AUDIBLE FLUX Headlines:Fox News reporter Paul Schur recently posted a fake story about John Kerry on the Fox News website. When the story was posted, it was posted as a real story. The story goes like this:
Shur reported that John Kerry, at an appearance after the debates, said to supporters "Didn't my nails look great? What a good debate!" "Women should like me! I do manicures."
The article also claimed that Kerry was comparing himself to G.W. Bush saying, "I'm metrosexual -- he's a cowboy."
If your going to post a fake story about Kerry, don't ya think you could post something better than that?
Fox News says it was a in-office joke that somehow got posted on to it's website and the reporter, Paul Schur, has been disciplined.
Okay but how the hell is this guy not getting fired? Isn't credibility the biggest thing a reporter should have. Now PAUL SCHUR has none. And by the way, it's not that easy to just "accidentally" post an article to a website. Especially a site as major as Fox News.
I think if Fox News was actually "fair and balanced" like they say they are, they would post a fake George Bush Jr. story. Maybe something like he's a homophobe and was a cocaine-head and has been caught drunk driving and is a "pro-lifer" but the biggest supporter of the death penalty...
...no wait, that wouldn't be fake -- It would be "FAIR AND BALANCED" though.
*Here is a link to the whole story
FAKE FOX NEWS REPORT
10/05/2004
10/03/2004
The National Pastime is still Baseball
USA Today recently did one of their poll/graphs on what is the biggest spectator sport in the U.S. Of course it was Football with 23%. Baseball was 13%, NBA 10% and College Football came in at 7%.
It always pisses me off when I hear or see stuff about Football being the biggest sport. If Baseball was only played once a week like Football, Baseball would surely be the biggest. But this fact is always left out of the equation.
Could you imagine what it would be like if the Red Soxs and Yankees only played twice a year? How bout the Giants and Dodgers? The D-Rays and Tigers....well okay, that wouldn't be too great. But just think if the Cardinals and Lions played 15 times a year. Are you still pickin Football as America's sport?
It always pisses me off when I hear or see stuff about Football being the biggest sport. If Baseball was only played once a week like Football, Baseball would surely be the biggest. But this fact is always left out of the equation.
Could you imagine what it would be like if the Red Soxs and Yankees only played twice a year? How bout the Giants and Dodgers? The D-Rays and Tigers....well okay, that wouldn't be too great. But just think if the Cardinals and Lions played 15 times a year. Are you still pickin Football as America's sport?
9/28/2004
California Coastline Dreamin
Audible Flux Headlines: A series of earthquakes, one of them registering magnitude 5.9, shook central California on September 28, 2004
What a mess! That's your bad Karma from killin that deer dude! (note the deer head mounted on the wall)
Man! I always miss these things--well not always, but I missed this one. Most everybody else felt it in the Fresno area, but I was outside (and in Madera). It's a little harder to feel them when your not in a building (the small quakes anyway).
I am disappointed to miss this latest quake because they are really a cool experience (as long as nobody gets hurt that is).
Unlike other natural disasters, earthquakes come without warning. One moment your watching cartoons, or talking shit about a co-worker with somebody, or sitting on the can reading Maxim. Then, without any warning, the floor under you is rolling and stuff is rattling around you and your stomach gets a big knot because all your life (as a Californian) you have been told that the "Big One" will come someday and, for a few seconds, you think this might be it. The "Big One" will come and crumble life as you know it leaving Fresno with a coastline and LA underwater.
That would be so sweet....The Fresno coastline part that is. LA, San Diego, San Fran, Pismo Beach, they have all had the coastline for way too long! It's time for us people inland to get some of that Ocean air-you selfish Coastline bitches!
What a mess! That's your bad Karma from killin that deer dude! (note the deer head mounted on the wall)
Man! I always miss these things--well not always, but I missed this one. Most everybody else felt it in the Fresno area, but I was outside (and in Madera). It's a little harder to feel them when your not in a building (the small quakes anyway).
I am disappointed to miss this latest quake because they are really a cool experience (as long as nobody gets hurt that is).
Unlike other natural disasters, earthquakes come without warning. One moment your watching cartoons, or talking shit about a co-worker with somebody, or sitting on the can reading Maxim. Then, without any warning, the floor under you is rolling and stuff is rattling around you and your stomach gets a big knot because all your life (as a Californian) you have been told that the "Big One" will come someday and, for a few seconds, you think this might be it. The "Big One" will come and crumble life as you know it leaving Fresno with a coastline and LA underwater.
That would be so sweet....The Fresno coastline part that is. LA, San Diego, San Fran, Pismo Beach, they have all had the coastline for way too long! It's time for us people inland to get some of that Ocean air-you selfish Coastline bitches!
MICROBREW....MACRO HANGOVER!
Yes, I have a drinking problem. The problem is with the damn hangovers. And I have legendary hangovers. Last weekend was no exception.
But before I tell you that, nobody gets worse hangovers than me. Mine last for a full day, sometimes into the next. I puke all day, usually about every 45 minuets or so, until the late evening (it used to be just the morning but old age is creeping up on me).
I’ve never missed a day of work but I sure have missed plenty of classes, overstayed welcomes (because I couldn’t drive home puking ya know), had to pretend I had the flu at family gatherings, had GREEN things come out of me and last Sunday, miss a day of hanging around with my friends watching Football (Mike Martz sucks!).
I missed that day of Football because I underestimated the power of MICROBEER. When they say it’s 7.5 % alcohol, they ain’t shitin you! But you know I didn’t have anymore than anybody else did, but yet something chemical in my weak-ass, stomach of an infant, belly, went haywire. That 7.5% Sent me into a day long puke-fest the likes of which couldn’t be rivaled by the worst morning sickness.
The thing is, I’m not a rookie at drinking (my mom is so proud). I know how to drink and know I can get heavy duty hangovers at the drop of a pint glass. But yet that knowledge just floats out of my brain when the Micro beers start flowing. “It won’t happen this time.” I say to myself. “I haven’t been getting hangovers from those Ultra’s.” (I think they must just put a drop of alcohol in those.)
So remember kids, take it from a drunk who knows, just because the beer is from a Microbrewer doesn’t mean it won’t give you a big-ass hangover.
But before I tell you that, nobody gets worse hangovers than me. Mine last for a full day, sometimes into the next. I puke all day, usually about every 45 minuets or so, until the late evening (it used to be just the morning but old age is creeping up on me).
I’ve never missed a day of work but I sure have missed plenty of classes, overstayed welcomes (because I couldn’t drive home puking ya know), had to pretend I had the flu at family gatherings, had GREEN things come out of me and last Sunday, miss a day of hanging around with my friends watching Football (Mike Martz sucks!).
I missed that day of Football because I underestimated the power of MICROBEER. When they say it’s 7.5 % alcohol, they ain’t shitin you! But you know I didn’t have anymore than anybody else did, but yet something chemical in my weak-ass, stomach of an infant, belly, went haywire. That 7.5% Sent me into a day long puke-fest the likes of which couldn’t be rivaled by the worst morning sickness.
The thing is, I’m not a rookie at drinking (my mom is so proud). I know how to drink and know I can get heavy duty hangovers at the drop of a pint glass. But yet that knowledge just floats out of my brain when the Micro beers start flowing. “It won’t happen this time.” I say to myself. “I haven’t been getting hangovers from those Ultra’s.” (I think they must just put a drop of alcohol in those.)
So remember kids, take it from a drunk who knows, just because the beer is from a Microbrewer doesn’t mean it won’t give you a big-ass hangover.
9/20/2004
Real Time might be the best show on TV
I love great comedy writing (yes, that's why I hate my writing). It takes a lot of talent to write something funny and make a great point at the same time. Bill Maher and his staff at Real Time do a great job at this.
Here is a quote from Bill's last show (during his "New Rules" segment) that gives you an idea of what I'm talking about:
New Rule: Stop building "fuck-you-mobiles." A company called International is offering a pickup truck that is twice as heavy as the Hummer and so bad for the environment you can actually watch the sky falling in your rearview mirror. They call it the "image enhancer" for - quote - "folks who just want more." In other words, "assholes." But at a cost of a hundred grand, wouldn't it just be cheaper to go ahead and get the penis enlargement surgery?
It's funny because it's true. There are people or "assholes" out there, who actually buy vehicles just because they know it's pissing-off some enviromentalist. They don't even try and come up with that bull-shit primise of acutally NEEDING a vehicle that size because of their family (even though that family is just one bratty-ass kid).
Here is a quote from Bill's last show (during his "New Rules" segment) that gives you an idea of what I'm talking about:
New Rule: Stop building "fuck-you-mobiles." A company called International is offering a pickup truck that is twice as heavy as the Hummer and so bad for the environment you can actually watch the sky falling in your rearview mirror. They call it the "image enhancer" for - quote - "folks who just want more." In other words, "assholes." But at a cost of a hundred grand, wouldn't it just be cheaper to go ahead and get the penis enlargement surgery?
It's funny because it's true. There are people or "assholes" out there, who actually buy vehicles just because they know it's pissing-off some enviromentalist. They don't even try and come up with that bull-shit primise of acutally NEEDING a vehicle that size because of their family (even though that family is just one bratty-ass kid).
9/19/2004
9/15/2004
FINALLY, A Hurricane I Can Get Interested In!
THIS IS A DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT USUALLY THIS SELF CENTERED OR UN-FEELING TOWARDS PEOPLE IN HARMS WAY OR TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOST LOVE ONES. I AM SIMPLY FINDING HUMOR IN A SCREWED UP SITUATION (plus when your a struggling writer like myself, you've got to pimp out every thought in your head).
Headlines: Tropical Storm Bonnie Batters Florida
My thought?...Well I didn't have a thought, I was busy researching players for my Fantasy Football draft.
Headlines: Hurricane Charley Hits Florida
My thought?....Florida again huh...Why do people put trailer homes there?
Headlines: Hurricane Frances Deals It To Florida
My thought?...Damn that new Father Of The Pride show on NBC sucks ass!
Headlines: Hurricane Ivan Heading Towards New Orleans
My thought?...New Orleans? Oooohh cool. Now I am interested. That's a nice change up. I was getting so bored of those Florida ones. If girls pull up their top to Ivan, will the Hurricane spit out some beads?
Headlines: Tropical Storm Bonnie Batters Florida
My thought?...Well I didn't have a thought, I was busy researching players for my Fantasy Football draft.
Headlines: Hurricane Charley Hits Florida
My thought?....Florida again huh...Why do people put trailer homes there?
Headlines: Hurricane Frances Deals It To Florida
My thought?...Damn that new Father Of The Pride show on NBC sucks ass!
Headlines: Hurricane Ivan Heading Towards New Orleans
My thought?...New Orleans? Oooohh cool. Now I am interested. That's a nice change up. I was getting so bored of those Florida ones. If girls pull up their top to Ivan, will the Hurricane spit out some beads?
WWE RAW!
Most of you have probably seen this picture already but have you taken a good look at it?
Notice how the guys are mostly just laughing or have a "Oh cool!" look on their face. The girls have a "OH MY GOD!" expression. Whenever a fight breaks out at a game, the guys are like "Yes, a fight!" and girls are "I can't believe they are fighting."
-I like pointing out obvious stuff I guess.
9/13/2004
All My Rowdy Songs Are Coming Over Tonight
For years now, the start of every Monday Night Football Show begins with a modified version of Hank Williams song "All My Rowdy Friends are Coming Over Tonight". The song is now better know as the "Are you ready for some Football?" song. Every year the song changes a little and the video tries to become a little more "rowdy".
Do you think all Hank Williams does now is just re-write his song every year to fit the even "more rowdy" new season? I'm sure it must be tough finding the time to do that year after year with all of his big county fair tours throughout the year.
When fans go to his show, do they call out for Hank to do the Football song? Do they even remember the original version? Do fans clamor for specific year versions? "Hey Hank, play Are You Ready 99!" Or do fans talk about seeing him at different places "Yea Randall, I saw him play at my trailer park picnic area last October and he did the 2001 version-he tore it up! Let me tell ya, I was ready for some damn Football that night!"
Do you think all Hank Williams does now is just re-write his song every year to fit the even "more rowdy" new season? I'm sure it must be tough finding the time to do that year after year with all of his big county fair tours throughout the year.
When fans go to his show, do they call out for Hank to do the Football song? Do they even remember the original version? Do fans clamor for specific year versions? "Hey Hank, play Are You Ready 99!" Or do fans talk about seeing him at different places "Yea Randall, I saw him play at my trailer park picnic area last October and he did the 2001 version-he tore it up! Let me tell ya, I was ready for some damn Football that night!"
9/07/2004
The Orchid THIEF
In what should not be surprising news but still is, the movie "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid" is still number three at the box office and has made twenty four million so far. And I think that screenwriter Charlie Kaufman (he wrote the screenplay for the movie Adaptation) should be laughing his ass off at the movie's premise.
If you have not seen Adaptation here is the scene that shows why Kaufman should be chuckling:
VALERIE
So, tell me your thoughts on this
crazy little project of ours.
In one motion, Kaufman swabs his forehead and pulls a book
entitled The Orchid Thief from his bag.
KAUFMAN
First, I think it's a great book.
VALERIE
Laroche is a fun character, isn't he?
Kaufman nods, flips through the book, stalling. A photo of
author Susan Orlean smiles from the inside back cover.
KAUFMAN
Absolutely. And Orlean makes orchids so
fascinating. Plus her musings on
Florida, orchid poaching. Indians.
Great, sprawling New Yorker stuff. I'd
want to remain true to that, let the
movie exist rather than be artificially
plot driven.
VALERIE
Okay, great, great. I guess I'm not
exactly sure what that means.
KAUFMAN
Oh. Well... I like to let my work
evolve, so I'd want to go into it with
sort of open-ended kind of... and also
not force it into a typical movie form.
VALERIE
Oh. That sounds interesting... what
you're saying. I mean, I'm intrigued.
KAUFMAN
(blurting)
It's just, I don't want to ruin it by
making it a Hollywood product. Like, an
orchid heist movie or something.
Or changing the orchids into poppies and
turning it into a movie about drug
running. Y'know? Why can't there be a
movie simply about flowers? That's all.
VALERIE
That's what we're thinking. Definitely.
KAUFMAN
Like, I don't want to cram in sex, or car
chases, or guns. Or characters learning
profound life lessons. Or growing or
coming to like each other or overcoming
obstacles to succeed in the end. Y'know?
The book isn't like that. Life isn't
like that. It just isn't. I feel very
strongly about this.
Okay, if you have not figured out where I am going with this story here is the description for the movie Anacondas: The Hunt for the BLOOD ORCHID.
A scientific expedition is sent to the jungles of Borneo to search for a rare black orchid by a powerful pharmaceutical company that hopes the orchid can be used to unlock the secrets of youth and immortality. What they discover is that the orchid is already being used by a powerful group... a swarm of giant snakes that derive their super strength, size and vitality from the flowers, and extremely large snakes are also extremely hungry snakes...
Now I am sure Charlie Kaufman sees this and just thinks "I knew they were going to do something like that.
But I bet if his "brother" Donald was alive, he would think Anacondas was a great script.
If you have not seen Adaptation here is the scene that shows why Kaufman should be chuckling:
VALERIE
So, tell me your thoughts on this
crazy little project of ours.
In one motion, Kaufman swabs his forehead and pulls a book
entitled The Orchid Thief from his bag.
KAUFMAN
First, I think it's a great book.
VALERIE
Laroche is a fun character, isn't he?
Kaufman nods, flips through the book, stalling. A photo of
author Susan Orlean smiles from the inside back cover.
KAUFMAN
Absolutely. And Orlean makes orchids so
fascinating. Plus her musings on
Florida, orchid poaching. Indians.
Great, sprawling New Yorker stuff. I'd
want to remain true to that, let the
movie exist rather than be artificially
plot driven.
VALERIE
Okay, great, great. I guess I'm not
exactly sure what that means.
KAUFMAN
Oh. Well... I like to let my work
evolve, so I'd want to go into it with
sort of open-ended kind of... and also
not force it into a typical movie form.
VALERIE
Oh. That sounds interesting... what
you're saying. I mean, I'm intrigued.
KAUFMAN
(blurting)
It's just, I don't want to ruin it by
making it a Hollywood product. Like, an
orchid heist movie or something.
Or changing the orchids into poppies and
turning it into a movie about drug
running. Y'know? Why can't there be a
movie simply about flowers? That's all.
VALERIE
That's what we're thinking. Definitely.
KAUFMAN
Like, I don't want to cram in sex, or car
chases, or guns. Or characters learning
profound life lessons. Or growing or
coming to like each other or overcoming
obstacles to succeed in the end. Y'know?
The book isn't like that. Life isn't
like that. It just isn't. I feel very
strongly about this.
Okay, if you have not figured out where I am going with this story here is the description for the movie Anacondas: The Hunt for the BLOOD ORCHID.
A scientific expedition is sent to the jungles of Borneo to search for a rare black orchid by a powerful pharmaceutical company that hopes the orchid can be used to unlock the secrets of youth and immortality. What they discover is that the orchid is already being used by a powerful group... a swarm of giant snakes that derive their super strength, size and vitality from the flowers, and extremely large snakes are also extremely hungry snakes...
Now I am sure Charlie Kaufman sees this and just thinks "I knew they were going to do something like that.
But I bet if his "brother" Donald was alive, he would think Anacondas was a great script.
9/03/2004
Ranting and Questioning
Name one old guy who is better off than Michael Douglas.
Magic Shell ice-cream syrup is the greatest food product ever invented.
Don’t you hate those ass-holes who use the drive-up ATM to do ALL of their banking for the month as you wait for their ass?
Baseball is the only sport that is good on the radio.
HEY A.O.L….STOP SENDING ME YOUR DAMN DISC’S! YOU COULD PUT TEN ZILLION FREE HOURS ON IT…I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
Why is it when magazines review albums, they never put the song that has been released as one of the “hot tracks”? Does the reviewer think it makes him look smarter because he can name songs that aren’t on the radio?
Could Macy Gray just please go away already?
I love walking around in a new unwashed t-shirt.
Yes, I am a dork.
Magic Shell ice-cream syrup is the greatest food product ever invented.
Don’t you hate those ass-holes who use the drive-up ATM to do ALL of their banking for the month as you wait for their ass?
Baseball is the only sport that is good on the radio.
HEY A.O.L….STOP SENDING ME YOUR DAMN DISC’S! YOU COULD PUT TEN ZILLION FREE HOURS ON IT…I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
Why is it when magazines review albums, they never put the song that has been released as one of the “hot tracks”? Does the reviewer think it makes him look smarter because he can name songs that aren’t on the radio?
Could Macy Gray just please go away already?
I love walking around in a new unwashed t-shirt.
Yes, I am a dork.
9/02/2004
"THE RIGHT" IS FOOLIN YA!
All of these right wing attacks on Kerry’s Vietnam record need to stop. “The Right” have muddied up the water so bad it is making people forget the indisputable facts:
• Kerry volunteered to go to Vietnam. (Bush?)
• Kerry could have gotten out of it Nam if he really wanted to. (Bush?)
• Kerry has a clean record as a soldier. (Bush?..Soldier?)
• Kerry finished his time. (Bush?)
In the words of Stan Lee…NUFF SAID.
• Kerry volunteered to go to Vietnam. (Bush?)
• Kerry could have gotten out of it Nam if he really wanted to. (Bush?)
• Kerry has a clean record as a soldier. (Bush?..Soldier?)
• Kerry finished his time. (Bush?)
In the words of Stan Lee…NUFF SAID.
9/01/2004
Would You Like Plastic or Paper?
CD's that are packaged in the cardboard cases instead of the traditional plastic jewel cases, bug the hell out of me.
Call me anal-retentive or a dumbass who thinks about stupid things too much, but they screw up my CD shelf. It doesn't look right and sometimes the boxes are too big to fit properly in the shelf and they throw off the spacing. Sometimes the boxes start wearing out too.
I can understand the bands might think cardboard cases are better for the environment but that's only if I threw away the case. Why would I throw away the case?...I love the case, it's my friend. It just feels right in my hand plus it's easier to take out the booklet when it's a jewel case. Sometimes It takes a few minutes to even find the book in the cardboard ones. Besides, aren't you using more tree's with the paper ones. And couldn't you use recycled plastic for the jewel cases (yes you can use recycled paper too but I'm trying to make a friggin point here).
Please, somebody make a compact disc law or something and stop the Cardboard madness...MADNESS I TELL YOU!
Call me anal-retentive or a dumbass who thinks about stupid things too much, but they screw up my CD shelf. It doesn't look right and sometimes the boxes are too big to fit properly in the shelf and they throw off the spacing. Sometimes the boxes start wearing out too.
I can understand the bands might think cardboard cases are better for the environment but that's only if I threw away the case. Why would I throw away the case?...I love the case, it's my friend. It just feels right in my hand plus it's easier to take out the booklet when it's a jewel case. Sometimes It takes a few minutes to even find the book in the cardboard ones. Besides, aren't you using more tree's with the paper ones. And couldn't you use recycled plastic for the jewel cases (yes you can use recycled paper too but I'm trying to make a friggin point here).
Please, somebody make a compact disc law or something and stop the Cardboard madness...MADNESS I TELL YOU!
8/31/2004
PART TWO OF DAVID LEE ROTH IN THE "LISTENING ROOM"
Back again by unpopular demand is part two of a four part interview I had with David Lee Roth, the former lead singer of Van Halen. I am playing the new “Best Of Both Worlds” best of CD that features the Dave and Sammy era of Van Halen. As Dave and I listen I get his comments on the songs.
AND THE CRADLE WILL ROCK
DAVE: This one is about babies and how I have none. The reason I don’t have any is because I’m fixed for one and because you can’t ROCK on stage and have a CRADLE at home. Are you hearing me Van Hagar boys?
BLACK AND BLUE
DAVE: In this one, Sammy is singing about how he likes to do it rough in bed and shit. I’ll bet he gets girls in bed and tells them to pull on his big Goldie Locks hair and say things like “Harder harder, you big haired fatty!”
JUMP
DAVE: It’s my number one chart topper, baby! Just try and do that Sammy, you can’t!
I bet I know the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear this song. It’s me wiping my ass with the mic stand in the video, isn’t it?
TOP OF THE WORLD
DAVE: What world are you top of Sammy? Cabo doesn’t count bitch! Any place you can be king of by drinking a grip of Tequila, is not a WORLD to be TOP OF.
Oh and Eddie, nice rip of your Jump riff.
OH PRETTY WOMAN
DAVE: I would always tell Edward, you’re halfway to a hit when you do a cover, and half way to an all day party when you have a plate of blow.
LOVE WALKS IN
DAVE: It’s too bad a producer didn’t WALK IN when Sammy was singing and tell him to shut up.
Isn’t this one of Sammy’s alien songs? I heard that Sammy is the real alien and he WALKS Into Alex’s bedroom every night to give him one of those anal probes.
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS
DAVE: Oh yes man, I love em and I need em. Too bad the only girls I get now are out of the yellow pages….um…no aaa I mean Sammy gets them out of the yellow pages, yea that’s what I heard, Sam.
CAN’T STOP LOVING YOU
DAVE: Unfortunately Sam CAN’T STOP writing songs about love. I think this one is a secret love letter to Alex.
UNCHAINED
DAVE: Oh shit, I’m off the chain and I have hit the ground runnin. This one is just about me being a bad-ass.
That was part two. Part three and four will be up soon.
(The part of David Lee Roth was actually written by Mike Seay. It’s pretty close to what Dave would say though. Only his comments would be funnier and make less sense.)
AND THE CRADLE WILL ROCK
DAVE: This one is about babies and how I have none. The reason I don’t have any is because I’m fixed for one and because you can’t ROCK on stage and have a CRADLE at home. Are you hearing me Van Hagar boys?
BLACK AND BLUE
DAVE: In this one, Sammy is singing about how he likes to do it rough in bed and shit. I’ll bet he gets girls in bed and tells them to pull on his big Goldie Locks hair and say things like “Harder harder, you big haired fatty!”
JUMP
DAVE: It’s my number one chart topper, baby! Just try and do that Sammy, you can’t!
I bet I know the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear this song. It’s me wiping my ass with the mic stand in the video, isn’t it?
TOP OF THE WORLD
DAVE: What world are you top of Sammy? Cabo doesn’t count bitch! Any place you can be king of by drinking a grip of Tequila, is not a WORLD to be TOP OF.
Oh and Eddie, nice rip of your Jump riff.
OH PRETTY WOMAN
DAVE: I would always tell Edward, you’re halfway to a hit when you do a cover, and half way to an all day party when you have a plate of blow.
LOVE WALKS IN
DAVE: It’s too bad a producer didn’t WALK IN when Sammy was singing and tell him to shut up.
Isn’t this one of Sammy’s alien songs? I heard that Sammy is the real alien and he WALKS Into Alex’s bedroom every night to give him one of those anal probes.
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS
DAVE: Oh yes man, I love em and I need em. Too bad the only girls I get now are out of the yellow pages….um…no aaa I mean Sammy gets them out of the yellow pages, yea that’s what I heard, Sam.
CAN’T STOP LOVING YOU
DAVE: Unfortunately Sam CAN’T STOP writing songs about love. I think this one is a secret love letter to Alex.
UNCHAINED
DAVE: Oh shit, I’m off the chain and I have hit the ground runnin. This one is just about me being a bad-ass.
That was part two. Part three and four will be up soon.
(The part of David Lee Roth was actually written by Mike Seay. It’s pretty close to what Dave would say though. Only his comments would be funnier and make less sense.)
8/22/2004
Oh So I'm The Ass-hole Now? (part 1 and 2)
I must be an idiot!
If you were on United Flight 6054 from Kauai to LAX last Friday night, I'm the ass-hole who kept his overhead light on the whole damn flight. I don't think the poor dude next to me got a damn bit of sleep.
Let me explain. This was a five hour "red-eye" flight. So most people, the sane ones anyway, fully plan to sleep most of the flight. They take some PM pills and/or have a drink or just actually close their eyes and fall asleep. Now I did have a drink but it didn't really matter. I just can't sleep sitting up in a chair. Maybe for like thirty seconds but that is about it.
TIMELINE 8:30 PM
I am on the plane and have found my seat. I am flying with my wife and friends (Mahalooo guys) but I am sitting next to none of them due to a overbooked flight. I've got the isle (the isle is best for me since I have a pea sized bladder) and the seats next to me and across the isle from me haven't been taken yet. The people next to you can make or break a flight.
The worst is the crying baby or brat kid that have parents that don't realize or care that their kid is a brat.
Who am I gonna get? Nice, it's a couple about my age, they ought to leave me alone, which is what we all want really...Yes? But who will be in the isle next to me?....Oh how nice, it's a bonus, a German speaking women who has, yes you guessed it, a baby and a little kid. The question is, are they brats? Actually they seem fine so far. So I get settled in for a nice five hour plus flight.
TIMELINE 9:10 PM
We are well into the air and over the Pacific. The movie is about to start (Shrek 2, about as good as a in-flight movie can get) and I do a quick lavatory run to empty out the aforementioned pea sized bladder. I catch a glimpse of the Wife already passed out and my friends still up and ready to watch Shrek2. About three quarters of the plane is still up.
TIMELINE 11:30 PM
The movie is over and the captain has turned off the interior lights so that people can start sleeping (again, normal people anyway). There are about a dozen overhead lights on now, mine being one of them. I'm reading now but I want to start writing stuff but I keep thinking the guy next to me will try and read what I'm writing. I don't know why I am thinking this-As if this guy gives a shit about what I'm writing. I am mostly just afraid he'll look over and think what a dumb-ass I am for writing about being on a red-eye flight.
TIMELINE 12:45 PM
The baby across the isle has finally started to cry. I think I am the only one that is not bothered by this since I am the only fool in the area with his light on. There are actually twelve lights currently on in the entire plane.
TIMELINE 1:15 AM ( 4:15 LA time)
Out of approximately 300 people, I am now the only one with his light on. Yep I am the only loser who isn't trying to sleep. I'm still worried the guy next to me is looking at my writing even though he has his head buried in his hands-probably thinking "I wish this jack-ass would turn off his fuckin light."
TIMELINE 4:55 AM (now switched to LA time)
The Captain has announced that we are getting ready to land and everybody needs to wake the hell up. I'm the only person to have kept his light on the whole flight. I don't know if I should feel proud or stupid.
In the end, I'm not sure why I decided to write about sitting through a red-eye flight being the only person who tried to stay awake. Writing practice? Pass the time? To just piss off the guy next to me?
Nah, probably just to be an idiot.
If you were on United Flight 6054 from Kauai to LAX last Friday night, I'm the ass-hole who kept his overhead light on the whole damn flight. I don't think the poor dude next to me got a damn bit of sleep.
Let me explain. This was a five hour "red-eye" flight. So most people, the sane ones anyway, fully plan to sleep most of the flight. They take some PM pills and/or have a drink or just actually close their eyes and fall asleep. Now I did have a drink but it didn't really matter. I just can't sleep sitting up in a chair. Maybe for like thirty seconds but that is about it.
TIMELINE 8:30 PM
I am on the plane and have found my seat. I am flying with my wife and friends (Mahalooo guys) but I am sitting next to none of them due to a overbooked flight. I've got the isle (the isle is best for me since I have a pea sized bladder) and the seats next to me and across the isle from me haven't been taken yet. The people next to you can make or break a flight.
The worst is the crying baby or brat kid that have parents that don't realize or care that their kid is a brat.
Who am I gonna get? Nice, it's a couple about my age, they ought to leave me alone, which is what we all want really...Yes? But who will be in the isle next to me?....Oh how nice, it's a bonus, a German speaking women who has, yes you guessed it, a baby and a little kid. The question is, are they brats? Actually they seem fine so far. So I get settled in for a nice five hour plus flight.
TIMELINE 9:10 PM
We are well into the air and over the Pacific. The movie is about to start (Shrek 2, about as good as a in-flight movie can get) and I do a quick lavatory run to empty out the aforementioned pea sized bladder. I catch a glimpse of the Wife already passed out and my friends still up and ready to watch Shrek2. About three quarters of the plane is still up.
TIMELINE 11:30 PM
The movie is over and the captain has turned off the interior lights so that people can start sleeping (again, normal people anyway). There are about a dozen overhead lights on now, mine being one of them. I'm reading now but I want to start writing stuff but I keep thinking the guy next to me will try and read what I'm writing. I don't know why I am thinking this-As if this guy gives a shit about what I'm writing. I am mostly just afraid he'll look over and think what a dumb-ass I am for writing about being on a red-eye flight.
TIMELINE 12:45 PM
The baby across the isle has finally started to cry. I think I am the only one that is not bothered by this since I am the only fool in the area with his light on. There are actually twelve lights currently on in the entire plane.
TIMELINE 1:15 AM ( 4:15 LA time)
Out of approximately 300 people, I am now the only one with his light on. Yep I am the only loser who isn't trying to sleep. I'm still worried the guy next to me is looking at my writing even though he has his head buried in his hands-probably thinking "I wish this jack-ass would turn off his fuckin light."
TIMELINE 4:55 AM (now switched to LA time)
The Captain has announced that we are getting ready to land and everybody needs to wake the hell up. I'm the only person to have kept his light on the whole flight. I don't know if I should feel proud or stupid.
In the end, I'm not sure why I decided to write about sitting through a red-eye flight being the only person who tried to stay awake. Writing practice? Pass the time? To just piss off the guy next to me?
Nah, probably just to be an idiot.
8/12/2004
If Anybody Gives a Damn
If there is actually anybody who checks this blog regularly, other than my cousin Trent (yes, I told everyone you said "Hi.", Trent), you might like to know I won't be able to post anything for a week or so.
I will be going on "Vacation" (doing a stint in Corcoran State Prison) and won't be near a computer (I'll be in cell block B, bottom bunk, being Randal's 'bitch').
So please be kind and check back next week for more pseudo witty writing (please send a carton of smokes to me at Corcoran, or "The Cork", so I can trade it for some extra pudding).
Thanks Guys!
I will be going on "Vacation" (doing a stint in Corcoran State Prison) and won't be near a computer (I'll be in cell block B, bottom bunk, being Randal's 'bitch').
So please be kind and check back next week for more pseudo witty writing (please send a carton of smokes to me at Corcoran, or "The Cork", so I can trade it for some extra pudding).
Thanks Guys!
8/10/2004
THEY WERE GOING TO SHUT OFF THAT STRIPPER'S POWER, HONEY
Strip bars or "gentlemen clubs" (could there be a more contradictory description of guys going into a "gentleman's club"?) are in most cities. If your city doesn't have one, Las Vegas helps bring back up the national topless bar per city ratio your city is pulling down.
In Las Vegas there is a topless bar called "The Crazy Horse II". Apparently one crazy horse running around wasn't enough--just tell the cab driver "the deuce" (FYI). On a recent trip to a best friend's bachelor party, I happen to meander into "The Deuce". Purely for writing research mind you.
As odd or perfectly sane as it may sound, one of the best parts is telling a good looking girl who has just come up to you asking to "dance" for you, no thanks. When is there any other time that this happens? None, not even during a blue moon, leap year or a L.A. Clipper championship run. Sometimes they go away quickly looking for another sucker and sometimes you gotta start coming up with reasons. For example, "I'm too shy." " My wife would kill me." "My boyfriend is in the bathroom."--actually that one can back-fire sometimes.
But the most common stripper turn down line might be "I don't have enough money." That is a big mistake.
"You have a ATM card don't you?" the stripper asks. You say "Well, yea sure." The stripper replies "Don't worry, we can just run your card, the statement will just say The Power Company. So when your wife looks at the statement, you're okay."
The Power Company? Who the fuck thought that was a smart one to use? Who's town's utility company is just called The Power Company? And what woman is going to actually think you paid the power bill in Las Vegas at three in the morning?
I would love to hear an explanation by one of these guys: "Yea well ya see honey, we were all asleep in our hotel rooms when suddenly the front desk called and said they were a little short on the electricity bill and the only way to keep the power on was for one of the guests to donate eighty eight dollars. None of the other ass-holes wanted to help out so I stepped up and made the donation. I'm really a bit of a hero at the Luxor now. A true "gentleman" you might say."
In Las Vegas there is a topless bar called "The Crazy Horse II". Apparently one crazy horse running around wasn't enough--just tell the cab driver "the deuce" (FYI). On a recent trip to a best friend's bachelor party, I happen to meander into "The Deuce". Purely for writing research mind you.
As odd or perfectly sane as it may sound, one of the best parts is telling a good looking girl who has just come up to you asking to "dance" for you, no thanks. When is there any other time that this happens? None, not even during a blue moon, leap year or a L.A. Clipper championship run. Sometimes they go away quickly looking for another sucker and sometimes you gotta start coming up with reasons. For example, "I'm too shy." " My wife would kill me." "My boyfriend is in the bathroom."--actually that one can back-fire sometimes.
But the most common stripper turn down line might be "I don't have enough money." That is a big mistake.
"You have a ATM card don't you?" the stripper asks. You say "Well, yea sure." The stripper replies "Don't worry, we can just run your card, the statement will just say The Power Company. So when your wife looks at the statement, you're okay."
The Power Company? Who the fuck thought that was a smart one to use? Who's town's utility company is just called The Power Company? And what woman is going to actually think you paid the power bill in Las Vegas at three in the morning?
I would love to hear an explanation by one of these guys: "Yea well ya see honey, we were all asleep in our hotel rooms when suddenly the front desk called and said they were a little short on the electricity bill and the only way to keep the power on was for one of the guests to donate eighty eight dollars. None of the other ass-holes wanted to help out so I stepped up and made the donation. I'm really a bit of a hero at the Luxor now. A true "gentleman" you might say."
8/04/2004
Friggin Enough Already
Quincy, Qunicy, Quincy. I have heard enough about it.
Freshly former Dallas QB, Quincy Carter, has been cut for unknown reasons (coke cokie coke cokesters…allegedly). With all of the coverage of this, you would think the Vatican released the Pope.
Sportscenter spent it’s first five minuets on it (they of course came back to the story later). Dan Patrick spent almost his whole three hour radio show on the story. It was one of the lead stories on my Yahoo page-although one of the other stories was the best 80’s cover songs, so maybe that’s a bad example.
Do you think if the Jacksonville Jaguars released their mildly talented QB there would be so much press? (And nooo, I can’t think of Jacksonville’s starting quarterback and I feel good about it). The answer is no, there wouldn’t be nearly the press
I understand the reason for all of the coverage. It’s the Cowboys, Parsells, J. Jones, “America’s Team”. Are they still “America’s Team”? Is God still looking through that damn hole in the stadium? NO GOD OF MINE DAMMIT!
My God is busy with watching out for Marshall Faulk to make sure he stays healthy this year. For Mark Bulger to become the bad-ass that Dieter Brock never could be….Wait, what was I talking about?...Oh yea, cokeheads (allegedly).
Attention national media…we all don’t give that much of a damn about nose candy quarterback’s getting dumped during training camp…allegedly.
Freshly former Dallas QB, Quincy Carter, has been cut for unknown reasons (coke cokie coke cokesters…allegedly). With all of the coverage of this, you would think the Vatican released the Pope.
Sportscenter spent it’s first five minuets on it (they of course came back to the story later). Dan Patrick spent almost his whole three hour radio show on the story. It was one of the lead stories on my Yahoo page-although one of the other stories was the best 80’s cover songs, so maybe that’s a bad example.
Do you think if the Jacksonville Jaguars released their mildly talented QB there would be so much press? (And nooo, I can’t think of Jacksonville’s starting quarterback and I feel good about it). The answer is no, there wouldn’t be nearly the press
I understand the reason for all of the coverage. It’s the Cowboys, Parsells, J. Jones, “America’s Team”. Are they still “America’s Team”? Is God still looking through that damn hole in the stadium? NO GOD OF MINE DAMMIT!
My God is busy with watching out for Marshall Faulk to make sure he stays healthy this year. For Mark Bulger to become the bad-ass that Dieter Brock never could be….Wait, what was I talking about?...Oh yea, cokeheads (allegedly).
Attention national media…we all don’t give that much of a damn about nose candy quarterback’s getting dumped during training camp…allegedly.
8/03/2004
Don't EXPECT Anything From This Review!
MY REVIEW OF "THE VILLAGE"
Expectations. It's what most of us have going into a big, widely talked about, movie. Especially a movie that is made by writer/director M. Night Shyamalan. Just in case you don't know, he is the filmmaker behind Sixth Sense, Unbreakable (underrated movie!) and Signs.
I luckily went into this movie with little expectations and came out entertained. The Village didn't go where I expected it to go but that is what happens with a M. Night movie. That is his shtick. Take you through a few twists and turns, all the while leaving a trail of bread crumbs for the audience to follow that eventually leads to the climatic ending.
The ending I found satisfying but many around me didn't. Not because it was bad necessarily, but because they 'expected' something else. Expected it to be scarier or for a certain character to be or do a certain thing (It's hard to talk about a movie like this without giving plot points away. At least for a hack writer like myself).
At one point I did become disappointed in the film. It started to feel like a well written Scooby-Doo episode only without all the "zoinks" and scooby snacks. But another one of M. Night's twists came along and got me back on track.
After it all, I found the movie to be well written, flawlessly acted, beautifully shot and worth the money. If you like character driven films that play with your movie thought process, go see this film. But if you go into movies expecting one thing and getting annoyed when it doesn't materialize, then don't go.
I expect nothing less.
Expectations. It's what most of us have going into a big, widely talked about, movie. Especially a movie that is made by writer/director M. Night Shyamalan. Just in case you don't know, he is the filmmaker behind Sixth Sense, Unbreakable (underrated movie!) and Signs.
I luckily went into this movie with little expectations and came out entertained. The Village didn't go where I expected it to go but that is what happens with a M. Night movie. That is his shtick. Take you through a few twists and turns, all the while leaving a trail of bread crumbs for the audience to follow that eventually leads to the climatic ending.
The ending I found satisfying but many around me didn't. Not because it was bad necessarily, but because they 'expected' something else. Expected it to be scarier or for a certain character to be or do a certain thing (It's hard to talk about a movie like this without giving plot points away. At least for a hack writer like myself).
At one point I did become disappointed in the film. It started to feel like a well written Scooby-Doo episode only without all the "zoinks" and scooby snacks. But another one of M. Night's twists came along and got me back on track.
After it all, I found the movie to be well written, flawlessly acted, beautifully shot and worth the money. If you like character driven films that play with your movie thought process, go see this film. But if you go into movies expecting one thing and getting annoyed when it doesn't materialize, then don't go.
I expect nothing less.
8/01/2004
Things Can Get Damn Funny Underwater!
THE FUNIEST SHOW YOUR NOT WATCHING!
Cartoon Network’s “Adult Swim” programming is shown late at night (or the beginning of the night for you drinkers…okay us drinkers) and has some of the funniest shows on television. The funniest might be Sealab 2021.
Sealab 2021 is something a little different. It takes the old classic dramatic early 1970’s series (Sealab 2020), keeps the characters and the animation but writes completely different stories and dialog. What was once a cheesy 70’s drama cartoon series, is now a crazy and hilarious cartoon for today.
Generally what may happen in an episode is the crew (assigned to exploring the possibility of underwater colonization) may start a debate about if they would put their brains in robot bodies. Or Affirmative Action promoting everyone to Captain. Or fighting giant squids over a toy oven. All the while a catastrophe threatens the colony, so Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn (the only smart and level one) has to save the day as the others are oblivious.
Check out the “Adult Swim” block of programming on the Cartoon Network. New Sealabs are shown Sunday nights. And if you have a issue with being an adult and watching “cartoons”, it’s really called a animated series…CAPTAIN.
Cartoon Network’s “Adult Swim” programming is shown late at night (or the beginning of the night for you drinkers…okay us drinkers) and has some of the funniest shows on television. The funniest might be Sealab 2021.
Sealab 2021 is something a little different. It takes the old classic dramatic early 1970’s series (Sealab 2020), keeps the characters and the animation but writes completely different stories and dialog. What was once a cheesy 70’s drama cartoon series, is now a crazy and hilarious cartoon for today.
Generally what may happen in an episode is the crew (assigned to exploring the possibility of underwater colonization) may start a debate about if they would put their brains in robot bodies. Or Affirmative Action promoting everyone to Captain. Or fighting giant squids over a toy oven. All the while a catastrophe threatens the colony, so Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn (the only smart and level one) has to save the day as the others are oblivious.
Check out the “Adult Swim” block of programming on the Cartoon Network. New Sealabs are shown Sunday nights. And if you have a issue with being an adult and watching “cartoons”, it’s really called a animated series…CAPTAIN.
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