The Big Wheeling Seventies

It’s inevitable that every Christmas, while wrapping gifts or tearing them open, you reminisce about gifts you got as a child. This year, for me, it was the Big Wheel.

The Big Wheel was an orange, red and I want to say…blue, plastic tricycle. It was the first “vehicle” that I owned. My first little bit of freedom, a cool way to go down the sidewalk. Not like the lame, bike with training wheels or holding your mommies hand way.

The best part was skidding. You get up a full head of steam, pick a driveway of somebody you didn’t like, and slam that front wheel sideways as hard as you can. If you left a nice black mark and got the old man in the house to glare at you from his front window, you’ve done your job.

I thought I was pretty damn cool with my Big Wheel—but then came the Green Machine. It was bigger and had a hand brake and well…it was green. It seemed like the most expensive piece of equipment ever engineered.

It was the bike for the “elite” neighborhood kid, who was better known as the asshole or “poop-head” of the block. Or the kid compensating for a small penis even though he didn’t know about the whole big penis envy thing yet. It’s now called “Humvieitis”.

Even after I learned how to ride a bike, I still rode my Big Wheel more often times than not. One of the last memories I have of my Big Wheeler was riding it when I was probably fifty pounds over the recommended weight for a rider. So basically it was last year.

I guess I would say that the Big Wheel was the greatest toy of the seventies, if not OF ALL TIME! Wait, Electric Football came out then didn’t it?

IT'S A DEMOCRATIC CHRISTMAS

Have you ever wondered, (when holiday shopping in Target, buying socks from grandma and a new Playstation game for yourself) "What political party does this Target donate to the most?"

What's that? You haven't? Yea me neither. But if you are curious, go to choosetheblue.com .
There you can find out if your favorite store, car maker, utility company, porn producer or even restaurant, contributes to your party more than the other.

I do warn you though, you may become very disappointed to find out that some of your favorite places donate to the wrong party. Like, I found out that Taco Bell donates 83% to the Republican Party. So now I guess I'm going to have to get people to buy me my Taco Bell. Would that still count?

Sonic Drive-in donates 100% to the Democratic Party though. Think there is any chance Sonic will start making Gordita Crunches?

Is Santa Outsourcing Jobs?

Zogby International did a pole involving what political party people think the Grinch, Santa and Ebenezer Scrooge are in. Here is what they thought:

Ebenezer Scrooge.........Republican. That one is obvious--an old white guy with lots of money. But what is he after he changes into nice and giving Ebenezer on Christmas morning. A flip-flopping damn liberal that's what!

Santa Claus.......Democrat. Okay, I get it. He is a giving guy, no matter if you are poor or not. But he does run a monopoly type business. And I don't know how much he is paying those elves but I get the sense that it's next to nothing. At least he isn't outsourcing work overseas...or is he? I called the 1-800 Santa customer service center the other day and I got an "elf" that called himself "Steve" but had a real think Indian accent.

The Grinch......Republican. This just shows how two-party-happy we are. It's so obvious he is a Libertarian. He's got that "Everybody do what they want but be quiet about it and just leave me the fuck alone!" thing down.


*Check out the full details of the poll here.

SOMEBODY GIVE ME A RIDE TO AA!

This is a message that was on my machine last weekend. Keep in mind I don't know this person or George and my number is stated on my out going message:

1:00 a.m.(Slurring)
"Georgie, it's Cheryl. Give me a call back at the number you see across your phone or just come pick me up....or just come down or do something god-dammit....now...bye."

Okay, so 'Cheryl' is drunk, needs a ride home from George and called the wrong number; no big deal right?
THIS IS LIKE THE FIFTEENTH TIME SHE HAS CALLED MY HOUSE FOR GEORGE, OVER MANY MONTHS.

It's always late and she is always looking for George and she always sounds drunk. The times I've talked to her, I just say you have the wrong number. At first I didn't think she had the wrong number. I just thought this George guy met Cheryl at a bar and gave my number to her as a fake. But now I just think George's number is really close to mine and Cheryl's drunk ass can't dial correctly.

The best calls are when she has called earlier asking for a ride and then calls back at 4:00 a.m. pissed off at George because he hasn't shown up. Poor old George doesn't even know she has called. I just wonder what she says to George the next day, "Hey ass-hole, why didn't you pick me up last night?" George says "I didn't get any calls last night." Cheryl replies "Bullshit, you were screening last night."

I figure this Georgie guy must be her brother because I don't know any guy who would be letting his girlfriend go drinking without him, every weekend, and then come pick her stumbling booze hound ass up.

Maybe one night, I'll pick up the phone and pretend I'm George, ask where she is at, and come pick her up.
I'll bet George would really appreciate it. And Cheryl will have a story to tell when she enters AA.

FASTBALLS ARE FASCIST

I first thought about fascism when I saw the movie "Bull Durham". Crash Davis said that fastballs are "Boring and besides that they're fascist." I wasn't absolutely sure what fascism was, I just thought it had something to do with politics and telling everybody 'This is how it is, you have no choice in the matter.'

Now, you would think I learned about fascism in high school or something but I was to preoccupied with worrying that, at any moment, I might have to get up in front of the class while I still had a boner.

So with all of my worry over 'random wood', I think I missed the fascism lesson. So now I have found --thanks to Trent (still somehow single ladies). Email me and I will send you his picture-- a great piece on how we (America) have become a fascist country. No matter what your political view, read it with an open mind by clicking HERE!

Did you read it? No? Ahhh, come on, you can't look at porn 24/7. Take just a minute and learn something. Okay, if you read the fascism PDF, you can take a look at these two hot porn stars here!

AUDIBLE FLUX TALKS TO HOWARD STERN

Well, I kinda talked to Howard. But as it turns out, I am one of the last.

Being the geek that I am, I go on a few web-site message boards. My favorites are http://www.viewaskew.com (Kevin Smith's) and http://www.howardstern.com . Every once in a while, Howard and Kevin will go on the boards and answer some stuff and talk to people.

The other night Howard got online (the message board's front page will tell you who is online) at the same time I was. He was on-line to check if people had questions for him to address, during his Letterman appearance, about his move to satellite radio.

I quickly wrote something out that I was wondering about and that I thought he would answer. And to my amazement, he replied to my message. Here it is: (I'm wifflefresno...duh)
Howard Stern
The Howard Stern Show

Reply Options

Yesterday, 5:16:53 PM

Quote
Originally Posted by wifflefresno
When you are on Letterman (if you aren't goin to already) lets us in on what your sirius channel will have. Will you keep replaying that day's show on the channel so you can hear it if you can't listen live?

GREAT SHOW HOWIE AND GOOD LUCK!

Howard Stern
I am developing the three channels...the channel I am on will repeat my show (not sure how many times) and have other original programming...I am so anxious to get it all going.. it is so the future...I have Sirius on in my apartment 24/7 and the thing fucking rocks...lots of great stuff...cool listening to the jet game and watching the scores roll across...that technology will be put to good use...


The King Of All Media talking with the King Of All Geeks. What a country...a dorky, sick, perverted, run by Christian families country, but a country none the less.

UPDATE:
Howard's board has now been shut off. If you have ever been on there, you can kinda see why (some poster's got pretty twisted). But I think it might of got shut down because Howard just didn't want to deal with the shear volume of people on there.

Too many people on the website; I wish I had that problem...(sigh, tear).

METAL AND MOSH, LIKE P. B. AND JELLY

A mosh pit can be a beautiful thing; whether you are in it or not.

I was recently at a KORN/CHEVELLE concert. It was a general admission show which is increasingly rare nowadays, given all the mayhem, injuries and even death they can cause.

If you are at a G.A. show and the band is at all hard rock or metal, a pit or two will always break out. When I was in my concert going hey-day, pits were a big thing. I always thought that pits would kinda be a passing concert fad. But Fresno Korn/Chevelle fans showed me that pits are alive and well.

I went to the concert with my friend Aaron. We are too old to be getting in pits anymore. But due to our late arrival to the show (pre-concert drinking) they wouldn't let us down on the floor anyway. I guess our old 90's concert reps preceded us.

With the floor being too full, we were forced to the second level on the side of the stage. Terrible spot to hear the show but it's a great vantage point for watching the crowd.

Mosh pits had already been happening prior to Korn, but once the boys hit the stage--it was on! The crowd was immediately at fever pitch. Several 'pits' were in full swing and the rest of the crowd was in full metal moshing mode.

It really is an amazing sight. A flood of people, looking like ants after their nest has been disrupted. It made me long for being in the mosh pit.

You may think that mosh pits just consist of big dudes just looking to flatten people. And though there are a couple of those guys, most moshers are just looking to have a good time. There is even a etiquette in 'the pit'. Even when somebody gets knocked down, somebody else picks them up and nobody trys to step on them. And much of the time, a good hit is followed by hugs at the songs end.

Maybe one day, even in my older age and small stature, I'll try getting in a pit again. Just so I can feel, even for just a night, like a young, beautiful, ant-metal-head at fever pitch.

VADER LIVES!

When you are a 'geek', 'fanboy', 'madchild' like myself, you worry about different things than most people.

When I first learned that George Lucas was going to film the first three movies of the Star Wars series, or the "prequels", this is what I worried about; Is James Earl Jones (voice of Darth Vader)going to live long enough to make it to the last movie, where his voice will be needed?

I didn't think about if his family will miss him or that the acting community will be losing a great talent, I thought; "That would really FUCK UP Star Wars III (now titled "Revenge Of The Sith")." Well I no longer have to worry because James Earl is still around and 'Revenge' is "in the can".

"Revenge of the Sith" will feature how Anikian Skywalker "dies" and resurrects himself as Darth Vader. I have been waiting to see this ever since Luke was told --a long time ago in a galaxy far far away -- that Vader "killed" his father.

Below is a link to the latest trailer for Episode III. If you are a Star Wars fan and this trailer doesn't get friggin hyped as hell, well then aaahh, I guess you are not a Star Wars fan.
PUNCH IT CHEWIE

Give it a few to download and then come back and tell me what you think in the comments.

Don't Blame Me, Blame Kevin Smith

If anybody, unrelated to me, reads this blog on a regular basis -- What is wrong with you? There must be better ways to waste your time. Maybe re-setting your automatic sprinkler timer or something.

And if you actually enjoy my writing (or don't enjoy -- more likely) you have Kevin Smith to blame.

I only got interested in writing, mostly, because of Kevin. I really connected with his writing (screenwriting and comic book). I also thought it was really cool how he would use his friends in all his movies (wink wink Derek).

So one day, I got fired up and started writing unfinished screenplay's, lame blogs, and various stalkerish letters. I have only looked back like a couple dozen times since.

Speaking of Kevin Smith, here is a link to some really funny PSA's on registering and voting, that Kevin directed. They played on Comedy Central. If you missed them, check them out by clicking Kevin Smith PSA's.

Wal-Mart Sells Evil...But It's Cheap!

The next time you go to Wal-Mart (or Sprawl-Mart as The Simpsons appropriately call it) and you are looking to get some paint ball equipment or a new spare tire, think about this;
Wal-Mart couldn’t give a damn about their employees.

Here is just a small example of the politics that Wal-Mart gets involved in. Wal-Mart contributed $650,000 to the campaign against California Proposition 72, which would have required employers (Sprawl-Mart) to pay for their workers’ health insurance. Wal-Mart helped defeat it by the way.

Wal-Mart has donated $153,000 to the Californian Republican party in the past two years, spent more than $1 million in March to convince Contra Costa County voters to kill an ordinance that would have effectively banned Wal-Mart supercenters—that’s their grocery store/regular Wal-Mart (beer, motor oil and bullets all in one trip).

Actually, Wal-Mart lost one recently after it spent $1 mil to pass a measure that would permit Wal-Mart to build a supercenter in Ingelwood without undergoing the usual environmental reviews.

All this and they pay their employees some of the lowest in wages and benefits in the industry.

So when you are in Wal-Mart sometime soon, think about how you are getting that 50 cents less on the latest Tim McGraw disc or car battery (Is there a Tim McGraw endorsed car battery?).

Hopefully that "thinking" stuff will stop you from buying that Tim McGraw album all together.

What Would Yoda Do?

Hypocrite. That’s what I am. I think of the “Right” as being closed minded, uninformed and just plain wrong. Maybe I am the one who is closed minded, who is uninformed and, dare I say, wrong.

I‘ve always felt like the Republicans are the “Dark Side” and I (a Democrat) am on the good side of "The Force" (Is "the force" supposed to be capitalized?..Who knows). Democrats with Luke and Chewie, Republicans are with Darth Vader and the Emperor. Actually I am probably more like a Ewok but think I’m Han Solo.

The problem is, even though we Dems may truly believe we are on the good side of the Force, so do the Republicans. Right or wrong, that is what we both believe. Now, for the next four years, it is up the Democrats to convince the American public that they are right. But how do you pull somebody back to the good side of “the force”?....

•Show Americans how bad the Republicans are with the environment. I just hear Dems talk about it, give me specific examples and keep at it. Republicans aren’t going to look at this for themselves, if it isn’t in front of their face, they assume everything is fine. Don’t just say we are going to have a 10% fossil fuel reduction in 2038 or some other meaningless number, say we demand 10% now and 50% in two years. Go big!

•Keep out of big corporations pockets. Even if Democrats are in socially better pockets than Republicans, you can’t be hypocrites on this. Don’t give the “Dark Side” ammo (don’t give in to hate).

•Explain to everybody, plainly, how the deficit is adversely affecting us. It’s very easy for Republicans to ignore because they don’t see it being a problem. “Give me my tax cut, I don’t care how you do it.”

•Somehow people have to be reminded that we have a separation of Church and State in this country. We have somehow forgotten. Even Senator Palpatine (Star Wars character) didn’t call upon the Force when running for the Senate.

•Stop trying to be like a different version of the Republicans. You have to go your own way and show why it’s the best way (light sabers good, blasters bad).

Democrats must change. We can’t show up in 2008 with the same game. If we do, there may never be balance brought back to the Force.

I Can't Stop Looking At The Monkeys

Not that anybody has been waiting for it, but I will give a rundown on the Election results later.

I like to try and interject humor (I did say try) with my observations and I am just to bitter and afraid of what this country is going to be like after another four years of Bush polices, to interject humor--except for this...

LISTEN UP NETWORKS! For the love of all that is un-annoying TV watching, stop having news sets with windows that look out to the street where people are gathered around, looking to get on TV.

These people stand back there looking like jack-asses and I can't help but watch what they are doing. I start drifting away from what is being talked about and just look at the dorks in the back.

Why is this necessary? Are the ratings better when you have people in the background looking like monkeys as opposed to a non-monkey background?

I think the only way to stop this is if somebody does something real vulgar. I'm not sure if flipping the bird would be enough.

We need some full frontal nudity. While watching CNN, I saw a girl lift up her top enough to show some writing on her midsection. That was a step in the right direction, but I think maybe we need (and it pains me to say it) some slongs to peak out. Nothin that would make me feel inadequate mind you, just big enough that it could be seen on camera.

Maybe monkey size.

I'm Gambling On America's Future

Being a "social" gambler (whatever the hell that means), I always find it interesting what odds Vegas has for non-sport events and what not (the sporting odds are pretty interesting too). The only thing they left out is a line on Florida screwing this whole election up.

Courtesy of americasline.com.

2004 PRESIDENTIAL ODDS

October 31 , 2004

By BENJAMIN ECKSTEIN, President & DAVID SCOTT, Senior Analyst
Americasline.com

ODDS TO WIN PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

ODDS TO BE ELECTED
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN 2004

Name Party Title Odds
*George W. Bush (R) President -120
John Kerry (D) Massachusetts Senator EVEN

ODDS ON POPULAR AND ELECTORAL VOTE RESULTS

Bush wins popular vote and electoral vote 4/5
Bush wins popular vote, Kerry wins electoral vote 8/1
Kerry wins popular vote and electoral vote EVEN
Kerry wins popular vote, Bush wins electoral vote 20/1

ODDS OF AN ELECTORAL VOTE TIE

Bush and Kerry each get 269 electoral votes 20/1

HOW MANY STATES WILL BUSH CARRY

over 29 1/2 -110
under 29 1/2 -110

JOHN KERRY STATES WON VS

TOTAL POINTS BY CARMELO ANTHONY

(Tuesday, November 2 game)

John Kerry + 2 1/2 -115
Carmelo Anthony -2 1/2 -115

GEORGE BUSH STATES WON VS

TOTAL POINTS BY KOBE BRYANT

(Tuesday, November 2 game)

George Bush +1 1/2 -115
Kobe Bryant -1 1/2 -115


*I hope Vegas is wrong but, unfortunately, they usually aren't.

If you are registered to vote and you don't want Bush Jr., please get your ass out there and vote Tuesday--I've got a 'hundy' on it.

Don't Support Troop Supporters!

As I drove through Fresno's A #1 intersection Blackstone and Shaw, (this is where groups in Fresno tend to come out and protest or support things), I saw a group of "supporters". They were called Republican women for something.

They had signs with things like "Honk if you support our troops". I can't stand that. Republicans always pull that statement out.

WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T SUPPORT OUR TROOPS?

They always infer that they are the ones that support our troops and if you don't support the war, you don't support our troops. Even a pacifist supports the troops. It's almost slanderous.

The real signs they should be holding is "Honk if you support the war". A war protestor is actually fighting for the troops to come home alive, ya dipshit's. Somebody who is pro war is actually "supporting" more troops to die....HELLOOOO???

Ashlee Simpson Can't Even Lip-Sync!

This is just too funny to pass up. Did you catch Saturday Night Live last weekend? If not (or maybe you just feel asleep like me) you missed a once in a season (or more) moment.

Ashlee (Yes, that's how she spells Ashley) Simpson, the SNL musical guest (I use the term musical loosely) totally screwed-up her second song (by the way, she was obviously lip-synching on her first song). Either her band started playing a song that surprised her or the lip-sync track was off and played the first song, but she became a deer in the headlights and just walked (actually she did a "ho-down") off stage.

I think SNL is going to start making sure they don't book un-professionals anymore.

Funny-ass shit. Click the link below to see it!

Simpson Screw-up

AUDIBLE FLUX COMES THROUGH FOR U!

The sad thing is she blames her band in the end. They were the only ones being professional and going on with the show. "Ashlee" just slinked away.

I Am Very Talented...at video games

It’s the first, of what will likely be many, “I have writer’s block, even though there is no such thing, post”.

This will be the official picture for these posts. It represents how I can’t think of anything good to write about so I am going to just post this lame picture.

I actually don’t think writer’s block exists. “Writer’s block” really just breaks down like this:
• The story/idea you are working simply sucks and you should just move on (I MOVE ON A LOT!)
• You haven’t researched your idea enough…you just haven’t worked hard enough (BIG LAZY-ASS MO-FO).
• Being too much of a perfectionist. (WHAT’S A PErFECTtIONST?)
• Plain have no talent (YO!).

Current reason for the lack of a new post falls under the “lazy” category. I’ve been working to much this week and I decided to use what little down time I had to play video games…like so many other great “talents”.

Audible Flux Expands For Lame Reasons!

I have decided (given the deluge of non-existent emails asking me to give more of my thoughts on sports) to start a sports blog.

Being a big sports fan, it would only seem logical I would be writing more stuff about sports on Audible Flux. But I realize not everybody wants to read about sports stuff (not that anybody gives a crap about reading most of the regular stuff on here), so I have tried to keep sports thoughts to a minimum.

Well now (regardless of the Audible Flux reader apathy) I have a second blog to show off my geek-boy writing. Be on the look out for heavy coverage of all the big influential and relevant leagues like the NHL, USFL, Indoor Soccer League, XFL and Fresno Wiffleball League.

Come check it out at SportsFlux!

Know How To Make A White Russian?

If you like the movie The Big Lebowski, what the hell is wrong with you? You should LOVE The Big Lebowski!

Do you love drinking as well? Here is the game for you! But be careful, if you play this game like it tells you to, YOU MAY DIE!

The beginning of the movie Entire cup or beer
Dude smokes pot 2 drinks
Walter mentions Vietnam 1 drink
Donny says dude 1 drink
Someone bowls a strike 2 drinks
You see George Bush 5 drinks
Every time Dude drinks a White Russian 1 drink
Every time the Dude wears Jellies 2 drinks
Every time a weapon is in the film 1 drink
Every time Walter says Shomer Shabbas 1 drink
The Dude rides in a car (not driving) 1 drink
Every time Flea is in the picture 1 drink
Song on soundtrack starts 1 drink
Every time the dude puts on sunglasses 1 drink
Everytime someone says gold bricker 2 drinks
End of movie Finish what is left

(Inventors: Matt, TJ, Dan, Andrew, Jared FSU Deviney Hall 2000-2001)

Please let AUDIBLE FLUX know if you actually have played this game and what hospital you were taken to.

Under The Influence

Yes I see that the document has been altered (the date of birth is filled out wrong) but I swear it's from a legit source (insert Nightline joke here). Okay, my cousin sent it to me. But trust me, he is a honest guy! (he is also single ladies!)

I'm a forgiving person so I can overlook this little Bush screw-up. I mean G.W. was in Kenneebunkport for crying out loud. That is one big-ass party town! Everybody would drink and drive around there, it's just what ya did.

SHE'S A MAGIC MOUNTAIN!

AUDIBLE FLUX: RETRO FLUX

This is the first of a regular topic I will be trying; it’s called a “retro topic”. The premise is if blogs existed in the 80’s, this is something I might write about. And my first topic is, of course, the band Winger.

You remember Kip and his sexy-ass bass antics. I bet you also remember the song Seventeen.

I was thinking, if that song were released today, Kip probably would be arrested (wasn’t Kip like 33 at the time?) and the F.C.C. would have fined Clear Channel for playing the song. Here are some of the Lyrics, for those who don’t remember.

And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
I'm only seventeen,(KIP, SHE’S TELLIN YOU MAN…WALK AWAY NOW KIP!)
but I'll show you love like you've never seen
She's only seventeen, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me
Come to my place, we can talk it over, oh everything going down in your head
She said take it easy, I need some time, time to work it out, to make you mine
And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
I'm only seventeen, you ain't seen love, ain't seen nothing like me
She's only seventeen, seventeen

If those lyrics don’t scare you, take a look at some more disturbing ones that show up later:
She's a magic mountain, she's a leather glove
I’ve got chills.