Being a "social" gambler (whatever the hell that means), I always find it interesting what odds Vegas has for non-sport events and what not (the sporting odds are pretty interesting too). The only thing they left out is a line on Florida screwing this whole election up.
Courtesy of americasline.com.
2004 PRESIDENTIAL ODDS
October 31 , 2004
By BENJAMIN ECKSTEIN, President & DAVID SCOTT, Senior Analyst
Americasline.com
ODDS TO WIN PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
ODDS TO BE ELECTED
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN 2004
Name Party Title Odds
*George W. Bush (R) President -120
John Kerry (D) Massachusetts Senator EVEN
ODDS ON POPULAR AND ELECTORAL VOTE RESULTS
Bush wins popular vote and electoral vote 4/5
Bush wins popular vote, Kerry wins electoral vote 8/1
Kerry wins popular vote and electoral vote EVEN
Kerry wins popular vote, Bush wins electoral vote 20/1
ODDS OF AN ELECTORAL VOTE TIE
Bush and Kerry each get 269 electoral votes 20/1
HOW MANY STATES WILL BUSH CARRY
over 29 1/2 -110
under 29 1/2 -110
JOHN KERRY STATES WON VS
TOTAL POINTS BY CARMELO ANTHONY
(Tuesday, November 2 game)
John Kerry + 2 1/2 -115
Carmelo Anthony -2 1/2 -115
GEORGE BUSH STATES WON VS
TOTAL POINTS BY KOBE BRYANT
(Tuesday, November 2 game)
George Bush +1 1/2 -115
Kobe Bryant -1 1/2 -115
*I hope Vegas is wrong but, unfortunately, they usually aren't.
If you are registered to vote and you don't want Bush Jr., please get your ass out there and vote Tuesday--I've got a 'hundy' on it.
10/31/2004
10/30/2004
Don't Support Troop Supporters!
As I drove through Fresno's A #1 intersection Blackstone and Shaw, (this is where groups in Fresno tend to come out and protest or support things), I saw a group of "supporters". They were called Republican women for something.
They had signs with things like "Honk if you support our troops". I can't stand that. Republicans always pull that statement out.
WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T SUPPORT OUR TROOPS?
They always infer that they are the ones that support our troops and if you don't support the war, you don't support our troops. Even a pacifist supports the troops. It's almost slanderous.
The real signs they should be holding is "Honk if you support the war". A war protestor is actually fighting for the troops to come home alive, ya dipshit's. Somebody who is pro war is actually "supporting" more troops to die....HELLOOOO???
They had signs with things like "Honk if you support our troops". I can't stand that. Republicans always pull that statement out.
WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T SUPPORT OUR TROOPS?
They always infer that they are the ones that support our troops and if you don't support the war, you don't support our troops. Even a pacifist supports the troops. It's almost slanderous.
The real signs they should be holding is "Honk if you support the war". A war protestor is actually fighting for the troops to come home alive, ya dipshit's. Somebody who is pro war is actually "supporting" more troops to die....HELLOOOO???
10/24/2004
Ashlee Simpson Can't Even Lip-Sync!
This is just too funny to pass up. Did you catch Saturday Night Live last weekend? If not (or maybe you just feel asleep like me) you missed a once in a season (or more) moment.
Ashlee (Yes, that's how she spells Ashley) Simpson, the SNL musical guest (I use the term musical loosely) totally screwed-up her second song (by the way, she was obviously lip-synching on her first song). Either her band started playing a song that surprised her or the lip-sync track was off and played the first song, but she became a deer in the headlights and just walked (actually she did a "ho-down") off stage.
I think SNL is going to start making sure they don't book un-professionals anymore.
Funny-ass shit. Click the link below to see it!
Simpson Screw-up
AUDIBLE FLUX COMES THROUGH FOR U!
The sad thing is she blames her band in the end. They were the only ones being professional and going on with the show. "Ashlee" just slinked away.
Ashlee (Yes, that's how she spells Ashley) Simpson, the SNL musical guest (I use the term musical loosely) totally screwed-up her second song (by the way, she was obviously lip-synching on her first song). Either her band started playing a song that surprised her or the lip-sync track was off and played the first song, but she became a deer in the headlights and just walked (actually she did a "ho-down") off stage.
I think SNL is going to start making sure they don't book un-professionals anymore.
Funny-ass shit. Click the link below to see it!
Simpson Screw-up
AUDIBLE FLUX COMES THROUGH FOR U!
The sad thing is she blames her band in the end. They were the only ones being professional and going on with the show. "Ashlee" just slinked away.
10/22/2004
I Am Very Talented...at video games
It’s the first, of what will likely be many, “I have writer’s block, even though there is no such thing, post”.
This will be the official picture for these posts. It represents how I can’t think of anything good to write about so I am going to just post this lame picture.
I actually don’t think writer’s block exists. “Writer’s block” really just breaks down like this:
• The story/idea you are working simply sucks and you should just move on (I MOVE ON A LOT!)
• You haven’t researched your idea enough…you just haven’t worked hard enough (BIG LAZY-ASS MO-FO).
• Being too much of a perfectionist. (WHAT’S A PErFECTtIONST?)
• Plain have no talent (YO!).
Current reason for the lack of a new post falls under the “lazy” category. I’ve been working to much this week and I decided to use what little down time I had to play video games…like so many other great “talents”.
10/14/2004
Audible Flux Expands For Lame Reasons!
I have decided (given the deluge of non-existent emails asking me to give more of my thoughts on sports) to start a sports blog.
Being a big sports fan, it would only seem logical I would be writing more stuff about sports on Audible Flux. But I realize not everybody wants to read about sports stuff (not that anybody gives a crap about reading most of the regular stuff on here), so I have tried to keep sports thoughts to a minimum.
Well now (regardless of the Audible Flux reader apathy) I have a second blog to show off my geek-boy writing. Be on the look out for heavy coverage of all the big influential and relevant leagues like the NHL, USFL, Indoor Soccer League, XFL and Fresno Wiffleball League.
Come check it out at SportsFlux!
Being a big sports fan, it would only seem logical I would be writing more stuff about sports on Audible Flux. But I realize not everybody wants to read about sports stuff (not that anybody gives a crap about reading most of the regular stuff on here), so I have tried to keep sports thoughts to a minimum.
Well now (regardless of the Audible Flux reader apathy) I have a second blog to show off my geek-boy writing. Be on the look out for heavy coverage of all the big influential and relevant leagues like the NHL, USFL, Indoor Soccer League, XFL and Fresno Wiffleball League.
Come check it out at SportsFlux!
10/11/2004
Know How To Make A White Russian?
If you like the movie The Big Lebowski, what the hell is wrong with you? You should LOVE The Big Lebowski!
Do you love drinking as well? Here is the game for you! But be careful, if you play this game like it tells you to, YOU MAY DIE!
The beginning of the movie Entire cup or beer
Dude smokes pot 2 drinks
Walter mentions Vietnam 1 drink
Donny says dude 1 drink
Someone bowls a strike 2 drinks
You see George Bush 5 drinks
Every time Dude drinks a White Russian 1 drink
Every time the Dude wears Jellies 2 drinks
Every time a weapon is in the film 1 drink
Every time Walter says Shomer Shabbas 1 drink
The Dude rides in a car (not driving) 1 drink
Every time Flea is in the picture 1 drink
Song on soundtrack starts 1 drink
Every time the dude puts on sunglasses 1 drink
Everytime someone says gold bricker 2 drinks
End of movie Finish what is left
(Inventors: Matt, TJ, Dan, Andrew, Jared FSU Deviney Hall 2000-2001)
Please let AUDIBLE FLUX know if you actually have played this game and what hospital you were taken to.
10/08/2004
Under The Influence
Yes I see that the document has been altered (the date of birth is filled out wrong) but I swear it's from a legit source (insert Nightline joke here). Okay, my cousin sent it to me. But trust me, he is a honest guy! (he is also single ladies!)
I'm a forgiving person so I can overlook this little Bush screw-up. I mean G.W. was in Kenneebunkport for crying out loud. That is one big-ass party town! Everybody would drink and drive around there, it's just what ya did.
10/06/2004
SHE'S A MAGIC MOUNTAIN!
AUDIBLE FLUX: RETRO FLUX
This is the first of a regular topic I will be trying; it’s called a “retro topic”. The premise is if blogs existed in the 80’s, this is something I might write about. And my first topic is, of course, the band Winger.
You remember Kip and his sexy-ass bass antics. I bet you also remember the song Seventeen.
I was thinking, if that song were released today, Kip probably would be arrested (wasn’t Kip like 33 at the time?) and the F.C.C. would have fined Clear Channel for playing the song. Here are some of the Lyrics, for those who don’t remember.
And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
I'm only seventeen,(KIP, SHE’S TELLIN YOU MAN…WALK AWAY NOW KIP!)
but I'll show you love like you've never seen
She's only seventeen, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me
Come to my place, we can talk it over, oh everything going down in your head
She said take it easy, I need some time, time to work it out, to make you mine
And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
I'm only seventeen, you ain't seen love, ain't seen nothing like me
She's only seventeen, seventeen
If those lyrics don’t scare you, take a look at some more disturbing ones that show up later:
She's a magic mountain, she's a leather glove
I’ve got chills.
This is the first of a regular topic I will be trying; it’s called a “retro topic”. The premise is if blogs existed in the 80’s, this is something I might write about. And my first topic is, of course, the band Winger.
You remember Kip and his sexy-ass bass antics. I bet you also remember the song Seventeen.
I was thinking, if that song were released today, Kip probably would be arrested (wasn’t Kip like 33 at the time?) and the F.C.C. would have fined Clear Channel for playing the song. Here are some of the Lyrics, for those who don’t remember.
And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
I'm only seventeen,(KIP, SHE’S TELLIN YOU MAN…WALK AWAY NOW KIP!)
but I'll show you love like you've never seen
She's only seventeen, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me
Come to my place, we can talk it over, oh everything going down in your head
She said take it easy, I need some time, time to work it out, to make you mine
And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
I'm only seventeen, you ain't seen love, ain't seen nothing like me
She's only seventeen, seventeen
If those lyrics don’t scare you, take a look at some more disturbing ones that show up later:
She's a magic mountain, she's a leather glove
I’ve got chills.
10/05/2004
Fair and BIASED Reporting
AUDIBLE FLUX Headlines:Fox News reporter Paul Schur recently posted a fake story about John Kerry on the Fox News website. When the story was posted, it was posted as a real story. The story goes like this:
Shur reported that John Kerry, at an appearance after the debates, said to supporters "Didn't my nails look great? What a good debate!" "Women should like me! I do manicures."
The article also claimed that Kerry was comparing himself to G.W. Bush saying, "I'm metrosexual -- he's a cowboy."
If your going to post a fake story about Kerry, don't ya think you could post something better than that?
Fox News says it was a in-office joke that somehow got posted on to it's website and the reporter, Paul Schur, has been disciplined.
Okay but how the hell is this guy not getting fired? Isn't credibility the biggest thing a reporter should have. Now PAUL SCHUR has none. And by the way, it's not that easy to just "accidentally" post an article to a website. Especially a site as major as Fox News.
I think if Fox News was actually "fair and balanced" like they say they are, they would post a fake George Bush Jr. story. Maybe something like he's a homophobe and was a cocaine-head and has been caught drunk driving and is a "pro-lifer" but the biggest supporter of the death penalty...
...no wait, that wouldn't be fake -- It would be "FAIR AND BALANCED" though.
*Here is a link to the whole story
FAKE FOX NEWS REPORT
Shur reported that John Kerry, at an appearance after the debates, said to supporters "Didn't my nails look great? What a good debate!" "Women should like me! I do manicures."
The article also claimed that Kerry was comparing himself to G.W. Bush saying, "I'm metrosexual -- he's a cowboy."
If your going to post a fake story about Kerry, don't ya think you could post something better than that?
Fox News says it was a in-office joke that somehow got posted on to it's website and the reporter, Paul Schur, has been disciplined.
Okay but how the hell is this guy not getting fired? Isn't credibility the biggest thing a reporter should have. Now PAUL SCHUR has none. And by the way, it's not that easy to just "accidentally" post an article to a website. Especially a site as major as Fox News.
I think if Fox News was actually "fair and balanced" like they say they are, they would post a fake George Bush Jr. story. Maybe something like he's a homophobe and was a cocaine-head and has been caught drunk driving and is a "pro-lifer" but the biggest supporter of the death penalty...
...no wait, that wouldn't be fake -- It would be "FAIR AND BALANCED" though.
*Here is a link to the whole story
FAKE FOX NEWS REPORT
10/03/2004
The National Pastime is still Baseball
USA Today recently did one of their poll/graphs on what is the biggest spectator sport in the U.S. Of course it was Football with 23%. Baseball was 13%, NBA 10% and College Football came in at 7%.
It always pisses me off when I hear or see stuff about Football being the biggest sport. If Baseball was only played once a week like Football, Baseball would surely be the biggest. But this fact is always left out of the equation.
Could you imagine what it would be like if the Red Soxs and Yankees only played twice a year? How bout the Giants and Dodgers? The D-Rays and Tigers....well okay, that wouldn't be too great. But just think if the Cardinals and Lions played 15 times a year. Are you still pickin Football as America's sport?
It always pisses me off when I hear or see stuff about Football being the biggest sport. If Baseball was only played once a week like Football, Baseball would surely be the biggest. But this fact is always left out of the equation.
Could you imagine what it would be like if the Red Soxs and Yankees only played twice a year? How bout the Giants and Dodgers? The D-Rays and Tigers....well okay, that wouldn't be too great. But just think if the Cardinals and Lions played 15 times a year. Are you still pickin Football as America's sport?
9/28/2004
California Coastline Dreamin
Audible Flux Headlines: A series of earthquakes, one of them registering magnitude 5.9, shook central California on September 28, 2004
What a mess! That's your bad Karma from killin that deer dude! (note the deer head mounted on the wall)
Man! I always miss these things--well not always, but I missed this one. Most everybody else felt it in the Fresno area, but I was outside (and in Madera). It's a little harder to feel them when your not in a building (the small quakes anyway).
I am disappointed to miss this latest quake because they are really a cool experience (as long as nobody gets hurt that is).
Unlike other natural disasters, earthquakes come without warning. One moment your watching cartoons, or talking shit about a co-worker with somebody, or sitting on the can reading Maxim. Then, without any warning, the floor under you is rolling and stuff is rattling around you and your stomach gets a big knot because all your life (as a Californian) you have been told that the "Big One" will come someday and, for a few seconds, you think this might be it. The "Big One" will come and crumble life as you know it leaving Fresno with a coastline and LA underwater.
That would be so sweet....The Fresno coastline part that is. LA, San Diego, San Fran, Pismo Beach, they have all had the coastline for way too long! It's time for us people inland to get some of that Ocean air-you selfish Coastline bitches!
What a mess! That's your bad Karma from killin that deer dude! (note the deer head mounted on the wall)
Man! I always miss these things--well not always, but I missed this one. Most everybody else felt it in the Fresno area, but I was outside (and in Madera). It's a little harder to feel them when your not in a building (the small quakes anyway).
I am disappointed to miss this latest quake because they are really a cool experience (as long as nobody gets hurt that is).
Unlike other natural disasters, earthquakes come without warning. One moment your watching cartoons, or talking shit about a co-worker with somebody, or sitting on the can reading Maxim. Then, without any warning, the floor under you is rolling and stuff is rattling around you and your stomach gets a big knot because all your life (as a Californian) you have been told that the "Big One" will come someday and, for a few seconds, you think this might be it. The "Big One" will come and crumble life as you know it leaving Fresno with a coastline and LA underwater.
That would be so sweet....The Fresno coastline part that is. LA, San Diego, San Fran, Pismo Beach, they have all had the coastline for way too long! It's time for us people inland to get some of that Ocean air-you selfish Coastline bitches!
MICROBREW....MACRO HANGOVER!
Yes, I have a drinking problem. The problem is with the damn hangovers. And I have legendary hangovers. Last weekend was no exception.
But before I tell you that, nobody gets worse hangovers than me. Mine last for a full day, sometimes into the next. I puke all day, usually about every 45 minuets or so, until the late evening (it used to be just the morning but old age is creeping up on me).
I’ve never missed a day of work but I sure have missed plenty of classes, overstayed welcomes (because I couldn’t drive home puking ya know), had to pretend I had the flu at family gatherings, had GREEN things come out of me and last Sunday, miss a day of hanging around with my friends watching Football (Mike Martz sucks!).
I missed that day of Football because I underestimated the power of MICROBEER. When they say it’s 7.5 % alcohol, they ain’t shitin you! But you know I didn’t have anymore than anybody else did, but yet something chemical in my weak-ass, stomach of an infant, belly, went haywire. That 7.5% Sent me into a day long puke-fest the likes of which couldn’t be rivaled by the worst morning sickness.
The thing is, I’m not a rookie at drinking (my mom is so proud). I know how to drink and know I can get heavy duty hangovers at the drop of a pint glass. But yet that knowledge just floats out of my brain when the Micro beers start flowing. “It won’t happen this time.” I say to myself. “I haven’t been getting hangovers from those Ultra’s.” (I think they must just put a drop of alcohol in those.)
So remember kids, take it from a drunk who knows, just because the beer is from a Microbrewer doesn’t mean it won’t give you a big-ass hangover.
But before I tell you that, nobody gets worse hangovers than me. Mine last for a full day, sometimes into the next. I puke all day, usually about every 45 minuets or so, until the late evening (it used to be just the morning but old age is creeping up on me).
I’ve never missed a day of work but I sure have missed plenty of classes, overstayed welcomes (because I couldn’t drive home puking ya know), had to pretend I had the flu at family gatherings, had GREEN things come out of me and last Sunday, miss a day of hanging around with my friends watching Football (Mike Martz sucks!).
I missed that day of Football because I underestimated the power of MICROBEER. When they say it’s 7.5 % alcohol, they ain’t shitin you! But you know I didn’t have anymore than anybody else did, but yet something chemical in my weak-ass, stomach of an infant, belly, went haywire. That 7.5% Sent me into a day long puke-fest the likes of which couldn’t be rivaled by the worst morning sickness.
The thing is, I’m not a rookie at drinking (my mom is so proud). I know how to drink and know I can get heavy duty hangovers at the drop of a pint glass. But yet that knowledge just floats out of my brain when the Micro beers start flowing. “It won’t happen this time.” I say to myself. “I haven’t been getting hangovers from those Ultra’s.” (I think they must just put a drop of alcohol in those.)
So remember kids, take it from a drunk who knows, just because the beer is from a Microbrewer doesn’t mean it won’t give you a big-ass hangover.
9/20/2004
Real Time might be the best show on TV
I love great comedy writing (yes, that's why I hate my writing). It takes a lot of talent to write something funny and make a great point at the same time. Bill Maher and his staff at Real Time do a great job at this.
Here is a quote from Bill's last show (during his "New Rules" segment) that gives you an idea of what I'm talking about:
New Rule: Stop building "fuck-you-mobiles." A company called International is offering a pickup truck that is twice as heavy as the Hummer and so bad for the environment you can actually watch the sky falling in your rearview mirror. They call it the "image enhancer" for - quote - "folks who just want more." In other words, "assholes." But at a cost of a hundred grand, wouldn't it just be cheaper to go ahead and get the penis enlargement surgery?
It's funny because it's true. There are people or "assholes" out there, who actually buy vehicles just because they know it's pissing-off some enviromentalist. They don't even try and come up with that bull-shit primise of acutally NEEDING a vehicle that size because of their family (even though that family is just one bratty-ass kid).
Here is a quote from Bill's last show (during his "New Rules" segment) that gives you an idea of what I'm talking about:
New Rule: Stop building "fuck-you-mobiles." A company called International is offering a pickup truck that is twice as heavy as the Hummer and so bad for the environment you can actually watch the sky falling in your rearview mirror. They call it the "image enhancer" for - quote - "folks who just want more." In other words, "assholes." But at a cost of a hundred grand, wouldn't it just be cheaper to go ahead and get the penis enlargement surgery?
It's funny because it's true. There are people or "assholes" out there, who actually buy vehicles just because they know it's pissing-off some enviromentalist. They don't even try and come up with that bull-shit primise of acutally NEEDING a vehicle that size because of their family (even though that family is just one bratty-ass kid).
9/19/2004
9/15/2004
FINALLY, A Hurricane I Can Get Interested In!
THIS IS A DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT USUALLY THIS SELF CENTERED OR UN-FEELING TOWARDS PEOPLE IN HARMS WAY OR TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOST LOVE ONES. I AM SIMPLY FINDING HUMOR IN A SCREWED UP SITUATION (plus when your a struggling writer like myself, you've got to pimp out every thought in your head).
Headlines: Tropical Storm Bonnie Batters Florida
My thought?...Well I didn't have a thought, I was busy researching players for my Fantasy Football draft.
Headlines: Hurricane Charley Hits Florida
My thought?....Florida again huh...Why do people put trailer homes there?
Headlines: Hurricane Frances Deals It To Florida
My thought?...Damn that new Father Of The Pride show on NBC sucks ass!
Headlines: Hurricane Ivan Heading Towards New Orleans
My thought?...New Orleans? Oooohh cool. Now I am interested. That's a nice change up. I was getting so bored of those Florida ones. If girls pull up their top to Ivan, will the Hurricane spit out some beads?
Headlines: Tropical Storm Bonnie Batters Florida
My thought?...Well I didn't have a thought, I was busy researching players for my Fantasy Football draft.
Headlines: Hurricane Charley Hits Florida
My thought?....Florida again huh...Why do people put trailer homes there?
Headlines: Hurricane Frances Deals It To Florida
My thought?...Damn that new Father Of The Pride show on NBC sucks ass!
Headlines: Hurricane Ivan Heading Towards New Orleans
My thought?...New Orleans? Oooohh cool. Now I am interested. That's a nice change up. I was getting so bored of those Florida ones. If girls pull up their top to Ivan, will the Hurricane spit out some beads?
WWE RAW!
Most of you have probably seen this picture already but have you taken a good look at it?
Notice how the guys are mostly just laughing or have a "Oh cool!" look on their face. The girls have a "OH MY GOD!" expression. Whenever a fight breaks out at a game, the guys are like "Yes, a fight!" and girls are "I can't believe they are fighting."
-I like pointing out obvious stuff I guess.
9/13/2004
All My Rowdy Songs Are Coming Over Tonight
For years now, the start of every Monday Night Football Show begins with a modified version of Hank Williams song "All My Rowdy Friends are Coming Over Tonight". The song is now better know as the "Are you ready for some Football?" song. Every year the song changes a little and the video tries to become a little more "rowdy".
Do you think all Hank Williams does now is just re-write his song every year to fit the even "more rowdy" new season? I'm sure it must be tough finding the time to do that year after year with all of his big county fair tours throughout the year.
When fans go to his show, do they call out for Hank to do the Football song? Do they even remember the original version? Do fans clamor for specific year versions? "Hey Hank, play Are You Ready 99!" Or do fans talk about seeing him at different places "Yea Randall, I saw him play at my trailer park picnic area last October and he did the 2001 version-he tore it up! Let me tell ya, I was ready for some damn Football that night!"
Do you think all Hank Williams does now is just re-write his song every year to fit the even "more rowdy" new season? I'm sure it must be tough finding the time to do that year after year with all of his big county fair tours throughout the year.
When fans go to his show, do they call out for Hank to do the Football song? Do they even remember the original version? Do fans clamor for specific year versions? "Hey Hank, play Are You Ready 99!" Or do fans talk about seeing him at different places "Yea Randall, I saw him play at my trailer park picnic area last October and he did the 2001 version-he tore it up! Let me tell ya, I was ready for some damn Football that night!"
9/07/2004
The Orchid THIEF
In what should not be surprising news but still is, the movie "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid" is still number three at the box office and has made twenty four million so far. And I think that screenwriter Charlie Kaufman (he wrote the screenplay for the movie Adaptation) should be laughing his ass off at the movie's premise.
If you have not seen Adaptation here is the scene that shows why Kaufman should be chuckling:
VALERIE
So, tell me your thoughts on this
crazy little project of ours.
In one motion, Kaufman swabs his forehead and pulls a book
entitled The Orchid Thief from his bag.
KAUFMAN
First, I think it's a great book.
VALERIE
Laroche is a fun character, isn't he?
Kaufman nods, flips through the book, stalling. A photo of
author Susan Orlean smiles from the inside back cover.
KAUFMAN
Absolutely. And Orlean makes orchids so
fascinating. Plus her musings on
Florida, orchid poaching. Indians.
Great, sprawling New Yorker stuff. I'd
want to remain true to that, let the
movie exist rather than be artificially
plot driven.
VALERIE
Okay, great, great. I guess I'm not
exactly sure what that means.
KAUFMAN
Oh. Well... I like to let my work
evolve, so I'd want to go into it with
sort of open-ended kind of... and also
not force it into a typical movie form.
VALERIE
Oh. That sounds interesting... what
you're saying. I mean, I'm intrigued.
KAUFMAN
(blurting)
It's just, I don't want to ruin it by
making it a Hollywood product. Like, an
orchid heist movie or something.
Or changing the orchids into poppies and
turning it into a movie about drug
running. Y'know? Why can't there be a
movie simply about flowers? That's all.
VALERIE
That's what we're thinking. Definitely.
KAUFMAN
Like, I don't want to cram in sex, or car
chases, or guns. Or characters learning
profound life lessons. Or growing or
coming to like each other or overcoming
obstacles to succeed in the end. Y'know?
The book isn't like that. Life isn't
like that. It just isn't. I feel very
strongly about this.
Okay, if you have not figured out where I am going with this story here is the description for the movie Anacondas: The Hunt for the BLOOD ORCHID.
A scientific expedition is sent to the jungles of Borneo to search for a rare black orchid by a powerful pharmaceutical company that hopes the orchid can be used to unlock the secrets of youth and immortality. What they discover is that the orchid is already being used by a powerful group... a swarm of giant snakes that derive their super strength, size and vitality from the flowers, and extremely large snakes are also extremely hungry snakes...
Now I am sure Charlie Kaufman sees this and just thinks "I knew they were going to do something like that.
But I bet if his "brother" Donald was alive, he would think Anacondas was a great script.
If you have not seen Adaptation here is the scene that shows why Kaufman should be chuckling:
VALERIE
So, tell me your thoughts on this
crazy little project of ours.
In one motion, Kaufman swabs his forehead and pulls a book
entitled The Orchid Thief from his bag.
KAUFMAN
First, I think it's a great book.
VALERIE
Laroche is a fun character, isn't he?
Kaufman nods, flips through the book, stalling. A photo of
author Susan Orlean smiles from the inside back cover.
KAUFMAN
Absolutely. And Orlean makes orchids so
fascinating. Plus her musings on
Florida, orchid poaching. Indians.
Great, sprawling New Yorker stuff. I'd
want to remain true to that, let the
movie exist rather than be artificially
plot driven.
VALERIE
Okay, great, great. I guess I'm not
exactly sure what that means.
KAUFMAN
Oh. Well... I like to let my work
evolve, so I'd want to go into it with
sort of open-ended kind of... and also
not force it into a typical movie form.
VALERIE
Oh. That sounds interesting... what
you're saying. I mean, I'm intrigued.
KAUFMAN
(blurting)
It's just, I don't want to ruin it by
making it a Hollywood product. Like, an
orchid heist movie or something.
Or changing the orchids into poppies and
turning it into a movie about drug
running. Y'know? Why can't there be a
movie simply about flowers? That's all.
VALERIE
That's what we're thinking. Definitely.
KAUFMAN
Like, I don't want to cram in sex, or car
chases, or guns. Or characters learning
profound life lessons. Or growing or
coming to like each other or overcoming
obstacles to succeed in the end. Y'know?
The book isn't like that. Life isn't
like that. It just isn't. I feel very
strongly about this.
Okay, if you have not figured out where I am going with this story here is the description for the movie Anacondas: The Hunt for the BLOOD ORCHID.
A scientific expedition is sent to the jungles of Borneo to search for a rare black orchid by a powerful pharmaceutical company that hopes the orchid can be used to unlock the secrets of youth and immortality. What they discover is that the orchid is already being used by a powerful group... a swarm of giant snakes that derive their super strength, size and vitality from the flowers, and extremely large snakes are also extremely hungry snakes...
Now I am sure Charlie Kaufman sees this and just thinks "I knew they were going to do something like that.
But I bet if his "brother" Donald was alive, he would think Anacondas was a great script.
9/03/2004
Ranting and Questioning
Name one old guy who is better off than Michael Douglas.
Magic Shell ice-cream syrup is the greatest food product ever invented.
Don’t you hate those ass-holes who use the drive-up ATM to do ALL of their banking for the month as you wait for their ass?
Baseball is the only sport that is good on the radio.
HEY A.O.L….STOP SENDING ME YOUR DAMN DISC’S! YOU COULD PUT TEN ZILLION FREE HOURS ON IT…I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
Why is it when magazines review albums, they never put the song that has been released as one of the “hot tracks”? Does the reviewer think it makes him look smarter because he can name songs that aren’t on the radio?
Could Macy Gray just please go away already?
I love walking around in a new unwashed t-shirt.
Yes, I am a dork.
Magic Shell ice-cream syrup is the greatest food product ever invented.
Don’t you hate those ass-holes who use the drive-up ATM to do ALL of their banking for the month as you wait for their ass?
Baseball is the only sport that is good on the radio.
HEY A.O.L….STOP SENDING ME YOUR DAMN DISC’S! YOU COULD PUT TEN ZILLION FREE HOURS ON IT…I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
Why is it when magazines review albums, they never put the song that has been released as one of the “hot tracks”? Does the reviewer think it makes him look smarter because he can name songs that aren’t on the radio?
Could Macy Gray just please go away already?
I love walking around in a new unwashed t-shirt.
Yes, I am a dork.
9/02/2004
"THE RIGHT" IS FOOLIN YA!
All of these right wing attacks on Kerry’s Vietnam record need to stop. “The Right” have muddied up the water so bad it is making people forget the indisputable facts:
• Kerry volunteered to go to Vietnam. (Bush?)
• Kerry could have gotten out of it Nam if he really wanted to. (Bush?)
• Kerry has a clean record as a soldier. (Bush?..Soldier?)
• Kerry finished his time. (Bush?)
In the words of Stan Lee…NUFF SAID.
• Kerry volunteered to go to Vietnam. (Bush?)
• Kerry could have gotten out of it Nam if he really wanted to. (Bush?)
• Kerry has a clean record as a soldier. (Bush?..Soldier?)
• Kerry finished his time. (Bush?)
In the words of Stan Lee…NUFF SAID.
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