can always email us or hop on to the forum.

Show 12 Is A Rip-Off!

Fresno man, that's what this podcast is about. Show 12 "borrows" from 88.1 kfcf's Friday night show "Move On Up" (Friday's at 7:00). "Move" is hosted by Devoya Mayo and Michael Powell and they were hard up enough for a guest to bring Dorktown's own Mikie in. Things discussed:

Podcasting, Fresno creativeness, Zohrab, Fresyesers and Noers, Why a Fresno band hasn't "made it", writing, Ribit and Black Fry and a whole host of other cool Fresneck stuff.

Download -- show12.mp3


-------------------
Now you can add our show to your iTunes. Do a search for Dorktown or Audible Flux and subscribe to the show!

Let them know what ya think in comments or email mike@dorktown.net.
Or, Email Bells.

NEVER FORCE A PODCAST

ADVISORY NOTICE TO ALL PODCASTERS! DON'T PODCAST AFTER: PLAYING WIFFLEBALL AS YOU DRINK ALL DAY. ALSO DON'T ADD-ON A "WIFFLE TALK" ONLY PODCAST. THEN, DON'T GO OUT TO A LONG JAPANESE DINNER AND START GETTING A HANGOVER FROM DRINKING EARLIER AND THEN, AS IT BECOMES TOO LATE TO DO ANYTHING, FORCE PEOPLE TO DO A PODCAST WITH YOU.

That is the back-story you need to listen to this podcast.

A tired Mikey and Bells bring in Aaron Ford to tell everybody that La Selva Beach people suck. And give Aaron an extended "Or Game". Also they say good-bye to "The Front Row" and say thanks to Devoya from "Move On Up" and to some key listeners, as they listen to The Mars Volta.

Download me, show 11: sleepyshow11.mp3

Sorry, We're Still Here!

This isn't really a show but a commercial for upcoming show 11.

During this "show" (10.5) Mikey talks about how he'll be on the radio (88.1 in Fresno, Friday night 7:00 P.M.), laments how he had to give away his Taproot tickets, pretends he's at the Taproot/Chevelle show and he talks about show 11.

Show 11 will have Aaron Ford, a new "Or Game", Bells and Mikey talkin' KRZR, Green Day's Fresno show review, upcoming System of a Down show and whatever else comes into their drunk heads.


show 10.5.mp3

SHOW TEN IS HISTORIC?

DORKTOWN TEN.MP3

40:44

What did Bells and Mikie talk about?...

Thanking Fresno Famous and the fLOWING WITH FAMOUS team of Jarah, Reid and "Malcom", with special thanks to Devoya Mayo of 88.1.

Was Axl Rose ever in Fresno? Listeners are board to death. Cartoons and porn.

Closed Fresno businesses. Bullard "Open Campus". C Student Nerds are the worst. You can't fuck-up Italian food. They don't call Fashion Fair "F.F." for nothin'. You're doin' good when you need to steal condoms.

A listener gets called out.

Fresno punk band "It'll Grow Back" gets some action.

Bad crank calls. BELLS conducts his first "OR GAME" -and it's good.

Good bye's and bad singing.

Somebody Should Fire The Host

Dorktown show host Mikie gets his ass ripped for being a crap host. Becky and Bells try and help Mikie out but he's beyond help.

Outside of Mikie getting his ass ripped, the group talks about: People who don't like mainstream rock, Six Feet Under, Steve Perry, Keso Dip (or caso or Cso...I don't know), Aaron Ford's old ass, Jack Johnson sucks, little person sex, bands that sell out and a lot of F-Bombs by Bells. If adult language scars you, ya best not listen.

Download me: Lameshow9.mp3

----------------------

Now you can add our show to your iTunes. Do a search for Dorktown or Audible Flux and subscribe to the show!
Let Mikie, Bells and Becky know what ya think in comments or email mike@dorktown.net . You can even call and leave a voicemail (24hours a day) at 559-224-2483 or visit the Dorktown MESSAGE BOARD.

Show Eight Worth The Wait?

It has been a couple weeks but Dork Mikie has returned with Co-host Bells. What the hell was discussed?

-New Fresno restaurant action.
-Rock shows coming to Fresno.
-Best and worst of the week.
-The "Or Game" and was it modified by Greytank Records
and their podcast?
-Bells PLAYS the "Or Game"
-Mikie knocks crap over as he trys to thank people.

Download it now: DorkShow8.mp3.


-------------------
Give host Mikie and Bells some love! Now you can add our show to your iTunes. Do a search for Dorktown or Audible Flux and subscribe to the show!
Let them know what ya think in comments or email mike@dorktown.net . You can even call and leave a voicemail (24hours a day) at 559-224-2483 or visit the Dorktown MESSAGE BOARD.

Half Of A Show...Half-Ass

HALF OF A SHOW.mp3 (9:08)
Were you pissed about the last show being so long?
Did you even listen to it? Doesn't matter, this one is easy to
download. Mikie and Becky talk about Fresno heat, the new version
of the Daily Planet, if fresnofamous still listens and what they think
Fresno Famous means. See if you can find where Mikie edits the
show (just after he says that editing Podcasts are lame).

http://www.dorktown.net

Dive Bar Love (Dorktown Podcast 6)

This show is why I love podcasting. If you have ever gone to your local "dive bar", for any reason, you will probably like this show. It's a long one (39:29), but, you get to hear such things as: Fresno "dive bar" history, Bon Jovi Karaoke, bar nudity, girl fights, Square Cal Fun Bar, bathroom sex, KRZR "Front Row" bashing, Checkers Melting Pot, drinking in bars at 6:00 in the morn....ah hell, just download it please.
Dorktown Show Six.mp3


Give host Mikie and Bells some love! Now you can add our show to your iTunes. Do a search for Dorktown or Audible Flux and subscribe to the show!
Let them know what ya think in comments or email mike@dorktown.net . You can even call and leave a voicemail (24hours a day) at 559-224-2483.

*Subscribe to this feed:

Dorktown Show Five Sucks!

This isn't the funniest Podcast ever made but, you know, nobody knows what the hell they're doing here - that's the good and bad of podcasting folks. Mikie's gotta take his podcaster lumps sometimes.

Mikie brings Becky back to talk about fire, yelling a bad bands, left wing radio and regurgitating.
Dorktown Show 5.mp3 Thanks for downloading the show!!

Try to enjoy and let us know what ya think in comments or email mike@dorktown.net . You can even call and leave a voicemail (24hours a day) at 559-224-2483.

*Subscribe to this feed:

Show 4...Enter Bells

His personality begs for his own Podcast but Dorktown Radio's "Mikie" is lucky enough to have Bells on his. Finally, Zohrab makes it into the studio to help Mikie talk about (of all things) Cher, Fresno, The Swiss, beer, Howard Stern, The Golden Penny, System Of A Down and Llamas...yep, Llamas.

Download this: DorkShow4.mp3
**(Warning, Heavy Cussin')


Thanks for listening and if you have anything to say about the show, please send email mike@dorktown.net or call our voicemail at 559-224-2483.

*Subscribe to this feed:

*You can also check out our Wiffleball only Podcast at http://sportsflux.blogspot.com OR at http://www.dorktown.net/radio.html

Less Of A Dorky Show

Have you been thinking about downloading the Dorktown Radio Show but thought it was too big of a file? Your problem is now solved - It's the Dorktown "Mini-Cast".

It's a smaller show but packs in all of the dorkness you've come to expect. "The Or Game" is introduced (Sammy or David Lee Roth?).

Download it now! DorktownMiniShow.mp3



Thanks for listening and if you have something to say about the show, please email me at mike@dorktown.net or call our voicemail at 559-224-2483.

*Subscribe to this feed:

*You can also check out our Wiffleball only Podcast at http://sportsflux.blogspot.com OR at http://www.dorktown.net/radio.html

Dorktown Radio Show #2

Fresno battles it out with "The City" (San Francisco) as, friend of Dorktown, Becky joins host Mikie to discuss some Bay Area and Fresno items.

Download DorktownShow2.mp3



Thanks for listening and if you have something to say about the show, please email me at mike@dorktown.net or call our voicemail at 559-224-2483.

*Subscribe to this feed:

*You can also check out our Wiffleball only Podcast at http://sportsflux.blogspot.com OR at http://www.dorktown.net/radio.html

Dorktown/Audible Flux Podcast #1

We have done it (doesn't matter how half-ass it is), the first Podcast is out there for the whole world to not give a damn.

Download the file: Dorktowncast1.mp3 and listen to the first show. Old friend Aaron Ford is moving away from Fresno and he reminisces about his moves from Fresno, old Fresno schools, jobs and watering holes.

Thanks for listening and if you have something to say about the show, please email me at mike@dorktown.net or call our voicemail at 559-224-2483.

*Subscribe to this feed:

*You can also check out our Wiffleball only Podcast at http://sportsflux.blogspot.com OR at http://www.dorktown.net/radio.html

DUMB BLOG ALERT

BRRAAA BA BRRRAAA, BRRAAA BA BRRRAAA
THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BLOGING SYSTEM – THIS IS ONLY A TEST.

I don’t know about where you live, but here in Fresno, the Emergency Broadcast System test message, that is played over the radio, sounds like hell. It’s if the guy giving the message is calling from a thunderstorm in 1938.

Hasn’t our audio technology advanced enough to make a clear sounding message? Maybe the point is to make it raw sounding to get our attention. The blaring tones at the beginning get my attention enough guys, thanks.

Don’t you wish, one of those times the test message comes on, it is an actual, exciting, emergency and not just a test? Something like “Aliens have landed and are milling about around the Corcoran State Prison area. We think they are from Mars. Charles Manson is interpreting for us - more news to follow.”

THIS HAS BEEN A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BLOGING SYSTEM. IF THIS HAD BEEN AN ACTUAL FUNNY BLOG, LAUGHTER WOULD HAVE ENSUED.

Never Judge A Tweaker By Its Cover

Tweakers friggin scare me. Their jumpy actions, wide eyes and stream of conscience speaking style, drives me a little nuts.

At my job, I work outside a lot and go all over town (Madera, CA.). I work along sidewalks part of the time. The other day, I'm working and a guy comes up who looks to be homeless or just a tweaker. He asks me "Hey man, you work for Blah Blah Blah?" [my company's name is omitted to protect the un-innocent] I say "Yea." The Tweaker inquires "Where can I go to give an application?" I tell him the only way is to go online, submit though there (which IS the only way). He says thanks and moves on.

Now, I don't think we are hiring but, I'm thinking, it's pretty doubtful they're hiring tweakers anyway.

The next day I'm in a total different part of town, at a business that's getting ready to open up. I'm waiting for the manager to get off his phone so I can ask him what he needs from me. I then hear, from behind "Hey man, you work in this part of town too?" It was the tweaker from the day before. I nod and he goes on to say "Yea, I sent my application through your guys' website, don't know if I'll hear back." I say "Man, you never know, good luck dude." He then goes on to talk shop about stuff I don't even know much about.

Tweaker is waiting for the manager too and he talks to him first. I listen in on their conversation and the Tweaker is asking the manager about a job.

Now I feel like an asshole.

This "tweaker" is going all around town, on foot I believe, pounding the pavement, trying to get his unemployed self a job. Here my jerk-ass self was lookin' down on the guy.

I'll never make a snap judgment on a tweaker again. Be annoyed maybe, but judgmental, no.

Thank You Episode I and II

GEEK-BOY OPINION ALERT - PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU CAN'T STAND DORKS WHO TAKE STAR WARS TOO SERIOUSLY.

Everybody has an opinion on them [Star Wars - "Phantom Menace" and "Clone Wars"] and most are bad. It really became almost "cool" to bash Episodes I and II.

The fact is, our imaginations built up those movies so much, there is now way the films could have matched it. Even if you didn't like the first two prequels, you have to recognize their importance.

In EP's I and II, we see Senator Palpatine's "friendship" with Anakin grow, Anakin's problems with the "Jedi Way" and Ani's love for Padame. Without that, Episode III couldn't have worked. It still would have been cool but you wouldn't believe that Anakin would have turned to the Dark Side so quickly.

Now that most S.W. fans have seen the new and final flick "Revenge Of The Sith", it is "cool" to praise the Star Wars francaise again. The movie IS pretty damn good. Even mild fans agree. But "Sith" is good due, in large part, to the groundworked layed out in Episode I and II.

GEEK-BOY ALERT NOW OVER.

Don't Let Greenlight Go Out!

What have I done? Sweet Jesus...What have I done? My bad Mojo may have killed one of my favorite TV shows.

I have been supporting the third season of Project Greenlight(at the moment, on the Bravo network)as much as I can. Tivoing every episode,writing about how great a season it's been. Every show was more interesting than the next.

Through some great show editing, they managed to find a person to dislike almost every episode. One episode it was the Director, then the Studio Head, then the Casting Director, the Director of Photography, the Line Producer, the spoiled actress and so on.

It was a fun season to watch. Unfortunately, it could be the last. A morbid statement from show Executive Producer Chris Moore, makes it look like this could be the end:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Thank You"
Episode 9

Last night was probably the last new episode of Project Greenlight ever. I am sorry to be reporting this here, but anyone reading this blog is a devoted and loyal Project Greenlight fan. You have been loyal and vocal and true fans of what we have tried to do, so I want you all to know the truth first. Although the movie FEAST awaits release, the ratings of this year's Project Greenlight show will not warrant bringing the show back. It is possible that Dimension will do the movie again, which could mean there is a contest again next year. However, my gut is telling me that without the whole three-headed monster of the TV show, contest and film, there is little chance of Project Greenlight continuing

-Chris Moore

For what it's worth, I hope the show can somehow comeback (I still haven't submited a script in to get rejected). If you want to do something, you can click this link: Online Petition and sign the petition to save PGL!! It really is the best reality show out there.

Since I seem to give bad Mojo to my favorite shows, maybe I should watch some bad shows and give that bad stuff to them. What time is "Extreme Makeover" on?

Resting On My Lack Of Laurels

Writing a Blog is goofy. Especially when you have one as random as mine.

Some people have the serious kind of Blog. Such as, political, news and information, Britney and Kevin happenings, porn - you know, important stuff.

Then there are the ones that report on things like how solid their cat's bowel movements are. Mine falls somewhere in the middle (hopefully not between porn and cat shit).

What the hell is the point of this blog anyway? Nobody's paying me to write, very little acclaim comes around (what's to acclaim really?). Yes, "bloggers" do get a lot of chicks (nothings hotter than a guy writing about Big Wheels and Wiffleball), but I'm married so what good does that do me?

You know, I've got a lot of other things I could spend my downtime doing. My virtual Oakland A's season on MVP 2005 (Sony PS2) is way behind the real A's season. Plus there is a really bad screenplay I'm working on (I've completed a whole SIX PAGES people) that I need to get to.

Also, I get these uneasy, egotistical feelings about keeping the blog around because I think to myself "Nobody wants to hear what some hack writer thinks about Star Wars and The Foo Fighters." But I still feel an obligation to keep writing. I don't know who it is I feel obligated to either - I just do.

But I guess I'll keep writing - what the hell huh? Right now though, I need to stop. I've got page seven of a goofy screenplay to start on, right after I get the A's back to first place.

That's MY Table "Churchie"

What is it with going out to breakfast on Sunday's? Whatever town you're in, I'll bet the good breakfast places are packed on Sunday mornings. On days like Mother's Day, forget about it.

Breakfast places get a nice mix of just-out-of-church, just-woke-up-and-didn't-want-to-make-breakfast, and still-out-from-the-night-before. The one thing all of these groups have in common is waiting for a table.

You're hungry as hell, because you haven't eaten since about seven the night before, and now you gotta wait a half-hour just to sit down. There is little else to do but to start staring at people who have already got their food. (What, you expect me to TALK to the people I'm with?)

The people to hate the most are the ones who have eaten, got their checks and are still sitting around talking. There are gangs of people waiting for tables but these 'table elitist' just sit there jabering on about how they need to go to Home Depot after this and pick up spool for their Weedeater.

The group that is worse is the decided-to-have-a-big-Church or birthday or Mother's Day gathering. Couldn't have done it at somebody's house, had to do it now, seemingly, just to delay you from getting your 'short stack' with wheat toast, when you wanted.

Another group to watch are the others waiting for tables. You do an inventory of the groups, thinking to yourself "Okay, they were here before us and they're still waiting, so they haven't called us yet." Another group comes in after you boasting to their party "We should be next." And you are thinking "Like hell you are. We've been here a whole two minutes longer than you, we've put in our time, candy-ass!"

Finally, that glorious moment comes when you get to sit down. You take a quick look at the people still waiting, as if to say "So long sucka's."

Then, you take way too long eating, open gifts you should have opened at home and smirk at the groups that are still waiting, as you talk about your latest trip to Home Depot.

I'm STILL The Idiot

Since I haven't been fired up enough to write about anything lately, I decided to recycle a post from last year. Lazy? Yes. But hey, nobody's paying me to write this junk and sometimes a post you did some real work on gets lost.

Hell, I stayed up all night putting together this one:
---------------

If you were on United Flight 6054 from Kauai to LAX last Friday night, I'm the ass-hole who kept his overhead light on the whole damn flight. I don't think the poor dude next to me got a damn bit of sleep.

Let me explain. This was a five hour "red-eye" flight. So most people, the sane ones anyway, fully plan to sleep most of the flight. They take some PM pills and/or have a drink or just actually close their eyes and fall asleep. Now I did have a drink but it didn't really matter. I just can't sleep sitting up in a chair. Maybe for like thirty seconds but that is about it.

TIMELINE 8:30 PM
I am on the plane and have found my seat. I am flying with my wife and friends (Mahalooo guys) but I am sitting next to none of them due to a overbooked flight. I've got the isle (the isle is best for me since I have a pea sized bladder) and the seats next to me and across the isle from me haven't been taken yet. The people next to you can make or break a flight.
The worst is the crying baby or brat kid that have parents that don't realize or care that their kid is a brat.

Who am I gonna get? Nice, it's a couple about my age, they ought to leave me alone, which is what we all want really...Yes? But who will be in the isle next to me?....Oh how nice, it's a bonus, a German speaking women who has, yes you guessed it, a baby and a little kid. The question is, are they brats? Actually they seem fine so far. So I get settled in for a nice five hour plus flight.

TIMELINE 9:10 PM
We are shooting through the air, over the vast Pacific Ocean. The movie is about to start (Shrek 2, very solid - for in-flight movie) and I do a quick lavatory run to empty out the aforementioned pea sized bladder. I catch a glimpse of the Wife already passed out and my friends still up and ready to watch Shrek2. About three quarters of the plane is still up.

TIMELINE 11:30 PM
The movie is over and the captain has turned off the interior lights so that people can start sleeping (again, normal people anyway). There are about a dozen overhead lights on now, mine being one of them. I'm reading now but I want to start writing stuff but I keep thinking the guy next to me will try and read what I'm writing. I don't know why I am thinking this-As if this guy gives a shit about what I'm writing. I am mostly just afraid he'll look over and think what a dumb-ass I am for writing about being on a red-eye flight.

TIMELINE 12:45 PM
The baby across the isle has finally started to cry. I think I am the only one that is not bothered by this since I am the only fool in the area with his light on. There are actually twelve lights currently on in the entire plane.

TIMELINE 1:15 AM ( 4:15 LA time)
Out of approximately 300 people, I am now the only one with his light on. Yep I am the only loser who isn't trying to sleep. I'm still worried the guy next to me is looking at my writing even though he has his head buried in his hands-probably thinking "I wish this jack-ass would turn off his fuckin light."

TIMELINE 4:55 AM (now switched to LA time)
The Captain has announced that we are getting ready to land and everybody needs to wake the hell up. I'm the only person to have kept his light on the whole flight. I don't know if I should feel proud or stupid.

In the end, I'm not sure why I decided to write about sitting through a red-eye flight being the only person who tried to stay awake. Writing practice? Pass the time? To just piss off the guy next to me?

Nah, probably just to be an idiot.

ROCK FLUX

It's about time that I put my limited knowledge and half-baked opinions of music to work - by reviewing song new rock songs.

"The Best Of You" - Foo Fighters
This song gets better every time I hear it. The problem is, Dave Grohl has been talkin' up the new album saying its very 'hard'- This song isn't. "Best" is a good song that doesn't live up to Foo Hype.

"Little Sister" - Queens Of The Stone Age
A good song the first forty times a heard it, after that...Eh.

"Beverly Hills" - Weezer
In a word...Disappointment. Fun song the first couple of times through but it grows old quick. I can't tell if the song is making fun of or loving Beverly Hills, which annoys me - Weezer should be spoofing B.H.

Plus, the video is set at the PLAYBOY MANSION and all the director does is get a group of people clapping as they sit around The Weez playing - Lame.

"Be Yourself" - Audioslave
Way too radio friendly and safe for musicians of their ilk. Especially for a hard rock band's first release. A nice song from a band that shouldn't play nice.

"Happy" - Mudvayne
This is the kind of song that good metal bands produce. Reigned in just enough to get radio play but still hard. This song gives Mudvayne a chance to become a very relevant band in the rock scene.

The Fastest Hour In Television

Do you like movies? Ya like the TV shows? Do you like to hate people? Hear and see old guys yell? See people get pissed off at each other one hour, then hug the next? Do you like seeing chubby men take a bath?

THEN WHY IN THE HELL AREN'T YOU WATCHING "PROJECT GREENLIGHT"?

Project Greenlight (now in it's third season, on it's new network "Bravo" [Thursday nights]), is a reality show that brings a beginning writer/s and director together to try and make a low-budget indi' movie. The wanna-be's get a studio backing but have little money to work with. (If they gave them a lot of money, the show wouldn't be as dramatic)

This season (the third)has been "dramatic" as hell. Fighting, people being fired, the director being almost fired (twice), the writers already getting an assignment for another movie before production started on their PGL script ("Feast") and the season is only half over. All this while pseudo brothers Matt Damon and Ben Affleck executive produce from afar.

A couple episodes ago, a big brewhaha-hahaha-ha happened when a casting director (Michelle Gertz) appeared to go behind some backs to get an actress cast that the director [John Gulager] didn't want. Message boards and Blogs jumped all over Michelle (me being one of the biggest jumpers) calling her everything in the book (I said don't trust her or hire her - What the hell do I know?).

Turns out that it was more about dramatic editing than Michelle being a bad casting director. Executive Producer Chris Moore (who has been fun to watch every season) recently wrote his own blog in defense of Michelle:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Defense of Michelle Gertz
Episode 6

For today's BLOG I am going to write about Michelle Gertz. Michelle is getting killed on the show because John wanted her only to cater to him. As an executive producer of both the movie and the show we had to make some hard decisions on how Michelle came across. It was John's point of view, not mine, the producers or the studio that ultimately made it to air. We all love Michelle and would work with her again. John revealed early on that he wanted to cast his family in the movie and that marketability did not matter to him. The studio, Dimension, and I gave Michelle clear directives to keep us posted and to not allow John to control the information getting to us. We also asked her to look out for the marketing of the movie. Finally, and most importantly, we asked her to give us her opinion, even when it differed from John's.

Unfortunately, you didn't get to see any of this in the show, mostly because none of it happened while the cameras were around. I want everyone to know that Michelle did her job and saved the movie from absolute failure by going around John when she did. I have worked with her many times and in different situations she plays her role perfectly. She is always respectful and works well with directors. Project Greenlight is different because it is a contest winner not a director at the beginning. John became a director but during the casting process he was still acting like a contest winner. Michelle saved him and us from that. Please stop the anger and diatribes toward her. She is a sweet, smart, strong, fun to work with casting director and it makes me sad that Project Greenlight is doing anything but helping her. I would work with her again. Sometimes for dramatic purposes or because there is not enough time, the show only gives a quick view of something that is far more complicated than it appears on the show.
-Chris Moore
(courtesy of bravotv.com)

Ya see people, drama. It's real drama too, not that goofy kind like on American Idol (those people suck this year, don't they?)

So start watching already - Then you could know what the hell I'm talking about when I say "Watch a chubby man take a bath."

Where Hollywood's Real Power Is

If you were sitting around the other day, thinking about the most powerful people in reality television (why you would, I don't know, but I have), the first person that would pop into your head might not be the show's editor, but it should be.

A couple of weeks ago, on the Bravo reality show "Project Greenlight" (a contest to give unknown Writers and Directors a chance to make a real movie, in this case "Feast"), Michelle Gertz (Casting Director for the film "Feast") found out how powerful an editor of a reality show can be.

Michelle and the Director [John Gularger]had been working to cast the film and got to the role of Heroin. A finalist for that role was the actress Navi Rawat. John had been shown, in interviews and clips, to not like Navi for the part. The show's Producers [Joel Soisson and Mike Leahy] also seemed to agree she wasn't right. Michelle was shown to be a big fan of Navi and really pushing for Navi to win the role.

The studio decides to go with Navi for the role. The Director and Producers are a bit stunned, thinking she wasn't really still around to be picked. Then, through the shows editing, Michelle is shown on the phone with Navi's agent and Navi, looking as if she is friends with Navi, celebrating her getting the part.

In the end it looked as if Michelle quietly got the studio to pick Navi, behind Gulager's, Soisson's and Leahy's back. (Director's and Producers wouldn't exactly be able to trust a Casting Director if they knew they behaved like that.)

The show's viewer is at the mercy of the editor. If that's all they are going to show, that's all we are going to know (that was lame...sorry). Maybe Gertz did nothing behind their backs. She just went to the Studio with all of the names for Heroin and they happened to like Navi.

But why would the editor show that? That's not a "powerful" show. Powerfully boring maybe.

Softball Is For Posers

I admit it, I play Wiffleball. Go ahead and laugh but you're probably just jealous.

What's that you say? You can't be jealous because you don't know what Wiffleball is? Well, you're not the only one with questions about Wiffleball. When I'm having a conversation with someone and they find out I play Wiffleball, I get many questions. Well, Okay, not many questions but there are a few, such as:

-You play what now?
-Is that the ball with the holes?
-Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha, ya right...wait, you're serious?
-Hey, my five year old and I play that.
-Huh?
-Wiffleball, that's cool. (No idea what Wiffleball is.)

Actually the most common reaction I get is a polite smile and head nod. But I just know that they're thinking "I knew he was a dork but ,WOW, I had no idea".

Okay, I'll concede that an adult playing Wiffleball is a bit on the geek side, but it shouldn't be considered any worse than playing Softball.

Like Softball, Wiffleball is just a modified version of Baseball. But Wiffleball has the element of pitching that Softball (well slow pitch anyway) doesn't have. In Wiffleball, you have all of the types of pitches that Baseball has plus a couple extra ( the "Cadiwampus" is very popular). Softball just has the Toss-it-up-there-so-the-girl-from-Service-Deli-can-hit-it and the Huck-the-holy-hell-out-of-it under-arm pitch.

Softball does have the fact that the ball is close to being hard as a baseball and you need an aluminum bat, like college Baseball (ohhh yes, aluminum bats in college Baseball, I smell another column). Also, your not going to get hurt with a Wiffleball like you could a Softball. Although if you've been hit square in the 'junk' with a Wiffleball ,like most of us have, you wouldn't say that!

A major stumbling block for making Wiffleball considered a less dorky sport is the whole "played it as a kid and then I discovered there are these strange creatures called girls" thing.

Now that I have managed to fool a girl into marrying me, the fact that Wiffleball is considered a kids game, to me, is one of it's selling points. Every time we play I get a little flashback of when I played as a ten year old. Summer days of going from morning till dinner, no matter how damn hot it got (by the way, an August Fresno day feels like Heatmiser himself is lurking about). Threre are some moments, while playing, when it feels like no time has passed at all.

I hope that one day Wiffleball can break out of that kid/geek stigma and become a more respectable sport (yea, you know, like Bowling or Dodgeball). I will be waiting with ball and Banana Bat in hand.

Now are you jealous?


*Check out my Forum and sign up:Message Forum!
*Also check out my Wiffleball League Website:FWL

I'm Goin' Ta Hell

Is it wrong that the first thing I thought of when I saw this picture was the "Bring Out Your Dead" scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"?

Yep, I'm going hell for sure now.

*If you want to tell me off, go to my Message Forum!

FORUM STILL WAITS...AND WAITS

Yes, the new FORUM is in full force but has yet to catch on. I think the lack of posting messages in the forum is because people don't want to look like "geeks" or maybe they have something "better to do" or actually have a "life".

Yea, I get it. You don't have "time" to post about Star Wars or the A's pitching staff, when Britney Spears is going to pose nude for Playboy, how good the MVP 2005 is, or even talk Wiffleball.

Shame on you for having a "life".

Well I don't have a life so come with me to post in the Audible Flux/FWL FORUM. A new writers section has been started so if you write blogs or write anything, come on in.

If you are a writer who doesn't want to talk about writing and just wants to talk about Wookiees, we got that for you too!

MESSAGE FORUM

Road Raged

"Move your fuckin' new Cadi' ya son-of-a-bitch!" That's what I told the guy in front of me at the Shaw-n-Van Ness Citibank drive-thru ATM (actually, I just said it to myself but I'm sure the dude was getin' the 'vibe' I was throwin'). This guy was driving a brand new Cadillac somethin'-er-another and he was taking to damn long at the ATM.

[Don't ya just hate it when people decide to do a year's worth of banking...at the ATM?!]

I really wasn't pissed at the Cadi-man, it's just fun to get pissed at somebody who's driving a nicer car than yours. That's really how I define my road-rage; what kind of car the person is driving.

It's less about the other driver's egregious traffic error and more about the person who did it and how snobish their car is.

So if somebody is driving a grossly oversized SUV or a Porsche and they are from say sixteen to sixty years old and don't look like they can kick my ass, they are getting a tongue lashing; something like, "Hey ya Son-of-a-cock-fucker!"

Now, if the person is driving a midsized or a pick-up, maybe something cool but not self-important, I'm a little more willing to let driving errors slide. It's not as fun to cuss out a like-car-owner - they might be a cool person who just 'spaced' for a second.

There is no way somebody in some arrogant-ass car is a 'cool person' or just 'spaced'; they're just a cock-fucker...right?

AUDIBLE FLUX CREATES USELESS FORUM!!

Well I hope this new FLUX FORUM won't be useless. I have created [Well I didn't exactly 'create', I just signed up] a new FORUM for this blog.

Please feel free to go there and discuss anything that's going on, what I've been writing about, how I suck or post a picture of you're ex. nude.

Go check the shat out, become a member and start posting now, by clicking AUDIBLE FLUX FORUM

LITTLE VADER BABIES

I have a love hate relationship with movie trailers. I always enjoy watching them but hate it when they reveal too much. The new Star Wars trailer personifies this love hate.

I know I shouldn't but I can't not watch the new Episode III trailer. It's so bad-ass but It makes me so pissed because it gives the whole movie away. Yes, I already know what basically happens but the trailer really spells it out.

The trailer does do it's job though - I can't wait to see the friggin movie. If you want to see the trailer go ahead and click HERE!

But if you don't like spoilers, I suggest you don't. So so damn discipline, unlike me.

Writing Is Stupid

I constantly feel guilty when I'm not writing. I don't know if it's because I'm Catholic or I should really just feel guilty. Before I started writing (trying to anyway) I didn't feel guilty all the time - Or did I?

There is always something else I should be doing. Like visiting my grandma or going to the dentist or cleaning the garage. Death, taxes and GUILT, should be the saying.

Even when I'm working hard, having a root canal, taking a drive with my grandma, I'm thinking how my house needs a new roof and the bathroom needs new tile.

The good and bad thing about writing is, you feel like you're accomplishing something, (even when you aren't) so the voices-of-guilt quite down briefly.
Except that now I'm thinking I should be working on my screenplay and not writing a dopey blog.

It's a vicious cycle...I've gotta go and call my grandma now.

Oscar Flux

Here is a rundown of Audible Flux's Oscar picks (the bigins anyway). These are what I thought Oscar voters would choose, not what I would choose (if I had a vote, there would be way too many comic book inspired picks...WAY too many).

CINEMATOGRAPHY: I chose Robert Richardson for The Aviator--W.
EDITING: The Avitor wins and I picked Avitator--W.
SOUND MIXING: Ray takes it but I chose The Aviator--L. (I chose Ray first...really!)
COSTUME DESIGN: I took The Aviator and I chose wisely agian--W.
ANIMATED FEATURE: I wanted The Incredibles and so did the Oscar voters--W.
ORIGINAL SONG: "Learn To Be Lonely" is what I chose but they chose "Al Orto Lado"--L.
VISUAL EFFECTS: We both chose Spiderman2, finally my geek-boyness pays off--W.
SCREENPLAY (ORIGINAL): Again, the voters and I are the same: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Charlie Kaufman is a Genius!--W.
SCREENPLAY (ADAPTATION): I wanted Sideways but Chose Million Dollar Baby. Voters chose Sideways..Doh--L.
SUPPORTING ACTOR: At the last minute I changed from Morgan to Hayden Church--dumb move, they picked Morgan Freeman--L.
SUPPORTING ACTESS: Cate Blanchett takes Oscar just as I thought--W.
ACTOR: Big suprise, we both chose Jamie Fox--W.
ACTRESS: Hilary Swank is what Oscar voted for and what I picked (would've liked Kate to win though)--W.
DIRECTOR: I thought they might finally throw Martin a bone but Clint gets the bone--W.
BEST PICTURE: Million Dollar Baby...baby--W.

AUDIBLE FLUX'S RECORD: 11-4. If I only would've gone to Vegas and picked the right one for a parlay. I did get a "Heat" special edition DVD out of it though--thanks Trent, I'm waiting at my mailbox right now.

Pay Me No Mind

Crap crap crap, I am just spinin' my wheels.
Crap crap crap, can't write something meaningful.
Crap crap crap, this is just being lazy.
Crap crap crap, just good at writing a load of nothing.
Crap crap crap, do I really not have enough time?
Crap crap crap, always feel like I should be writing something else, something that isn't CRAP!

A Geeky Scene

Yet another draft of the scene I posted from a short I'm trying to write "Ready Eddie". It's now back to being called "Geek" and is still creating way to much work, for very little results. Please feel free to leave me some comments, GOOD AND BAD, so I can then go back and waste more time on it.

FADE IN:


INT. ED'S GUEST ROOM

Two guys, ED (a hip-geek in his twenties) and his friend SAM,
are looking at Ed's walls which are filled with comics and
action figures (all still in their original boxes).

SAM
This has to be the dorkiest room on
the west coast.

ED
Come on, you have action figures.

SAM
Had, had them when I was eleven.

Sam takes a hard look at a Star Wars action figure of Natalie
Portman.

SAM
You do realize that it won't be
long till Val makes you take this
shit down?

ED
No she won't. When she moved in, I
told her she could do whatever with
the house, just as long as I had my
room still. She was fine with that.

SAM
Dude, just give her time.

ED
She's not like that.

SAM
They're all like that. And once
you give in and she has control of
the house, then, soon after, she
will get control of you.

Ed rolls his eyes at Sam.

SAM
I'm serious, it will happen. I
speak from experience.

ED
Yea, you are pretty whipped.

SAM
Maybe so, but it's not too late for
you. You can still stop it, keep
control.

ED
I'm not worried.

SAM
(in a Yoda voice)
You will be.

Zero Miles To The Gallon

Not that any of you regular readers need reminding but I am a big geek. Comics, movies, sports, the list goes on and on. Even with normal things I can find a geeky angle. I have the "geek gene".

So in keeping with that, I came across a video clip (courtesy of a poster on the ViewAskew message board) of the Batmobile roaming around town and being filmed for the upcoming Batman Begins movie.
It's a home movie from a couple guys standing around watching the filming.

Click here:batman.mov and check it out. Give it a few minutes to download.

You have now filled your "geek quota" for the day.

SpongeBob SquareChristian

The recent crazy-nuts-insane claims, by conservative Christian groups, that SpongeBob SquarePants is promoting "gayness" to children, has got me thinking about the " gay danger" that is all around in cartoons and their characters.

I'm thinking that there are some other, dangerous to children, cartoon charters out there. Number one on that list....ELMER FUDD.

Yes that's right, Elmer. He is never with a woman, he sounds gay because he can't pronounce his R's (Wasskely Wabbit and Wabbit Twacks, to name a few) and when he goes out "huntin' Wabbit", do you think he really wants to shoot a rabbit? No. He wants a male-cross-dressing rabbit to "hook-up" with.

The only time you see Elmer get aroused (or awousd) is when Bugs has lipstick, a wig and a dress on. When Bugs takes off his get-up and reveals himself, Elmer acts surprised but he is always a little pissed too. I think because he knows it's Bugs the whole time and is wanting Bugs to take the "game" a little further.

After the groups take on SpongeBob and Elmer, I've got another cartoon couple to take a good look at: Shaggy and Scooby. I think Shag spends a little too much time with Scoob, if ya know what a mean.

Are you READY for this? (second draft)

In my spare time, I do some screenwriting (along with a trillion other people) so I thought I would start posting a scene or two and see if I can get some feedback from anybody...that means you anybody.

This is the set-up for a short I've written entitled "Ready Eddie". It's about a dork named ED who, for the first time, is having a girlfriend, VAL, move in with him. I'm using the word "ready" as some sort of a gimmic in this scene. It begins with Val and Ed's friends debating if the two of them should be moving in together:

INT. PATI'S BACKYARD - DAY
VAL, girl next door type, 21 years old, is laying in a lounge chair by a pool with her friend PATI. Pati's eight year old boy TEDDY is on the diving board.

PATI
NO WAY are you ready to move in.
VAL
I am too ready.
TEDDY
Mom are you ready to watch me dive?
PATI
Yes honey.

Teddy leaps off the diving board as Pati only watches for a second then focuses her attention back on Val.

PATI
Does Ed seem ready?

Val ponders this question.

VAL
Yea. He's ready...

EXT. ED'S BACKYARD - DAY
Three GUYS in their twenties are playing Wiffleball. ED, (a stylized geek) DAVE and SAM.
Ed is at home plate holding a bat. Dave is pitching. Sam is hanging out watching the guys play.

SAM
...You're not ready Ed.
ED
It's not like we're getting married. It's just moving in together.
SAM
Wow. Just moving in huh? You're definitely not ready.

Dave pitches to Ed and throws the ball into the dirt. Ed takes a big swing and misses.

ED
Look, there comes a point when you just have to go ahead and do it. Find out what it will be like. For gods sake Sam, you should know what the hell I'm talking about, you're fucking married.
SAM
Hey, fucking and married have nothing to do with one another.

Ed has stopped waiting for Dave's next pitch and is standing with his bat resting on his shoulder, looking at Sam.
Dave throws a pitch by Ed, right down-the-middle.

DAVE
Strike two.
ED
Speaking of fucking: Have you and that Alex chick done it yet Dave?

Dave winds up and hurls the Wiffleball directly at Ed. Ed "bails out" but the ball still hits him in the head.

Ed lies on the ground rubbing his forehead.

ED
I wasn't ready for that.

• I know there isn't much to work with but if you have any comments, good or bad, please feel free to leave me some. I don't care if you know nothing about screenwriting. Don't be nice about it if you see a problem. I'm trying to use this as a motivational tool to get more writing done. Thanks!

DONATE, YA CHEAP BASTARDS!

If you have been thinking about donating to the Tsunami relief effort but have been to lazy to do it, here is your chance. Just click the Red Cross Link to donate online.

If you go and donate then maybe it will help stop you from feeling guilty about buying all of those comic books over the weekend. Oh no wait, that was ahhh...that was just me...nevermind.

DONATE NOW BIZNITCH!
(If ya think about it, I would like to here from you [in comments]if you used the above link to make a donation. It will make me feel all warm and fuzzy-tingle like.)

The Big Wheeling Seventies

It’s inevitable that every Christmas, while wrapping gifts or tearing them open, you reminisce about gifts you got as a child. This year, for me, it was the Big Wheel.

The Big Wheel was an orange, red and I want to say…blue, plastic tricycle. It was the first “vehicle” that I owned. My first little bit of freedom, a cool way to go down the sidewalk. Not like the lame, bike with training wheels or holding your mommies hand way.

The best part was skidding. You get up a full head of steam, pick a driveway of somebody you didn’t like, and slam that front wheel sideways as hard as you can. If you left a nice black mark and got the old man in the house to glare at you from his front window, you’ve done your job.

I thought I was pretty damn cool with my Big Wheel—but then came the Green Machine. It was bigger and had a hand brake and well…it was green. It seemed like the most expensive piece of equipment ever engineered.

It was the bike for the “elite” neighborhood kid, who was better known as the asshole or “poop-head” of the block. Or the kid compensating for a small penis even though he didn’t know about the whole big penis envy thing yet. It’s now called “Humvieitis”.

Even after I learned how to ride a bike, I still rode my Big Wheel more often times than not. One of the last memories I have of my Big Wheeler was riding it when I was probably fifty pounds over the recommended weight for a rider. So basically it was last year.

I guess I would say that the Big Wheel was the greatest toy of the seventies, if not OF ALL TIME! Wait, Electric Football came out then didn’t it?

IT'S A DEMOCRATIC CHRISTMAS

Have you ever wondered, (when holiday shopping in Target, buying socks from grandma and a new Playstation game for yourself) "What political party does this Target donate to the most?"

What's that? You haven't? Yea me neither. But if you are curious, go to choosetheblue.com .
There you can find out if your favorite store, car maker, utility company, porn producer or even restaurant, contributes to your party more than the other.

I do warn you though, you may become very disappointed to find out that some of your favorite places donate to the wrong party. Like, I found out that Taco Bell donates 83% to the Republican Party. So now I guess I'm going to have to get people to buy me my Taco Bell. Would that still count?

Sonic Drive-in donates 100% to the Democratic Party though. Think there is any chance Sonic will start making Gordita Crunches?

Is Santa Outsourcing Jobs?

Zogby International did a pole involving what political party people think the Grinch, Santa and Ebenezer Scrooge are in. Here is what they thought:

Ebenezer Scrooge.........Republican. That one is obvious--an old white guy with lots of money. But what is he after he changes into nice and giving Ebenezer on Christmas morning. A flip-flopping damn liberal that's what!

Santa Claus.......Democrat. Okay, I get it. He is a giving guy, no matter if you are poor or not. But he does run a monopoly type business. And I don't know how much he is paying those elves but I get the sense that it's next to nothing. At least he isn't outsourcing work overseas...or is he? I called the 1-800 Santa customer service center the other day and I got an "elf" that called himself "Steve" but had a real think Indian accent.

The Grinch......Republican. This just shows how two-party-happy we are. It's so obvious he is a Libertarian. He's got that "Everybody do what they want but be quiet about it and just leave me the fuck alone!" thing down.


*Check out the full details of the poll here.

SOMEBODY GIVE ME A RIDE TO AA!

This is a message that was on my machine last weekend. Keep in mind I don't know this person or George and my number is stated on my out going message:

1:00 a.m.(Slurring)
"Georgie, it's Cheryl. Give me a call back at the number you see across your phone or just come pick me up....or just come down or do something god-dammit....now...bye."

Okay, so 'Cheryl' is drunk, needs a ride home from George and called the wrong number; no big deal right?
THIS IS LIKE THE FIFTEENTH TIME SHE HAS CALLED MY HOUSE FOR GEORGE, OVER MANY MONTHS.

It's always late and she is always looking for George and she always sounds drunk. The times I've talked to her, I just say you have the wrong number. At first I didn't think she had the wrong number. I just thought this George guy met Cheryl at a bar and gave my number to her as a fake. But now I just think George's number is really close to mine and Cheryl's drunk ass can't dial correctly.

The best calls are when she has called earlier asking for a ride and then calls back at 4:00 a.m. pissed off at George because he hasn't shown up. Poor old George doesn't even know she has called. I just wonder what she says to George the next day, "Hey ass-hole, why didn't you pick me up last night?" George says "I didn't get any calls last night." Cheryl replies "Bullshit, you were screening last night."

I figure this Georgie guy must be her brother because I don't know any guy who would be letting his girlfriend go drinking without him, every weekend, and then come pick her stumbling booze hound ass up.

Maybe one night, I'll pick up the phone and pretend I'm George, ask where she is at, and come pick her up.
I'll bet George would really appreciate it. And Cheryl will have a story to tell when she enters AA.

FASTBALLS ARE FASCIST

I first thought about fascism when I saw the movie "Bull Durham". Crash Davis said that fastballs are "Boring and besides that they're fascist." I wasn't absolutely sure what fascism was, I just thought it had something to do with politics and telling everybody 'This is how it is, you have no choice in the matter.'

Now, you would think I learned about fascism in high school or something but I was to preoccupied with worrying that, at any moment, I might have to get up in front of the class while I still had a boner.

So with all of my worry over 'random wood', I think I missed the fascism lesson. So now I have found --thanks to Trent (still somehow single ladies). Email me and I will send you his picture-- a great piece on how we (America) have become a fascist country. No matter what your political view, read it with an open mind by clicking HERE!

Did you read it? No? Ahhh, come on, you can't look at porn 24/7. Take just a minute and learn something. Okay, if you read the fascism PDF, you can take a look at these two hot porn stars here!

AUDIBLE FLUX TALKS TO HOWARD STERN

Well, I kinda talked to Howard. But as it turns out, I am one of the last.

Being the geek that I am, I go on a few web-site message boards. My favorites are http://www.viewaskew.com (Kevin Smith's) and http://www.howardstern.com . Every once in a while, Howard and Kevin will go on the boards and answer some stuff and talk to people.

The other night Howard got online (the message board's front page will tell you who is online) at the same time I was. He was on-line to check if people had questions for him to address, during his Letterman appearance, about his move to satellite radio.

I quickly wrote something out that I was wondering about and that I thought he would answer. And to my amazement, he replied to my message. Here it is: (I'm wifflefresno...duh)
Howard Stern
The Howard Stern Show

Reply Options

Yesterday, 5:16:53 PM

Quote
Originally Posted by wifflefresno
When you are on Letterman (if you aren't goin to already) lets us in on what your sirius channel will have. Will you keep replaying that day's show on the channel so you can hear it if you can't listen live?

GREAT SHOW HOWIE AND GOOD LUCK!

Howard Stern
I am developing the three channels...the channel I am on will repeat my show (not sure how many times) and have other original programming...I am so anxious to get it all going.. it is so the future...I have Sirius on in my apartment 24/7 and the thing fucking rocks...lots of great stuff...cool listening to the jet game and watching the scores roll across...that technology will be put to good use...


The King Of All Media talking with the King Of All Geeks. What a country...a dorky, sick, perverted, run by Christian families country, but a country none the less.

UPDATE:
Howard's board has now been shut off. If you have ever been on there, you can kinda see why (some poster's got pretty twisted). But I think it might of got shut down because Howard just didn't want to deal with the shear volume of people on there.

Too many people on the website; I wish I had that problem...(sigh, tear).

METAL AND MOSH, LIKE P. B. AND JELLY

A mosh pit can be a beautiful thing; whether you are in it or not.

I was recently at a KORN/CHEVELLE concert. It was a general admission show which is increasingly rare nowadays, given all the mayhem, injuries and even death they can cause.

If you are at a G.A. show and the band is at all hard rock or metal, a pit or two will always break out. When I was in my concert going hey-day, pits were a big thing. I always thought that pits would kinda be a passing concert fad. But Fresno Korn/Chevelle fans showed me that pits are alive and well.

I went to the concert with my friend Aaron. We are too old to be getting in pits anymore. But due to our late arrival to the show (pre-concert drinking) they wouldn't let us down on the floor anyway. I guess our old 90's concert reps preceded us.

With the floor being too full, we were forced to the second level on the side of the stage. Terrible spot to hear the show but it's a great vantage point for watching the crowd.

Mosh pits had already been happening prior to Korn, but once the boys hit the stage--it was on! The crowd was immediately at fever pitch. Several 'pits' were in full swing and the rest of the crowd was in full metal moshing mode.

It really is an amazing sight. A flood of people, looking like ants after their nest has been disrupted. It made me long for being in the mosh pit.

You may think that mosh pits just consist of big dudes just looking to flatten people. And though there are a couple of those guys, most moshers are just looking to have a good time. There is even a etiquette in 'the pit'. Even when somebody gets knocked down, somebody else picks them up and nobody trys to step on them. And much of the time, a good hit is followed by hugs at the songs end.

Maybe one day, even in my older age and small stature, I'll try getting in a pit again. Just so I can feel, even for just a night, like a young, beautiful, ant-metal-head at fever pitch.

VADER LIVES!

When you are a 'geek', 'fanboy', 'madchild' like myself, you worry about different things than most people.

When I first learned that George Lucas was going to film the first three movies of the Star Wars series, or the "prequels", this is what I worried about; Is James Earl Jones (voice of Darth Vader)going to live long enough to make it to the last movie, where his voice will be needed?

I didn't think about if his family will miss him or that the acting community will be losing a great talent, I thought; "That would really FUCK UP Star Wars III (now titled "Revenge Of The Sith")." Well I no longer have to worry because James Earl is still around and 'Revenge' is "in the can".

"Revenge of the Sith" will feature how Anikian Skywalker "dies" and resurrects himself as Darth Vader. I have been waiting to see this ever since Luke was told --a long time ago in a galaxy far far away -- that Vader "killed" his father.

Below is a link to the latest trailer for Episode III. If you are a Star Wars fan and this trailer doesn't get friggin hyped as hell, well then aaahh, I guess you are not a Star Wars fan.
PUNCH IT CHEWIE

Give it a few to download and then come back and tell me what you think in the comments.

Don't Blame Me, Blame Kevin Smith

If anybody, unrelated to me, reads this blog on a regular basis -- What is wrong with you? There must be better ways to waste your time. Maybe re-setting your automatic sprinkler timer or something.

And if you actually enjoy my writing (or don't enjoy -- more likely) you have Kevin Smith to blame.

I only got interested in writing, mostly, because of Kevin. I really connected with his writing (screenwriting and comic book). I also thought it was really cool how he would use his friends in all his movies (wink wink Derek).

So one day, I got fired up and started writing unfinished screenplay's, lame blogs, and various stalkerish letters. I have only looked back like a couple dozen times since.

Speaking of Kevin Smith, here is a link to some really funny PSA's on registering and voting, that Kevin directed. They played on Comedy Central. If you missed them, check them out by clicking Kevin Smith PSA's.

Wal-Mart Sells Evil...But It's Cheap!

The next time you go to Wal-Mart (or Sprawl-Mart as The Simpsons appropriately call it) and you are looking to get some paint ball equipment or a new spare tire, think about this;
Wal-Mart couldn’t give a damn about their employees.

Here is just a small example of the politics that Wal-Mart gets involved in. Wal-Mart contributed $650,000 to the campaign against California Proposition 72, which would have required employers (Sprawl-Mart) to pay for their workers’ health insurance. Wal-Mart helped defeat it by the way.

Wal-Mart has donated $153,000 to the Californian Republican party in the past two years, spent more than $1 million in March to convince Contra Costa County voters to kill an ordinance that would have effectively banned Wal-Mart supercenters—that’s their grocery store/regular Wal-Mart (beer, motor oil and bullets all in one trip).

Actually, Wal-Mart lost one recently after it spent $1 mil to pass a measure that would permit Wal-Mart to build a supercenter in Ingelwood without undergoing the usual environmental reviews.

All this and they pay their employees some of the lowest in wages and benefits in the industry.

So when you are in Wal-Mart sometime soon, think about how you are getting that 50 cents less on the latest Tim McGraw disc or car battery (Is there a Tim McGraw endorsed car battery?).

Hopefully that "thinking" stuff will stop you from buying that Tim McGraw album all together.

What Would Yoda Do?

Hypocrite. That’s what I am. I think of the “Right” as being closed minded, uninformed and just plain wrong. Maybe I am the one who is closed minded, who is uninformed and, dare I say, wrong.

I‘ve always felt like the Republicans are the “Dark Side” and I (a Democrat) am on the good side of "The Force" (Is "the force" supposed to be capitalized?..Who knows). Democrats with Luke and Chewie, Republicans are with Darth Vader and the Emperor. Actually I am probably more like a Ewok but think I’m Han Solo.

The problem is, even though we Dems may truly believe we are on the good side of the Force, so do the Republicans. Right or wrong, that is what we both believe. Now, for the next four years, it is up the Democrats to convince the American public that they are right. But how do you pull somebody back to the good side of “the force”?....

•Show Americans how bad the Republicans are with the environment. I just hear Dems talk about it, give me specific examples and keep at it. Republicans aren’t going to look at this for themselves, if it isn’t in front of their face, they assume everything is fine. Don’t just say we are going to have a 10% fossil fuel reduction in 2038 or some other meaningless number, say we demand 10% now and 50% in two years. Go big!

•Keep out of big corporations pockets. Even if Democrats are in socially better pockets than Republicans, you can’t be hypocrites on this. Don’t give the “Dark Side” ammo (don’t give in to hate).

•Explain to everybody, plainly, how the deficit is adversely affecting us. It’s very easy for Republicans to ignore because they don’t see it being a problem. “Give me my tax cut, I don’t care how you do it.”

•Somehow people have to be reminded that we have a separation of Church and State in this country. We have somehow forgotten. Even Senator Palpatine (Star Wars character) didn’t call upon the Force when running for the Senate.

•Stop trying to be like a different version of the Republicans. You have to go your own way and show why it’s the best way (light sabers good, blasters bad).

Democrats must change. We can’t show up in 2008 with the same game. If we do, there may never be balance brought back to the Force.

I Can't Stop Looking At The Monkeys

Not that anybody has been waiting for it, but I will give a rundown on the Election results later.

I like to try and interject humor (I did say try) with my observations and I am just to bitter and afraid of what this country is going to be like after another four years of Bush polices, to interject humor--except for this...

LISTEN UP NETWORKS! For the love of all that is un-annoying TV watching, stop having news sets with windows that look out to the street where people are gathered around, looking to get on TV.

These people stand back there looking like jack-asses and I can't help but watch what they are doing. I start drifting away from what is being talked about and just look at the dorks in the back.

Why is this necessary? Are the ratings better when you have people in the background looking like monkeys as opposed to a non-monkey background?

I think the only way to stop this is if somebody does something real vulgar. I'm not sure if flipping the bird would be enough.

We need some full frontal nudity. While watching CNN, I saw a girl lift up her top enough to show some writing on her midsection. That was a step in the right direction, but I think maybe we need (and it pains me to say it) some slongs to peak out. Nothin that would make me feel inadequate mind you, just big enough that it could be seen on camera.

Maybe monkey size.

I'm Gambling On America's Future

Being a "social" gambler (whatever the hell that means), I always find it interesting what odds Vegas has for non-sport events and what not (the sporting odds are pretty interesting too). The only thing they left out is a line on Florida screwing this whole election up.

Courtesy of americasline.com.

2004 PRESIDENTIAL ODDS

October 31 , 2004

By BENJAMIN ECKSTEIN, President & DAVID SCOTT, Senior Analyst
Americasline.com

ODDS TO WIN PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

ODDS TO BE ELECTED
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN 2004

Name Party Title Odds
*George W. Bush (R) President -120
John Kerry (D) Massachusetts Senator EVEN

ODDS ON POPULAR AND ELECTORAL VOTE RESULTS

Bush wins popular vote and electoral vote 4/5
Bush wins popular vote, Kerry wins electoral vote 8/1
Kerry wins popular vote and electoral vote EVEN
Kerry wins popular vote, Bush wins electoral vote 20/1

ODDS OF AN ELECTORAL VOTE TIE

Bush and Kerry each get 269 electoral votes 20/1

HOW MANY STATES WILL BUSH CARRY

over 29 1/2 -110
under 29 1/2 -110

JOHN KERRY STATES WON VS

TOTAL POINTS BY CARMELO ANTHONY

(Tuesday, November 2 game)

John Kerry + 2 1/2 -115
Carmelo Anthony -2 1/2 -115

GEORGE BUSH STATES WON VS

TOTAL POINTS BY KOBE BRYANT

(Tuesday, November 2 game)

George Bush +1 1/2 -115
Kobe Bryant -1 1/2 -115


*I hope Vegas is wrong but, unfortunately, they usually aren't.

If you are registered to vote and you don't want Bush Jr., please get your ass out there and vote Tuesday--I've got a 'hundy' on it.

Don't Support Troop Supporters!

As I drove through Fresno's A #1 intersection Blackstone and Shaw, (this is where groups in Fresno tend to come out and protest or support things), I saw a group of "supporters". They were called Republican women for something.

They had signs with things like "Honk if you support our troops". I can't stand that. Republicans always pull that statement out.

WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T SUPPORT OUR TROOPS?

They always infer that they are the ones that support our troops and if you don't support the war, you don't support our troops. Even a pacifist supports the troops. It's almost slanderous.

The real signs they should be holding is "Honk if you support the war". A war protestor is actually fighting for the troops to come home alive, ya dipshit's. Somebody who is pro war is actually "supporting" more troops to die....HELLOOOO???

Ashlee Simpson Can't Even Lip-Sync!

This is just too funny to pass up. Did you catch Saturday Night Live last weekend? If not (or maybe you just feel asleep like me) you missed a once in a season (or more) moment.

Ashlee (Yes, that's how she spells Ashley) Simpson, the SNL musical guest (I use the term musical loosely) totally screwed-up her second song (by the way, she was obviously lip-synching on her first song). Either her band started playing a song that surprised her or the lip-sync track was off and played the first song, but she became a deer in the headlights and just walked (actually she did a "ho-down") off stage.

I think SNL is going to start making sure they don't book un-professionals anymore.

Funny-ass shit. Click the link below to see it!

Simpson Screw-up

AUDIBLE FLUX COMES THROUGH FOR U!

The sad thing is she blames her band in the end. They were the only ones being professional and going on with the show. "Ashlee" just slinked away.

I Am Very Talented...at video games

It’s the first, of what will likely be many, “I have writer’s block, even though there is no such thing, post”.

This will be the official picture for these posts. It represents how I can’t think of anything good to write about so I am going to just post this lame picture.

I actually don’t think writer’s block exists. “Writer’s block” really just breaks down like this:
• The story/idea you are working simply sucks and you should just move on (I MOVE ON A LOT!)
• You haven’t researched your idea enough…you just haven’t worked hard enough (BIG LAZY-ASS MO-FO).
• Being too much of a perfectionist. (WHAT’S A PErFECTtIONST?)
• Plain have no talent (YO!).

Current reason for the lack of a new post falls under the “lazy” category. I’ve been working to much this week and I decided to use what little down time I had to play video games…like so many other great “talents”.

Audible Flux Expands For Lame Reasons!

I have decided (given the deluge of non-existent emails asking me to give more of my thoughts on sports) to start a sports blog.

Being a big sports fan, it would only seem logical I would be writing more stuff about sports on Audible Flux. But I realize not everybody wants to read about sports stuff (not that anybody gives a crap about reading most of the regular stuff on here), so I have tried to keep sports thoughts to a minimum.

Well now (regardless of the Audible Flux reader apathy) I have a second blog to show off my geek-boy writing. Be on the look out for heavy coverage of all the big influential and relevant leagues like the NHL, USFL, Indoor Soccer League, XFL and Fresno Wiffleball League.

Come check it out at SportsFlux!

Know How To Make A White Russian?

If you like the movie The Big Lebowski, what the hell is wrong with you? You should LOVE The Big Lebowski!

Do you love drinking as well? Here is the game for you! But be careful, if you play this game like it tells you to, YOU MAY DIE!

The beginning of the movie Entire cup or beer
Dude smokes pot 2 drinks
Walter mentions Vietnam 1 drink
Donny says dude 1 drink
Someone bowls a strike 2 drinks
You see George Bush 5 drinks
Every time Dude drinks a White Russian 1 drink
Every time the Dude wears Jellies 2 drinks
Every time a weapon is in the film 1 drink
Every time Walter says Shomer Shabbas 1 drink
The Dude rides in a car (not driving) 1 drink
Every time Flea is in the picture 1 drink
Song on soundtrack starts 1 drink
Every time the dude puts on sunglasses 1 drink
Everytime someone says gold bricker 2 drinks
End of movie Finish what is left

(Inventors: Matt, TJ, Dan, Andrew, Jared FSU Deviney Hall 2000-2001)

Please let AUDIBLE FLUX know if you actually have played this game and what hospital you were taken to.

Under The Influence

Yes I see that the document has been altered (the date of birth is filled out wrong) but I swear it's from a legit source (insert Nightline joke here). Okay, my cousin sent it to me. But trust me, he is a honest guy! (he is also single ladies!)

I'm a forgiving person so I can overlook this little Bush screw-up. I mean G.W. was in Kenneebunkport for crying out loud. That is one big-ass party town! Everybody would drink and drive around there, it's just what ya did.

SHE'S A MAGIC MOUNTAIN!

AUDIBLE FLUX: RETRO FLUX

This is the first of a regular topic I will be trying; it’s called a “retro topic”. The premise is if blogs existed in the 80’s, this is something I might write about. And my first topic is, of course, the band Winger.

You remember Kip and his sexy-ass bass antics. I bet you also remember the song Seventeen.

I was thinking, if that song were released today, Kip probably would be arrested (wasn’t Kip like 33 at the time?) and the F.C.C. would have fined Clear Channel for playing the song. Here are some of the Lyrics, for those who don’t remember.

And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
I'm only seventeen,(KIP, SHE’S TELLIN YOU MAN…WALK AWAY NOW KIP!)
but I'll show you love like you've never seen
She's only seventeen, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me
Come to my place, we can talk it over, oh everything going down in your head
She said take it easy, I need some time, time to work it out, to make you mine
And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
I'm only seventeen, you ain't seen love, ain't seen nothing like me
She's only seventeen, seventeen

If those lyrics don’t scare you, take a look at some more disturbing ones that show up later:
She's a magic mountain, she's a leather glove
I’ve got chills.

Fair and BIASED Reporting

AUDIBLE FLUX Headlines:Fox News reporter Paul Schur recently posted a fake story about John Kerry on the Fox News website. When the story was posted, it was posted as a real story. The story goes like this:

Shur reported that John Kerry, at an appearance after the debates, said to supporters "Didn't my nails look great? What a good debate!" "Women should like me! I do manicures."

The article also claimed that Kerry was comparing himself to G.W. Bush saying, "I'm metrosexual -- he's a cowboy."

If your going to post a fake story about Kerry, don't ya think you could post something better than that?

Fox News says it was a in-office joke that somehow got posted on to it's website and the reporter, Paul Schur, has been disciplined.

Okay but how the hell is this guy not getting fired? Isn't credibility the biggest thing a reporter should have. Now PAUL SCHUR has none. And by the way, it's not that easy to just "accidentally" post an article to a website. Especially a site as major as Fox News.

I think if Fox News was actually "fair and balanced" like they say they are, they would post a fake George Bush Jr. story. Maybe something like he's a homophobe and was a cocaine-head and has been caught drunk driving and is a "pro-lifer" but the biggest supporter of the death penalty...

...no wait, that wouldn't be fake -- It would be "FAIR AND BALANCED" though.

*Here is a link to the whole story
FAKE FOX NEWS REPORT

The National Pastime is still Baseball

USA Today recently did one of their poll/graphs on what is the biggest spectator sport in the U.S. Of course it was Football with 23%. Baseball was 13%, NBA 10% and College Football came in at 7%.

It always pisses me off when I hear or see stuff about Football being the biggest sport. If Baseball was only played once a week like Football, Baseball would surely be the biggest. But this fact is always left out of the equation.

Could you imagine what it would be like if the Red Soxs and Yankees only played twice a year? How bout the Giants and Dodgers? The D-Rays and Tigers....well okay, that wouldn't be too great. But just think if the Cardinals and Lions played 15 times a year. Are you still pickin Football as America's sport?